


To the one I love : fuck you

by reddlene



Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium), sander driesen/robbe ijzermans - Fandom
Genre: Anal Sex, Bipolar Disorder, Cheating, Claiming, Claiming Bites, Depression, Drug Use, Fluff and Angst, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Insecurity, Jealousy, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Past Drug Addiction, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Robbe IJzermans - Freeform, Sander Driesen - Freeform, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Wet Dream, sander driesen/Robbe Ijzermans - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:20:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 84,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23610712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reddlene/pseuds/reddlene
Summary: "In those moments Robbe is falling. Hard. And he's afraid, cause he fears that there won't be any Sander to catch him when he's about to land.He's scared that he'll crash. And when he will, he will crash strong. And all his pieces will explode and nobody would be able to pick them up.It would leave Robbe broken. More broken than he already is.Robbe is terrified.Since that already happened."Or the time when Robbe's insecurities gets his mind clouded and make him not see the truth.The biggest question is if his relationship with Sander will be able to handle the shift around them.Is the jealousy the worst thing that could happen to his life?
Relationships: Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans
Comments: 132
Kudos: 278





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a story written by me. The characters belong to Belgium tv series "wtfock" but the plot, some original characters and everything going on here is mine.  
> I hope you'll like it.  
> Share your thought with me.

Robbe has just realized that the thing which was hurting and killing him was breathing.  
He just realized that he couldn't breath, even if he tried to. And when he found out, he panicked and it didn't help the situation he was in.  
He needed to calm down. If he didn't, he was sure he wouldn't wake up tomorrow. Being alone right now was probably not the best thing.  
Alone, in a very cold, dark room.  
Silence and his gasping for air is all that could be heard.  
He started counting.  
Nice and slow. Exactly how his psychologist told him to do when he was having a panick attack.  
His phone was buzzing with notifications. But he couldn't see who it was from.  
Every time he opened his eyes, the world around him was blurry. He didn't know if it was because of his tears or something else. Robbe didn't even know he was crying.  
No he wasn't just crying, he was weeping.  
It wasn't that dark out but the windows in his room didn't let any light in. His bed was unmade. His clothes everywhere since this morning, when he was getting ready.  
The morning when everything was just fine. Just normal. Or as normal as it could be. It's funny how one minute can change your whole life. Or one text message, if you were in Robbe's place.  
He could breath now. In and out.  
In and out. It was fine, he told himself.  
His phone lighted up for twentieth time. Message after message. Now he could see the names or the name.

Sander.  
He had the nerve to text him again and again.  
Robbe couldn't believe his eyes.  
But he wasn't surprised. He knew Sander wouldn't stop until he answered, but the last thing Robbe wanted and needed right now, was talking to him.

Robbe knows he's not right, by acting like this.  
He knows Sander doesn't deserve it but he's just a teenager after all. He's allowed to make mistakes. At least, he will be the one suffering from it. And he's happy for that fact.  
He won't act like Sander. He won't hurt him with his actions like Sander does with Robbe. He hopes to. 

Robbe knew it was perfect. Too perfect from his liking but maybe he deserved to be happy for once in his god damn life. Maybe he would be after all. That's what he thought. That's what he wanted to believe. And it hurt. It hurts when your whole world, which you built by making yourself believe the lies, collapses in front of your face.  
The lies he made himself swallow. The lies he still believes or he wants to believe. 

Sander doesn't give up and it kills Robbe in a pitch of his heart to see his name pop up every 20 seconds as if he wasn't the only thing in Robbe's head right now. And not just now, he always was in his head. 

If Robbe was wretched before, he was boiling mad.  
He picked up his phone, from the ground beside him, where he was kneeling and smashed it right across the room, on the pitch black window that mirrored the spring darkness through it. Fortunately or unfortunately, the glass didn't break and neither did his phone, since he could clearly see it light up one more time again.  
And that was the last straw, he screamed and screamed and screamed until he couldn't feel his voice. Until his eyes saw black dots. Until his heart got exploded and he was relieved that his mom wasn't at home. And he wasn't living in a flat share anymore. If he was and someone came knocking on his door, he was hundred percent sure, he would murder the person in a cold blood. 

His phone didn't light up anymore. And he started crying.  
Again. Till he couldn't let any tears out.

You would assume that he fell asleep after he was drained of emotions. But he didn't.  
No. He got up, went to the kitchen and started making coffee.  
He hated coffee. But it seemed like a right thing to drink.  
His knees hurt from sitting on them for a very long time. His hands hurt too. And head, from pulling his hair so hard.  
He felt numb. Like a emotionless zombie, who was so tired of living, he just walked around and around. Until he couldn't anymore. And maybe that's what Robbe needed too. Not having a strength to walk, to feel his limbs, to feel his heart. Broken and shattered. 

He still things he's wrong. The part of him who lives on the castle built on the pretty lies, still tried to get to him, tries to make him see, he's wrong. Trying and failing.  
It doesn't matter how much Robbe want to agreed with that part of himself, he can't, because it's been so long with living in a dream, he thinks, if he goes in his little imaginary world one more time, he won't even come back from it, to the reality, to the dreadful life he has.  
But it's not all horrible. It was good, it was heaven on earth, while it lasted. While he made it lasted. And now he knows, all he'll ever have is the memories, dreams. That blissful dreams and scenarios.  
He's happy for that. He's happy he got it even if it wasn't true at all. At least there was a time he believed it could be something more. It could be everything he ever wanted in his life.  
But what is a life, if it's not unfair?

When he picked up his phone again, it was dead. And he was relieved that he doesn't have to look at what Sander had to say.  
His mom came back. She saw her friends and Robbe was happy that his mom started living her life again. It was helpful for his mood, seeing her so cheerful. She asked him, what was wrong, he smiled and said it was nothing, just school work.  
And he must be the great actor by now, since everyone believed every single lie he said.  
Anyone but Sander.  
He saw right through him but he sometimes lets Robbe think he fooled Sander too, until he would bang on Robbe's door, make him dress up, and take him somewhere on a date. Somewhere they were never been to. Together.  
And then he would make Robbe talk.  
It was new for the brunet. Talking about his feelings, saying what was wrong.  
And sander was listening.  
He was always listening so closely and carefully.  
He remembered every little thing Robbe has ever slipped out of his mouth. Every little detail.  
And he would use it every change he got.  
He remembered the tea flavor he loves so much and every time he came over, he would bring it. He knows that Robbe loves scarves but he rarely wears them. Sander took this this so seriously that, he bought eight pairs of scarf for Robbe on Valentine's Day.  
Sander knew Robbe couldn't sleep unless there was some kind of light in his room. He bough a little lamp for him to use every time Robbe slept at his place.  
He knew what kind of toothpaste and shampoo he used.  
Sander once saw all of Leonardo dicaprio's films, even the ones Robbe himself have never seen it, all because he knew he was Robbe's favorite actor.  
Sander noticed a lot of things too.  
The things Robbe didn't know about himself.  
Sander bought hand cream for him, when he noticed Robbe's hands were getting too dry.  
He never knew he had a little mole on his left shoulder but Sander did.  
And he knew a lot of things too. Probably more that Robbe did.

That's one of the things that scared him of first.  
He couldn't imagine someone would be that perfect, like Sander was to him.  
How someone like him would even look at Robbe. How someone like Sander could admire that skinny, damaged and broken boy. But he did. And when Robbe finally realized that Sander wasn't going anywhere, he calmed down. He fell more in love than he already was, even if he couldn't imagine how that was even possible.  
And he knew it would end sometime soon because the great things has never happened to Robbe and when it did, it usually was just to torture the boy.  
They never lasted.  
Whatever was that controlled his fate, was probably laughing at him. At how much he believed, his pain was over. At how much he trusted. 

He only hoped that he was finally getting his happy ending in the other universe.  
Probably with Sander.  
No. No.  
Definitely with Sander. Since he didn't want to get any happy ending if he wasn't in Robbe's life.  
He would be. Sander was Robbe's dream life. His dream boy. He's dream lover.

He's happy he got to have that for a little while.  
He got to feel what other Robbe was feeling in the alternative universe. He would never feel that anymore. But he could imagine.  
He could imagine that everything was okay and it would be.  
He could imagine Sander being with him right now. His soft and long fingers tangled in Robbe's hair. His warm breath on his neck. Breathing Robbe's smell, the cologne Sander himself gifted Robbe.  
And his other hand on his knee going up and down, calming his skin through his jeans and exciting it, at the same time.  
Robbe's hands would be in his while locks. Massaging his scalp, his heart about to burst out of his rib cage, even after all this time. Sander still manages to make his heart beat faster and faster and faster.  
And Robbe is falling.  
Again.  
In those moments Robbe is falling. Hard. And he's afraid, cause he fears that there won't be any Sander to catch him when he's about to land.  
He's scared that he'll crash. And when he will, he will crash strong. And all his pieces will explode and nobody would be able to pick them up.  
It would leave Robbe broken. More broken than he already is. 

Robbe is terrified.  
Since that already happened. 

There are two things he wishes right now: one is having an ability to go back in time and freeze it, and the second one is to be oblivious by the fact he's lying to his self. He wants everything to go back how it was before, when Robbe was still believing all the lies he told and all the lies Sander said. It didn't hurt that time. Robbe didn't think, that time.  
He couldn't think straight.  
All he could think about was that little game he and Sander had, what will they do in the next minute?  
They would kiss.  
They would cuddle.  
They would do some more than cuddle. They would give in their passions and needs.  
That blissful needs.  
At least he was happy back then. 

You can imagine the pain he was feeling right now.  
All those things were gone and he would never get them back.  
He knew. He knew from the start something like this would happen, sooner or later.  
But there was this moments, this one moments when Robbe thought that maybe, maybe he could have it all. That maybe he deserved to be on the cloud nine. Maybe he deserved to have someone like Sander by his side.

He didn't. 

He knew he didn't.

He realized it late.  
It was too late.  
As it always is.

There were all those signs he could have seen.  
All those late replays, all those missed calls and voice message he left, the hickeys he didn't remember leaving on Sander's body, in all those places that only Robbe should had the permission to see. Or so he thought.  
How happy he seemed.  
Robbe thought his maniac episode was coming soon and he didn't investigate all those little smiles and hidden laughs.  
Robbe felt like Britt. The thought disgusted him but it was true.  
He started imaginations things.  
His mind started going into those scenarios. The things he thought was probably the things Britt thought when Sander was with him.  
Robbe didn't know who but he know there was someone and he blamed it on a maniac episode. How could he do this? Maybe that's why Sander left.  
Maybe that's why Sander replaced him. He must have seen how many similarities Robbe and Britt shared. And he thought he would be better.  
He thought he was the right one for Sander, he knew what the blonde boy needed and he was ready to give him all, anything he had and beyond that.  
He was ready to do anything Sander asked him to do. And it terrified him.

His eyes got blurry again. He thought he had no tears left to cry but that wasn't the case. He was wrong. Like always.

There was a knocking sound on his front door and he froze.  
His legs felt like jello and he couldn't move to open it.  
The knocking didn't stop. Somebody behind the door had only one purpose, and it was getting inside the house.  
That must be Sander.  
He shivered.  
He wasn't ready to face him.  
Probably never will be.  
It felt like the beginning of their relationship again. Messy and toxic. Painful.  
But then he heard voice.  
"Damn it Robbe, open the fucking door! I know you're in there!" He sighted in relief. Ran to the door and let Jens in.  
He looks exhausted and out of breath. His hair is going in every imaginable direction.  
He looked at Robbe and sighed. Walked straight in the room which made Robbe close the door. He went in the living room and fell down on the couch. Robbe joined him in silence. He didn't want to look at his friend, he knew what he'd saw on his face: anger that Robbe ignored him, annoyance, confuse. And Robbe wasn't ready for questions, he wasn't ready for anything. 

"Well?" Robbe winced at his tone. He felt like one word and his world would come crashing down, as if it wasn't already.  
If Jens said his name,  
if he said Sander's name, Robbe knew, he wouldn't survive. He wouldn't survive if he heard that beautiful name, if he thought about what happened today, again.  
He wouldn't come out alive this time. And he was tired. He was beyond tired of hiding, feeling like shit.  
Maybe that's what he was in the end.  
Useless piece of shit everyone only used for their own benefits.  
Useless shit Sander used. Why, Robbe doesn't know. To feel better about himself? To make Robbe feel like beautiful and important for once in his pathetic life? 

"How long are you going to keep being quiet?" Jens looked worried. For a moment Robbe thought that his friend couldn't fake that emotion.  
But of course he could. Jens faked a lot of things just to make Robbe feel better.

"What do you want me to say? Don't you know what happen?" Robbe was getting angry now, he didn't want to talk about it.  
"I want to hear it from you"  
And there that words were.  
Everyone wanted to hear something from Robbe all the time.  
But Robbe didn't want three things right now. First one, we've already said: he didn't want to hear Sander's name.  
Second, he didn't want to talk about anything. And third and probably most important one, he didn't want to hear the story and explanation from anyone else. Maybe he should have let Sander speak.  
But what would he have to stay, Robbe had no idea.  
He sad everything, he heard everything too.  
Everything he needed to know about what happened. 

Yeah. Now that he thought about it more, he should have let his boyfriend speak.  
Was he still Robbe's boyfriend? Probably not.  
He hasn't been for days now.

"Nothing happened. I saw what I needed to see and I left." His voice has harsh but painful at the same time.  
Why did he open the door?

"Did he really do it?"  
And the questions came.

Yes.

"No." He wanted to say. 

But he chose the silence. He couldn't let the words out even if he tried. 

"Are you sure? I mean it's not something he'd do.  
I mean no, it is something he'd do, since he's already che -  
"Get out!"  
"W-what?"  
"I said get out."  
"But Robbe!"  
"Now!"  
He was on his feet at the very second, pushing Jens out of the room, out of the house. Out of his life until he was stable enough.  
"Robbe. Stop" Jens tried to say but he's already slammed the door under his nose. He was breathing hard when he punched his wall next to the door. 

"Robbe. Is everything okay?" He heard his mom's voice from the upstairs.  
"Y-y-yeah. Everything is f-fine. I stabbed my toe on the counter." 

When he charged his phone later that night, he finally looked at his messages. He ignored the ones from Jens and moyo. And went straight in Sander's notifications.  
He wasn't ready but he'd have to open them sooner or later. 

Sander: 

18:49  
"Robbe where are you"?  
"Why did you storm off?"

19:01  
"Robbe it wasn't what it looked like"  
"I swear"

19:08  
"Robbe just answer the damn phone"  
"Please"  
"I'm getting scared"

19:24  
"Okay. If that's what you want to do, fine"

20:16  
"Robbe please answer me"

20:21  
"Please"

21:01  
"Breathing hurts Robbe"

21:59  
"It doesn't matter what you wear  
Just as long as you are there"

23:03  
"But you're not there"

23:24  
"I don't know where I am. Please send help"

23:25  
"I'm sorry"

No.  
Sander couldn't do that.  
He couldn't just screw up and then make Robbe worry about him.  
He didn't have the right to do that to Robbe.  
Well, he didn't have the right to fuck Robbe's life too.  
But here we are.  
He hovered his finger on the calling button but then he shut his phone down and throw it behind him on the bed.  
What if Sander did something bad?  
What if Sander hurt his self?

What if?  
What if?  
He hated "what if" scenarios. They were almost never correct but they still made the person sweat from worrying. 

Sander has said "I'm sorry" before. And he was fine.  
But what would happen if Robbe was late back then? Would he done something to his self?  
Did Robbe really know what Sander was capable?

Maybe he was just saying it because he wanted Robbe to answer. 

Maybe he was with her.  
Giving absolutely zero fuck about Robbe's whereabouts.

Or he was hurt. 

No. No.  
He must have done something bad.  
He told Robbe to send help. Why would he do that if he wasn't serious? 

Robbe felt sick. And he didn't care about his dignity anymore.  
He pressed the call button. 

It went to the voicemail. 

Robbe shivered. 

He tried again.  
Again.  
And again.  
It was no use.  
Sander wasn't there to pick up.  
Sander wasn't there to answer.  
He wasn't there, exactly like when Robbe wasn't there yesterday.  
But Robbe has been fine.  
As fine as he could have been.  
He wasn't dead.  
It will be same for Sander too.  
He often ignored Robbe's messages when he wasn't feeling well.  
But he wouldn't do that when he wanted to apologize.  
No.  
Robbe was sure.  
Something happened.  
Something bad.

And Robbe ran.  
Just ran out of his house.  
Ran, like his life was depending on it.  
And it was.  
And the only thing going inside his head was hope.  
Hope that he wasn't late. 

* * *

When Robbe woke up that day, he knew something was up, even if he was feeling fine.  
The sun was shining from his window and the lights were brightening the whole room. It felt like, their light could light up his soul.  
But why was he thinking like that?  
His soul was fine. He had everything he needed.  
Right there. Only one call away. 

And maybe what they said was correct: You should be more careful, when you're starting to feel happy. 

Cause he was beyond words happy.  
But he was careful too.  
Or that's what he thought that day.

The breakfast was usual. The kiss he put on his mother's cheek before he left, was usual.  
The road he cycled was usual too. It was kind of funny.  
But the way Sander was looking at his phone when Robbe met him, was anything but usual.  
It was excitement and nervousness rush.  
When Robbe got curious about his behavior, which included constant waiting for his phone to beep, he asked.  
"It's nothing. At least it's nothing that conserves you." Robbe got too unfocused about the meaning of his words, when Sander kissed him.  
Only later when he found out the truth, he recognized the hidden meaning between them.  
But at that moment, he didn't care.  
All he felt was two cold rings sending shivers down his spine, when they slipped, oh so effortlessly behind his shirt.  
Up and down.  
His own handing tingling and pulling hard on the black and white roots.  
That little sound he knows Sander loves, and can't not whimpered out, which made the older boy pull him agains his chest more closely, as if it was even possible. 

And no matter how many times he was kissed like this, like this force of love, he still couldn't get enough of it, he was still breathless and mesmerized by the boy standing in front of him. 

How can he got so lucky to have him?  
It must have been a dream.  
It felt like it.

He dreaded the moment he would have to wake up.  
And in there, being loved by this amazing human being, by an angler, his savior angel, he felt like he had more time.  
To prepare for the horrible waking up.  
But he never knew he'd wake up with cold, freezing water getting poured on him, trying to get some sense in his head.  
Truth which just shocked him, made him forget everything that has ever existed.  
And it happened so fast.  
As it always does. 

Oh, how he wishes to go back.  
Go back to him, when everything was fine.  
When he was still there. 

Before they decided to went on their date and met his friends at the party, they went back to Sander's place because the boy had forgotten something, which he wouldn't tell Robbe, at home.  
While it was a great plan to sneak Robbe into his room, Sander would never guessed that the house would be completely empty.  
It never was on Saturdays. 

Which made Sander's whole mood ten times better.  
He locked the door and began pulling Robbe into his room, the brunet just giggled and let the boy lead him.  
He would let Sander take him anywhere he liked.  
In a heartbeat. No questions.

He was on the bed before he gain conscious.  
There were hands roaming on his chest. Pulling his jacket and t-shirt off.  
He obligated and lift his arms up before he went for the kiss. 

There wasn't a place he wanted to be but here.  
The mouth on his lips were passionate and unstoppable.  
He couldn't help but whimper when Sander stopped touching him to take his shirt off.  
Instantly River hands were going into the places.  
His nails, sliding down on his lover's back. Up and down. Harder and harder, each time. Like he wanted to put every emotion, every kind of pleasure he was feeling at that moment, into his fingers' movements.  
But it was impossible. There wasn't and will never be enough words or actions to describe the things going in his head, in his body.  
It felt like the bomb, about to explode and somehow Sander was doing everything in his power to not let Robbe burst in his hands. Yet.  
It was torture. Sweet abuse one might say.  
And when Sander's breath was on Robbe's neck, on that delicious spot just under his jawline, he shivered. The sensation went though his whole body. He felt his hair stood up from goosebumps.  
Robbe loves how much power Sander has over him. It feels nice, to trust someone so special, about everything.  
And while it was the best thing that has happened to him, later that night, he regret nothing more.  
He wished for Sander to just disappear, rip his whole heart and take it with him. He didn't need it anymore.  
He heard a soft whisper.  
"Open your eyes." He didn't.  
"Please, I want to see your eyes" Sander was begging and Robbe wanted nothing more than obeying. He looked up. He never gets tired of seeing the white headed boy like this.  
On top of him, in control and so uncontrollable at the same time.  
His eyes, - sparkling with joy.  
He rapid breath and mouth, that sweet lips, lightly parted.  
The pleasure was getting unbearable but neither of the boys stopped to calm down even for a minute.  
"Oh, the fun part is about to start!" And Robbe laughed.  
He laughed so much Sander literally stopped everything.  
He stared at Robbe, waiting for him to simmer down, but he never did.  
It wasn't even that funny, why is he laughing?  
Sander asked himself and then he started laughing too.  
They were more lucky that ever, that there wasn't anyone at the house.  
People might not come in when they hear moaning sounds, but with those hysterical howling, someone would barge in claiming that they were not normal, but crazy.  
They'd be wrong though. Only maniac is Sander in here, he continued thinking, but now he wasn't so sure about that statement.  
"What is happening?"  
"I don't know. But I love it!" Answered Robbe after a while and then he stopped.  
He breathed in so quickly that Sander got a little worried.  
The brunet got on top, with his knees on Sander's waist and he hugged him.  
He cling to his chest so hard, Sander couldn't breath.  
Maybe that feeling Robbe got right at that moment, the fear, the despair was some kind of foreshadowing of his next part of the day. But he didn't know that back there.  
Robbe crocked his head in the boy's neck and he whispered:  
"I love you. Please, don't let go."  
Yeah. Maybe he knew.  
He knew all this time, that in the end, Sander would disappear though a thin air. He was terrified of that thought.  
He was more terrified when he saw the text in the next three hours.  
But we will get to that. 

"Is something wrong?"  
"No."  
"Are you sure?"  
"No."  
"Okay."

"Fuck. Sander. Don't s-stop.  
Don't ever stop."  
"I wasn't going to."  
The window was slightly open and the yellow curtains, with the triangle ornament, was down. The light breeze was rushing in and making the boys shiver as if they weren't already on the moon from the touching.  
The sheets were on the ground, so were the pillows, and clothes. Piles of clothes. You could clearly see one of the boy's underwear on a nightstand, labeled with absolutely no information on how it got placed there in the first place.  
It wasn't important to know to be honest.

Robbe doesn't know why but he's nervous. Not the first time having sex kind of nervous, no.  
It was almost the same feeling when he stripped for Sander, while he insisted, drawing the brunet. First time Robbe found out he was Sander's imagination and muse, he was insecure and shy about it.  
Sander was an artist, he looked at things differently and he zoomed in on every part of the thing or a person he was drawing. What if he realized that Robbe wasn't as pretty as he thought? What if Sander didn't like his close up face, his skinny and boney legs, his bushy hair.  
But when Sander made sure, his boyfriend knew what art and drawing Robbe meant to him, he got used to it.  
He was okay with being drawn, he was but when Sander said things about nude modeling, he literally flipped out. He ignored Sander for four days straight.  
But in the end, even after Sander said number of times, that he didn't have to do anything, he wasn't comfortable to do, he agreed, not because he wanted it, ( he did but he didn't know that by that time ) but he knew it would make Sander happy and Robbe would do absolutely anything to make him smile.  
And that's kind of anxious he was feeling now too. With no explanation.  
Huh, confusing.  
Animals usually sense when something will go wrong in a short amount of time, Robbe was no animal, not even in bed, no, he was nervous and introverted boy, he still felt like, something terrible was going to happen.  
And he had been right, hadn't he?  
"I love the noises you make. It makes me hard."  
Robbe's head was rolled back. His eyes closed, his hair ruined and his skin red from his lover's tongue. Love bites all over his body, starting from the neck and ending with the front of his thigh. His chest was Sander's favorite place to leave marks.  
He wasn't what one might call possessive when it comes to Robbe, but he liked seeing his hickeys, it showed that this amazing and angel-like boy was his. His to love, his to admire, his to draw.  
Just his.  
They make him remember that Robbe is real too. After all this time, he still had hard time believing that someone like him could be with someone so fucked up.  
His angel wasn't going anywhere.  
He was here, with his marks.  
And Robbe loved the red spots too. He proudly wears them outside, as if showing "I'm taken and I belong to somebody so special, I sometimes cry when I think about it."  
People don't belong to people, but in his case, he wants nothing more to sigh on the document: "property of Sander Driesen." He would happily wear a dog tag too if that's what it takes to be with him forever.  
Robbe was Sander's and Sander's only.  
Both of them knew that.  
And Sander was Robbe's too.  
Or thats what he thought at that time.  
"Aren't you already ha-a-rd?"  
"Are you telling me that I can't get any harder for you?"  
Robbe giggled and let his body relax. He lets Sander do whatever he wants to do.  
He puts his head down on the bed. Sander seems to catch on pretty quickly too, a dirty smirk playing out across his lips as he crawls up to him.  
He presses his face into the crook of Robbe's neck, his large hands finding their way against the curves of the younger boy’s sides. Shifting their bodies a bit until Sander falls between his splayed-open legs with their hips aligned, they immediately rock up against each other.   
The feeling is too much to handle. They are already in their birthday suits.  
Sander's lips found their way to his chest. Working across the skin, he nipped and pinched the skin with his teeth; sucking small marks against his collarbone and abdomen until he reached the soft skin of his v-line.   
And as the fucking tease he was, he pulled back then,  
Robbe's small cry of disapproval rebounding off of the walls.  
“Shh, just a second, baby.” Sander crooned, kissing the side of his knee that was bent up so that his foot was propped up on the bed.  
“Hurry up.” The boy under him croaked, his long, dark eyelashes caressing his cheekbones as he blinked down at his boyfriend with hazy, green eyes.  
Sander rubbed the pads of his fingers up against his entrance tantalizingly slowly.  
Pushing his index finger past his entrance, he buried it to the knuckle inside of Robbe who made a muffled noise from the back of his throat. He rubbed up against his sensitive walls, crooking his fingers off to the side a couple of times, truing to help spread him out more. Robbe was making these small little noises from where his face had twisted off to the side to burrow it into the pillows.   
His face was etched into that of pleasure, his lips parted and eyebrows furrowed together.  
“Alright? Another?”   
“Yeah, yeah. Go.” Robbe muttered, biting his bottom lip. And Sander added another one.  
"F-f-fuck. It's so good. It's feels so good. Don't s-stop. More."  
When he feels the way that Robbe relaxes after a few seconds, he pushes in a bit deeper and spreads his fingers out to stretch the older boy out fully. Back arching off of the mattress, Sander hears the cries and he watches the way that his boyfriend's toes curl into the bed from the pleasurable pain.   
He continues to process; push in, spread, pull out.  
"Oh. Please. I can't take it anymore. I-I need you."  
"Don't worry baby. I'm gonna take care of you. You just need to enjoy."  
"Shit.” Robbe breathes, dropping his head back against the bundle of pillows with a small huff of air.  
Sander slides his fingers out and Robbe whimpers of the lost contact.  
"Ready?" He whispered hoarsely.  
Yes. Robbe was ready.  
He always was.  
When he’s buried in, he falls forwards to prop himself up on either side of the boy’s head with his messy, white hair falling over to curtain his green eyes. Robbe lifts his own shaking hands, pushing his hair out of his face and taking him down into a slow, languid kiss that left them both shuddering and gasping from the impact it had on them both.   
Sander pulls out halfway, snapping them forwards again almost immediately.   
The punch behind his hips is enough to make Robbe gasp out his name, his body jerking up a bit along the bed.  
And he's gone. He went into a different universe, different world.  
"I love you." He whispered, as he pressed their foreheads together and he rocks forward again against him.   
Their bodies are both covered with sweat, making the friction between their grinding bodies that much hotter.  
And when the feeling gets too much to handle, the bomb explodes.  
They come undone and Robbe realized, every little worry, every little pain he always felt, every little insecurities just melted away. Sander literally fucked them away and he was grateful for that.  
He didn't care about anything when he pulled Sander closer to him. Cling on him like he couldn't breath and couldn't move without the white headed boy.  
And he was right.  
He couldn't.  
When Sander came, oh so alluringly, to Robbe's ear.  
He asked: "Did I take your breath away?"  
Robbe didn't answer. He just hugged him tight and kissed his forehead while Sander laid on his chest, calming down by hearing his heartbeat, about to burst from his skin.  
You took everything Sander, not just my breath. He answered in his head. 

When Sander first mention Michael, they were laying on Robbe's bed. Some tv series were on and long forgotten while Sander was caressing Robbe's check, his white hair on his chest. His fingers playing with Robbe's hand.  
It was in that kind of moments when Robbe felt so peaceful, he could die and he wouldn't care.  
He has never said that out loud, he still remembers when Sander said something like that on the night he doesn't want to relive.  
He freaked out back then, but now he finally understood.  
"... So after that the model came in and she was wearing that dress we saw the other day. On Instagram remember? I mean I don't think it was the same dress but it definitely looked like it, I spent 2 hours just trying to draw that dress, it was so puffy and long and detailed, why do people even wear that kind of stuff? I mean, it was a great lesson, I'm never going to draw someone in a dress after that, but still. It's not like they were going to the Oscar ceremony. And even if they were, it would be much easier to wear something revealing and soft, and short. Don't get me wrong I loved the dress just to look at, but for drawing? Big no for me."  
Robbe zoned out when Sander started telling him about the lecture he had today. Usually he always listens so carefully and with full attention, because he knows how much this means to Sander and how insecure he is of his hobbies and likes sometimes, and Robbe not only listens just to make Sander feel good, no, he loves Sander's stories almost as much as he loves Sander. But today he was too distracted. Robbe always was like that when he's with Sander.  
"... And Mickey was like: Don't touch my wallet." Sander started laughing and even if Robbe had no idea what he was saying, he laughed with him.  
But then he stopped.  
"Wait who is Mick? Or Mickey?"  
"Michael."  
"Yeah?"  
"Haven't I told you about him?"  
Sander looked up to him from his chest.  
"No."  
"Oh."  
Robbe didn't liked that "oh."  
If he could, he would be mad at that "oh."  
He wanted to kill that "oh."  
"I met him at university. He's super fun."  
"Huh." Robbe's Adam's apple was clearly more visible that ever. He try to swallow his confusion and jealousy. But of course his eyes could tell them anyway.  
"When did you meet him?"  
Sander took too long to answer from Robbe's liking.  
"Just a while ago."  
"Okay? But when. Two weeks ago? Three weeks ago?"  
Sander tried sitting up but Robbe didn't let him. He looked into his green eyes and demand an answer. He felt bad for being so jealous. Sander was more than allowed to have friends and fun. But who was this guy that he haven't heard anything about?  
His heart started beating faster and faster every second Sander stayed silent. His palms got sweaty. Only time Sander acted like this is when he's having a depression episode but it's not the case.  
He acted like that when he was still leading Robbe on, and being with Britt at the same time. 

No. Robbe needs to calm down.  
He can't get that insecure to doubt his whole relationship. Sander isn't like that.

But he did cheat on Britt to be with him, didn't he? 

"A couple of months."

Robbe's breath started shaking.  
Why haven't he said anything about that Michael guy before?  
"Oh."  
He hates saying "oh" almost as much as he hates hearing it.

He slipped his hands in Sander's head again. The older boy put his head on his chest again, while Robbe tried to be as positive about this topic as possible. While Robbe tried to push back every negative and horrible thoughts he always has that keeps him awake at night sometimes.  
"How come I've never meet him or heard about him before? I want to meet your friends too Sander."  
"I wanted to introduce you two but he's a little bit, umm, how should I say this, homophobic?"  
Homophobic, non-heard friend.  
For months.  
Interesting.  
"Okay. Does he know you're - ?"  
"No. I don't think so?"

Are you ashamed of that Sander?  
Are you ashamed of your sexuality?  
Are you ashamed of being with  
me?

He wanted to ask.  
"How do you know he's homophobic? Has he said something?"  
"Not specifically. But he has mentioned something."  
Robbe was too quiet.  
Sander hated when Robbe was too quiet.  
"He's super fun to be around though."  
"I'm glad."

Robbe wasn't glad at all.  
The though of Sander hanging out with a guy who can so easily hurt his feelings, give him doubts about himself, was killing him.  
What if he found out that Sander was dating a guy and hurt him?  
Or tried to get some sense in his head that would end his and Robbe's relationship.  
Sander was in love with a girl too in the past, wasn't he?  
He could do it again.

"Don't worry too much about it, okay?"  
"Whatever you say."

Robbe worried. And he worried a lot.

The second time Sander mentioned Michael, was when they were eating dinner a few days later.  
Robbe ordered pizza and made some tea for them.  
Sander was telling him about his day when he slipped Michael's name into the conversation.  
"Oh yeah. How's Michael?" Robbe asked.  
He didn't want to know.  
"Mickey's fine. He has some problems at home. His sister just came to town and is being a bitch to him and now he hates going back home. He came to my home the other day, soaking wet with rain. My mom insisted that he'd stay the night and she wouldn't let him go back to that house.  
His parents are getting divorced. And did I mentioned that his sister is his half sister? So she's blaming everything on Mickey and he's so depressed and hurt. He has nobody to talk to.  
So mom literally talked me about adopting him."  
Sander giggled about the last part but Robbe couldn't hear anything he said after "stayed for the night" part. 

His head started spinning.  
The other day Sander said no, when Robbe asked if he could come over. He though that Sander wasn't feeling well and didn't think much about it but now he found out the truth. He was spending night with Michael. 

He hated how jealous he got without the reason.  
Jens have stayed at his home almost everyday at one point when it got too much. And it's normal for friend to sleepover especially after having a hard time at home.  
Robbe could understand that. He related to that.

Why did he feel this way still?

"My mom liked him so much. She rarely meets my friends since I don't have that many and she was so happy."

Robbe wanted to be happy for Sander too.  
But he felt like that boy was slowly replacing him.  
Michael was funny.  
So what? Robbe was funny too, at least that what he thought.  
Sander's mom liked Michael.  
Sander's mom loved Robbe.  
Michael spent the night.  
Robbe has spent the night too.

Since when was he comparing his self to Michael?  
And since when they were both standing at the same place? 

But it felt like Michael was winning. 

He kissed sander. Deeply.  
He tried to put everything in the kiss and Sander felt it too.  
"What has gotten into you?" He asked when Robbe pulled away.  
"Just happy that you're happy."  
"I'm really happy." He pulled Robbe closer. 

He could live with that.  
Sander was happy. That's all that mattered. Back then.  
And he was happy because of Robbe. 

Michael : 0.  
Robbe : 1.

Michael:

13:05  
"Did you see her face? She was MAD."

Sander:  
13:05  
"yeah I did. It was because of you."

Michael:  
13:06  
"She was frustrated."

Sander:  
13:06  
"Yeah. Sexually."  
"You need to ask her out."  
"She definitely has something going on with you."

Michael:  
13:06  
"I'll."  
"But I don't know how."

Sander:  
13:06  
"It's not that hard. I'll help you if you want. Just text her to hang out."

Michael:  
13:09  
"What if she says no?"

Sander:  
13:11  
"Then you'll know it's not worth it.

Michael:  
13:11  
"She always hangs out with that fag. If he wasn't putting his tongue down some other guy's throat, I'd think they were together."  
"Disgusting."

Sander:  
13:12  
"Yeah. They look like a couple. But it's a good thing they aren't, isn't?"

"Robbe? Where are you?"

Robbe almost dropped Sander's phone on the floor but he managed to caught it before it broke.

"I-In h-h-here."

He put the phone in Sander's trouser's pocket and laid down on the bed, opened his laptop and started going into sites as if, he wasn't doing anything other than that. 

He felt bad as soon as Sander peaked his head through the door.  
He trusted him but somehow his fingers started opening his phone, until he realized what he was doing and when he saw that boy's name, he couldn't stop. 

He was curious, yes.  
Did that give him right to sneak in Sander's phone and privacy? No.  
He hated his self right now. 

"Look what I bought. Your favorite."  
Robbe didn't even see what Sander was holding in his hands, he got up, crashed into him and toss him on the bed.  
"Someone's thirty today."  
"Shut up."  
"Shut me up then."  
Robbe did just that. 

Robbe wasn't that jealous before.  
He had no idea how Michael looked. He only got to know his personal side and just that part was perfect.  
He was actually hoping that Michael wouldn't be attractive, that the only desirable thing about him was his personality.  
He was wrong.  
If he could use only one word to describe Michael, it would be : angel. 

Long blonde dirty hair.  
Hazel green eyes.  
White skin.  
Freckles.  
Sharp jawline and flawless cheekbones.  
Tall.  
Cigarette roll tucked on his ear.  
He had an implacable taste too.  
Freddie Mercury t-shirt.  
Black leather jacket.  
Dark grey trousers.  
White and blue Nike trainers.  
Is wasn't a mystery why Sander liked hanging out with him.

He has double dimples on his cheeks when he smiles. 

And Robbe hasn't been more insecure then, at the moment he saw Michael. 

He was supposed to pick Sander up from university. He was ten minutes late. Milan wouldn't shut up about that new guy he started dating and Robbe lost a track of a time and before he realized it, Sander texted him: "Weren't you going to be here by five?"

Robbe ran.

When he got there, Sander was nowhere to be seen.  
Robbe knew, he wouldn't left and if he did, he'd tell it to Robbe. So he looked around. And he found him, or found them.  
Sander and some boy his age, were sitting on the ground with their bags next to their feet and their knees up to their chest. He figured out that he must be Michael, since Sander has said to him, that they sometimes stayed there after lessons. 

Michael was beyond words pretty.  
Robbe just wanted to disappear. Wanted ground to open and take him down with it. 

Maybe he could make a run for it.  
He'd text Sander that he couldn't come. His boyfriend would understand and he'd hang out with that angel faced boy instead.  
That thought wasn't as much terrifying as Robbe meeting Michael right now was.  
But of course there wouldn't go even one thing right in his life. 

He was about to turn around and leave when:  
"Robbe!"

Fuck. 

Robbe put a fake smile on and walked very slowly to them.  
Both boys got up and Sander went to give Robbe, what others call a "bro hug."  
The gesture cut deep into his heart.  
"Robbe this is Mickey.  
And Mickey meet Robbe. My umm-" Sander looked at Robbe carefully behind his eyelashes.  
"My friend." He finished.  
Robbe felt his stomach drop.  
"B-best friend." He corrected Sander. If the older boy wanted to play this game, Robbe wouldn't disappoint. And they really were best friends. It wasn't a lie. But not the whole truth.  
He looked at Michael right in the eyes as if to say "I'm the person he thinks about before he falls asleep and right after he wakes up. What about it? It's me and not you. And you can't change that fact, no matter what you do." Robbe's never looked that determined to put his whole emotions and thoughts into his look before.  
And he did a great job.  
Michael put his hand up and Robbe shook it.  
He tried to slow down his breathing.  
"It's Michael." The boy glared at Sander and the white headed one put his head down, smiling.

"It's nice to meet you. I've heard the great things about you."  
Robbe managed to say.  
"Oh really?" Michael looked at Sander and winked at him right in from of Robbe as if he wasn't his boyfriend.

Okay. It was a friendly gesture Robbe, calm down.

"It's weird since I've never heard anything about you. But it's great to meet you."  
As soon as he finished talking, his phone rang and Robbe was glad. He couldn't get his mind stop thinking about the said words. 

Michael had no idea who Robbe was, while all Robbe was hearing from Sander, was "Mickey this" and "Mickey that."

"I'm sorry, I have to go. Klara is giving me shit." He said to Sander, not even acknowledging that Robbe was there.  
"Same time tomorrow?"  
"Of course Mick."  
He walked away.  
Even his steps were pretty.

After he was out of a sight, sander put his hand around his shoulder and kissed his temple.  
He started walking and tagged Robbe along with him. If Sander wasn't holding him, Robbe would fall down to the ground, he was sure of it.  
Sander was catching him, and preventing him from falling.  
As he always did. 

"He's great, isn't he?" Sander asked. 

Michael was great, indeed.  
He was more than great.  
He was everything Robbe wanted to be. 

Michael won today.  
He fucking won.

Michael : 1.  
Robbe: 1.


	2. Chapter 2

Robbe moaned piercingly. His world was spinning. His eyes were rolled back.  
Back.  
Robbe was sure, he was seeing back of his brain. The pleasure was unbearable as it always was when Sander was touching him.  
Robbe thinks he maybe loses track of time, cause he’s not sure of how long Sander almost lazily sucks at his dick, minutes, maybe hours, switching pressure of how hard he sucks until Robbe just shatters under his tongue. He shudders under it, letting out some, oh so sweet sound as Sander keeps sucking until the brunet feels his body clench hard, hips bucking forward and has to push him away.   
  
“Was it good?” Sander asks, cutting through the sounds of mutual panting. He puts his elbows on the other side of his chest while Robbe tried to catch his breathing.  
"You damn well know, you were more than just good."  
Sander smirked.  
"I just want to hear it from your mouth. Is it too much to ask?"  
"You're so full of yourself."  
"By the sounds you were making I think I have every right to be cocky."  
Robbe tried to hide his face with his hands but Sander wouldn't let him.  
After a while both of them were quiet, looking at each other's eyes.  
And then Robbe realized why Sander was so silent. He was waiting.  
That sweet, arrogant bastard.  
"Okay. Okay. What do you want me to say?"  
Sander lifted one of his eyebrow.  
"You're a sex god. Happy?"  
"Very."  
He captured his lips.  
Robbe hasn't felt this free for weeks now.  
Sander finally had time for him. He was too busy to meet up whole week. Or that's what he said. But that didn't matter.  
He was here now and he was making up for the loss time.  
"I had a dream about you last night." Robbe blurted out before he stopped his tongue.  
Sander stopped kissing his neck and looked at his face.  
"Well how highly inappropriate.  
What did you see?"  
Robbe felt his blush creeping up to his cheeks. He wanted to disappear. Why did he say that?  
"It's stupid. I'm sorry."  
Sander kept quiet.  
"It's nothing. Please, do continue. I was having a great time." Robbe said fast and tried to put Sander's head back on his neck.  
"Don't tell me it's nothing. Just say it. Please. I want to hear it."  
Sander, unlike Robbe, almost never begged.  
And that's why Robbe knew he was dead serious.  
"Just start talking, baby.  
Whatever you dreamt about, obviously got you all hot and worked up already. What was happening in our dream?"  
"O-okay. U-um." Robbe shivers, still acutely aware of the erection he is sporting and the slick between his thighs.  
A curious finger grazes the soft inside of Robbe's thigh, drawing a line through the wetness, and Robbe shudders, clutching Sander's shirt as the finger goes higher and higher into a more sensitive place. Robbe's still sensitive but frustrated.  
"Baby,” Sander murmurs, his voice containing the faintest hint of a growl.  
"You came after dreaming about me? Tell me, what did I do to you in the dream?”  
“You were—” Robbe shudders, letting out a soundless open-mouthed whine as Sander presses the heel of his palm against his erect cock, his fingers caressing his shaft. Robbe looks entranced, his eyes bright and something about the raw arousal in his face and in the air around him drags him back into that dream when Sander had been fucking him into the mattress and Robbe had liked it. In his defense, one week of not seeing Sander meant having those kind of dreams every night, sometimes two times in a row.  
Robbe's hole twitches and he bite his lip at how needy he feels. All he wants is for Sander to touch him there, to push his fingers in and stretch him out around them.  
He never gets enough.  
He wants cock in him, filling him up to the brim, and the strength of that desire scares him because he doesn’t remember ever wanting something like that so badly. He inhales deeply, trying to remember how to breathe. Sander is still watching him, waiting for his answer, and he looks as dazed as the boy under him.  
“You were...” Robbe swallows hard as he feels fingers nudge against his hole. Only the way that the boy is looking at him, equal parts startled and hungry, his mouth soft and parted in a way that tells Robbe that Sander is drinking in the sight of his arousal, keeps Robbe going.  
“You had your cock in me. In here.”  
“Oh.” Sander's voice cracks and he clears his throat self consciously. Sander knows Robbe said more than he was comfortable enough and even if he wanted more details, it was more than enough. For now.  
“Is that what you want?”  
Robbe hesitates, his cheeks heating up, and he nods, his face is burning red.  
Sander moves, carefully, shyly, dipping his head down to kiss Robbe on the forehead. Following his cue, Robbe presses his face to Sander's chest, lining up his body with his and soaking in the comfort of his warmth.  
"I must have been really good to you in that dream." He murmurs as he presses their foreheads together again, his hazel eyes gleaming as he holds Robbe's gaze.  
"You’re so soft,” he whispers, his fingers a feather-light touch against his skin, leaving sparks of fire in their wake.  
It can’t be humanly possible to feel this much, can it?  
They’re just hands. How the hell is he feeling this way?  
They're magic hands.  
“May I taste your skin, baby? Again?”  
His voice is practically a purr. Robbe nods, frantic to receive whatever he has to give.  
He doesn’t think it can get any better but then fuck, he feels something warm and wet close around his nipple and his legs snap open by their own accord.  
His mouth is doing wicked things now, nipping and sucking and then gently biting at his nipple. It’s mind numbing. First time Robbe has licked Sander's nipple, Sander couldn't stop talking about it and he understood it now.

And then… it stops.

It takes a second for Robbe to realize when it does. Whatever spell he was under, chasing some unexciting orgasm subconsciously, is broken.  
“Satisfied ?” Sander asks, amusement in his voice.  
“You know I’m not.” younger one mumbled. His mind is still fogged with lust and he really wants him to do something about the arousal that’s beginning to wind him up tighter.  
“Of course I do.  
That was a lovely performance, by the way.”  
Oh, how much that boy love to tease.  
Who did he thought he was?  
"So eager. So… receptive.  
I can imagine you’ve got quite the imagination.  
Tell me, exactly what image were you conjuring up in that pretty head of yours?”  
He was really going to make him say it, wasn't him?  
“I…” Robbe's throat closes up before he can stop it, sheer embarrassment blocking him from voicing the delicious fantasy in his mind.  
“Go on, sweet. It’s just me.  
No reason to be shy.” His voice draws closer, right by his ear, low and husky.  
“You’re supposed to tell me what you see. Every deliciously filthy little detail. Come now, honey, use your words.”  
Sander's sensual encouragement sends a wave of arousal to ride over him and Robbe tells him.  
Softly, at first, and a little shy. Robbe tell Sander how he see him pounding into him.  
He pries for more details, and little by little Robbe cracks, his breathing more shallow as he shares his dream.  
He tells him how he takes him and where his hands go and when he does things that Robbe wants him to do again and again.  
Words start to flow nonstop once he starts, a stream of strangled wishes, and Sander's only urges him to continue with patient phrases like:  
“Yes, sweet, go on,” and  
“Yes, and?”  
“My, my,” he says when Robbe finishes sharing with a quiet whimper of arousal. The grin is evident in his tone. “What a delight this is, baby.  
Do you see how powerful sound alone can be? To have you this ready, it’s… oh, sweet, it’s glorious.”  
Sander rakes a hand through his brown hair.  
“I want to kiss you,” he whispers. Robbe doesn't let Sander move as he pushed his mouth to his.  
They kiss softly, tenderly, their hands burying themselves in each other's hair.  
An innocent kiss.  
"You're making me wait. How is this making up for the loss time?"  
"The waiting will be worth it, Robbe. I'll make sure of it."

Definitely worth it.

Robbe woke up tangled in Sander's arms and legs.  
He smiled when he saw how peaceful his boyfriend looked in his sleep.  
Sometimes he still thought he was dreaming. He was stuck in a dream, where this precious boy was his and his only.  
Robbe couldn't believe it was true.  
He got up carefully, trying not to wake him up and went to the bathroom.  
On his way back, when he picked the blanket to slip into the bed, Sander's phone lit up.  
He didn't mean to read it. But because of the darkness in the room, his eye automatically went to the only source of light.  
It was a text message.  
The text message that made Robbe's heart stop.

Michael:  
03:29  
"I can't stop thinking about the other night. Wish you were here to help me."

* * *

Sander was on his phone whole day. His fingers were working nonstop on the screen and Robbe couldn't help but feel left out. Sander hasn't said more than six words to him since the morning. Actually since he looked at his phone. 

Robbe couldn't fall asleep after he read that messages.  
What did Michael mean by that?  
What happened the other night?

There were too many questions going inside his head.  
And no answers.

He tried to ask Sander what was going on but he said it was nothing: "Mickey just had a little problem last night."  
What the fuck does a little problem mean?  
Robbe was going insane.  
He tried asking more but Sander just struggle him away, saying that it wasn't his story to tell.  
As if Robbe could ask Michael about it.  
He was clearly upset and it was the first time in their relationship that Sander was doing nothing to make him feel better.  
It's scared him.  
What was Michael telling him that was so important he couldn't even give Robbe attention for a minute? 

So Robbe tried the old way.  
He slowly walked up to Sander and put his legs around his thighs while he was sitting on the edge of a bed.  
Sander finally looked up when Robbe put his arms around his shoulders. Robbe was about to kiss him when Sander pushed him away.  
"Robbe, now it's not really a great time."

Robbe froze.  
"I think it's better for me to go actually."  
Sander somehow managed getting up and put Robbe on the bed. He took his jacket off from the chair and kissed Robbe's forehead.  
"I don't feel really good, baby.  
Don't feel bad, please. I forgot my medicine at home and I'm gonna go and take it. I'll text you as soon as I'm feeling better, okay?"  
Robbe could only nod. Frown and sadness was clearly sitting on his face and Sander didn't see it or he ignored them.  
That has never happened before. 

Sander left.

Robbe felt horrible about his feelings. He was crushing Sander. He was acting so insecure and scared that he was only caring about his self.  
He don't notice that Sander wasn't feeling well.  
He didn't notice that he hasn't taken his meds.  
No.  
Robbe only cared about Michael and that "other night."

He was overthinking so much, he was getting paranoid. 

And all he could think about still, was that he was loosing. 

Michael : 2.  
Robbe : 1.

Fuck you Sander.

He wanted to scream until his voice got silent. 

But he didn't. Instead he worked his fingers over the screen and started texting.

"It's okay. I understand."

No. 

"What came up?"

No. No. That was too direct. 

"Is everything okay?"

Shit. No. 

What should he say?

"I hope you're not fucking your Mickey right now."

He breathed out shakily. Fell down on the bed.  
Water started pooling in his eyes and he hated the feeling.  
Hated the insecurity.  
Hated not knowing what Sander was doing.  
Why he was ditching him for the forth time in a row this week?  
He never answered his calls. He only texts him hours later, saying that he was so sorry and he'd make it up to him the next day.  
Guess what?  
Next day never came.

Maybe he should just say "fuck you."  
That's what he felt like, at least he wasn't the one lying.  
He felt the tear roll down his cheek while he typed.

Robbe:  
17:29  
"Take care! It's alright." 

Of course, it was left unanswered.

"Where is your lover boy?" Moyo asked him as soon as he walked in the room.  
They haven't seen him for so long. The boys've almost never seen him without sander tailing by his side like a puppy, after they officially started dating. 

My lover boy. 

Sander wasn't even his to begin with. And especially not a lover anymore. 

He was hundred percent sure of it.  
Their relationship was boomed to end any second now and Robbe was already trying to get use to that fact.  
What the hell was he thinking? Person like Sander could never truly love fucked up, broken and shattered boy like Robbe.  
It was impossible.

Robbe hoped and hoped. 

He realized it too late.

"I don't know where he is." The tone got all of his friends to look at him surprised.  
"What do you mean you don't know? Aren't you two inseparable?" Moyo furrowed his eyebrows confusedly.  
Robbe wanted nothing more to crawl up in one dark corner and never get out.  
"Can we talk about something else?"  
The boys looked at him weirdly but continued their previous conversation.  
"Are you okay?" Jens asked him quietly.  
"Yeah."  
He wasn't.  
Jens knew. 

Robbe didn't realize when he fell asleep. It wasn't past noon but because of his the sleepless nights, he knew someday it would happen.

What woke him up was his phone calling.  
He groaned. It was probably Jens. He has been trying to get Robbe to tell him what was wrong for all day long.  
But the name he saw made his heart stop.  
He felt like the first time Sander was calling him.  
Anxious.  
Nervous.  
Imperfect.  
He waited for it to ring for a little bit and then answered with a shaky hand.  
"H-h-hi." He hated feeling this way. 

Fuck. Very smooth, Robbe.

"Hey cutie. I miss you. Are you at home?"  
No. You're my home and I've been homeless since the day I last saw you.  
"Yeah. Umm. I am. At home I mean."  
"Okay. Great. I'm standing outside your door. Will you let me in?"  
Panic.  
Panic.  
Panic.

He got up so fast, his vision got black. He stabbed his leg on the door and yelled out.

This was already going great.

He finally got to the door. And when he opened it all his determination for informations just went thrown out of the window. He breathed in shakily and looked at the boy he was still madly in love with.  
The sight in front of him was the reason he couldn't think straight and he knew even if he tried to get some words out of his mouth, he wouldn't bring himself to fight with him right now, to be upset at him for ignoring Robbe, to scream and yell at him.  
No he couldn't.  
All he could do was throwing his hands around him and clinging to him like a lost koala.  
Hugging him.  
Breathing his scent.  
Touching his back.  
He felt Sander pushing them in the room so they weren't standing at the hall, but he didn't care. He didn't care about anyone who might see him right now, anyone who knew how depended Robbe was on Sander. How he couldn't breath without him at his side, how he losses his mind every time he's away from him.  
And it hurts.  
Being away and being with him, both hurts.  
"Somebody missed me too much." He heard Sander mumble in his hair.  
Robbe didn't answer anything, he couldn't even if he wanted to.  
No words were necessary. 

They somehow got back in Robbe's room and just crashed down on the bed, still wrapped in each other's arms.

Robbe kissed his head gently, resting his chin on it afterwards. It seemed unreal to have him back into his arms, not as a hallucination like he had had so many times in his dreams at night. Being away from Sander had been the true hell.  
All those memories, thoughts illusions that kept him awake for whole night.  
"I couldn't sleep without my boyfriend by my side last few days."  
Robbe’s eyes lit up when he said ‘my boyfriend’ and he smiled for a moment. He didn't know he'd ever hear those words again.  
"I must have made you worried, I'm so sorry." Sander continued whispering. Robbe looked into his eyes, seeing the pain that reflected in them. Now that he saw him up close, there were dark circles under his eyes, his skin was grayish. Robbe ran her fingers through his hair, watching him close his eyes for a moment enjoying his touch. His hand resting on his cheek , Sander's hand reaching for it to hold it.  
"I'm so sorry. I know I always do that. I'll always make you worry and that thought alone is giving me so much pain, I can't protect you from myself and I - "  
Robbe shut him up with a kiss, wrapping his hands around his neck, running his fingers through his hair tugging on it, pulling him closer.  
Sander looked surprised for a second and then pulled him closer to him too, his lips hungrily wanting more.  
In that moment all the pain from the past weeks disappeared as if it had never happened.  
It felt like two pieces of the same heart had finally connected and everything in the world seemed right again. Their lips perfect match for each other, their bodies perfectly fitting together.

“Please , listen to me. I am so sor-” Sander tried again. He wouldn't stop until he properly apologized and Robbe knew that.  
The time for apologizing would come too.  
Later.  
“Shut up and kiss me, you idiot.” Robbe smiled at him. It felt like a forever since he last smiled.  
Sander stared at him for a moment. He suddenly got so serious, Robbe felt there was more things coming.  
More serious things.

Would Sander break up with him, right here, right now?  
No.  
He wasn't that cruel, was he?  
No.  
If he wanted to break up he wouldn't be in Robbe's arms at the moment.  
Is just didn't make sense.

“Did you just call me idiot ?” Sander teased and Robbe sighed from the relief.  
“Just kiss me.” he whispered, snaking his hands around around his neck brushing his palms slightly on his cheek before his fingers tangled in his hair pulling his face closer.  
For a moment they gazed into each other’s eyes and then their lips touched.  
Again.  
It was like a switch went off somewhere, starting a wild fire igniting every fiber in Robbe's body. Sander's hands pulled Robbe towards him, his body pressing against his as he tried to pull him even closer.  
And closer.  
Until there wasn't any space left between them.  
“I missed you so much.” Sander said breaking the kiss for a second before his lips smashed against his again. It felt as if it was their first kiss all over again. Sander pulled away resting his forehead on Robbe's forehead.  
"Will you make me talk?"  
"Not now. I just want to hold you for a while."  
"Just for a while?" Sander's eyes were shining.  
"No. Forever."  
They did just that. 

"And then it felt like the world was crashing on me and I couldn't breath. It doesn't matter how many time I've experienced the pain, it's still so terrifying. And I-I didn't know what to do. And the room was getting smaller and smaller and umm. I - "  
Robbe tighten his grip on Sander's body, feeling the dark and negative aura but he didn't dare interrupting him. Robbe knew how hard it was for him to actually talk about his depression episode. It felt amazing that Sander was comfortable enough to share it with him.  
Robbe nodded and encourage him to continue.  
"It wasn't as bad as it is usually. There was this one time when this episode knocked me off my feet completely. I remember dark times of feeling completely alone, like a person on a cliff edge with the rocks crumbling around me into a stormy sea. I was drowning in despair and saw no light at the end of the tunnel for those darkest of weeks. Outside was noisy and scary and my appetite had vanished too. I lost half a stone in weight and thoughts of wanting to die went round and round my head. I told people this, but I don’t think anyone believed me. I-I-I eventually left one day, not knowing where I was going, I just left.  
Then I got scared in my floods of tears, and although I didn’t want to feel like this anymore,  
I didn't want to die either, so I called an ambulance.   
That was the first time I took my depression and mood swings seriously and seek professional help.  
Apparently, I had bipolar.  
Not just a normal depression.  
I'm not gonna lie, the mania part is awesome though. I have tons of energy and don’t want to stop.  
The best part of mania is that I’m so optimistic about absolutely everything.  
You would punch me in the face and I would say "Wow, what a great color combinations" on my blue and yellow bruises.  
I’m my most creative during this process, so I’m doing as much as possible to use it.  
Artistic or constructive, I’m up for anything.  
Every morning I wake up ready to go, even if I didn’t get much sleep the night before. I don’t really need that much sleep, so I just go and go and do as much stuff as I can and have a blast, get everything done on my to-do list, and more.  
And when I'm talking, I’m all over the place, dominating every conversation. Sometimes I can’t keep up with myself and my thoughts. And I crave a lot more sex during this period, just for you to know." Sander shot him a dirty smirk. Robbe giggled at the last part.  
"I don't think I'll be ever bothered by that fact."  
"I'm glad, because I ca - "  
"Save that dirty talk for later, I want you to get everything out of your chest right now."  
That made Sander surprised, since everyone he'd ever talked to, wished nothing more for him to stop talking about his illness, because talking about that kind of stuff made a lot of people feel awkward and uncomfortable.  
"Are you sure? I said too much already."  
"Would I ask you if I didn't want to hear it?"  
"O-okay. So, umm." Robbe went back to massaging Sander's scalp on his lap.  
"During my mania, I feel like I can do anything, so my self confidence increases rapidly.  
I can’t quite explain it, but when the mania burns out I’ve got nothing left. Without the highs of mania, I wouldn’t be able to tolerate the lows of depression.  
When I’m depressed, I just want to be left alone. It’s not that I want to be by myself. I want everyone else to disappear. I don’t want to go anywhere, see anyone, or do anything. I just want to crawl up in bed and never come out from under the covers ever again. It’s like no matter what I do, people are telling me I’m doing something wrong. So, the easiest way to feel better is to hide.  
Seeing everyone carrying on, living their happy little lives is an annoying reminder of my bipolar disorder and how I’ll never have that kind of stability in my life.  
But the more I understand the problem, the more I know that the depression is temporary and I don’t always think clearly during it.  
I try not taking some decisions when I'm in the phase because I know I can't think straight and I don't trust myself when I'm depressed. That self reminder helps me from doing anything stupid. But sometimes I can't even control that."  
Sander pauses for a second and then continued with such a force Robbe was worried that he would choke on his fast breathing.  
"When I think about the future, I don’t like what I see. I can only imagine more troubles, endless work, and an endless string of letdowns. I can only see myself letting the people I love down and it kills me because I know it'll happen eventually and I can't do anything to change it."  
"It's why you tried pushing me away the first time, isn't it?" Robbe whispered.  
"Y-yeah. But I think I have started to accept this as a disability that will bite me at times in my life if I do not take really good care of myself. And that I will need help at times to get through it. But I hope I don’t lose more people I love because of it, and that it doesn’t take away my dreams for the future or job aspirations.  
I hope I don't lose you because of that."  
"You won't. That the last thing you need to worry about. I'm not going anywhere until you don't tell me to. Until you don't want me anymore."  
"I guess you're stuck with me for eternity. Because there is absolutely no way in hell, that I'm ever letting go of you."

Robbe liked the sound of "eternity." 

“I love you even more now.” he whispered, knowing that deep down Sander was still terrified that he said all those things out loud. He was scared that Robbe would go away after he told him about his emotions. And Robbe wanted nothing more than scatter those dark thoughts away from his mind.  
Robbe's lips collied with his again in a deep passionate kiss. Sander's fingers dug into his hair while Robbe kissed his jaw line, leaving wet kisses on his neck and collarbone. Robbe couldn’t get enough of him - his lips, his touch , everything.  
“I love you so much Robbe, I'm sure it's unhealthy at this point."  
“I love you too.” he answered. 

Just as Sander was about to put his head down a little lower and touch Robbe's belt with his hand, he noticed something hanging around his neck. It must have been the angel necklace he always wore, which Sander loves to play with it when they're sweaty, tired of the emotions, when they're laying in bed at night. But it's not only Robbe's necklace but something round around it.  
“Is – Is that one of my rings ?” he wondered.  
Robbe blushed.  
"I didn't remember I left it here."  
"Y-y-yeah it i-is. I didn't want it to get lost so I-I-"  
"You saved it over your heart." He kissed Robbe's chest down, touching the necklace with his lips and tugged, which made Robbe slip moan out of his mouth.  
Sander grinned and leaned in to kiss him. It was sweet and innocent. Robbe pulled him closer and placed one hand firmly behind his neck, locking some of his fingers into his hair.  
He felt Sander's tongue slid lightly across his closed lips and parted them to give him the access he was looking for. He had no problem letting Sander explore for a while, the boy was eager and Robbe enjoyed the feeling of being wanted to this degree by someone.  
He was so lost in their kisses, that he was a little startled when he felt cold fingers on his, very naked stomach. The kiss broke and he looked the green eyes, pupils dilated and hungry for more. As good as Sander looked in his button shirt, which Robbe hasn't seen it on his boyfriend before and didn't even know Sander possessed this kind of shirts, he wished the boy would just wear a loose hanging shirt right now as he does all the time, since those are way easier to pull off. He started with the upper buttons and slowly made his way down, very aware of Sander's hands running over his chest. They had all the time in the world, there was no need to rip it off and watch buttons fly across the room. 

It would have been fun to watch though.  
He needs to do that next time Sander decided to wear this shirt.  
He watched as the shirt slid over Sander's shoulders onto the ground. Robbe took one of his hands and kiss the palm lightly, before using it to close the space between them and kissed him passionately. He pushed Sander carefully onto his bed and moved himself on top of him.  
“Watching you drives me crazy,” Robbe says, hands reaching to undo Sander's belt buckle. “Maybe I don’t have the same affect on you-”  
“No, no uh, you do affect me, you affect me very much.” Sander mumbles quietly, and Robbe can’t help but eye the growing the bulge in his jeans.  
One slow, deep kiss to get Sander properly worked up. Their tongues sliding over each other. Robbe cups the sides of Sander's face, fingers twisting into his hair slightly, a show of affection that both of them desperately want. Robbe runs his tongue over Sander's lips before he gets swallowed up in another kiss. He pulls back just a little bit, but enough to grind his cock against his lap. 

“Aren’t you gonna touch me?” Robbe challenges, his eyes narrowed at the man beneath him.  
Sander raises his hands and runs them up and down Robbe's sides. He smirks and leans in for another kiss, moaning when those long callused hands explore his stomach. Robbe pulls his mouth away so that he can lick the side of Sander's neck he hasn’t touched yet, and those big hands move around his back to dip into the curve there.  
“Robin.... ” Sander gasps, shifting his hips slightly.  
Robbe isn’t doing anything particularly wonderful, just trailing his tongue over his lover's neck.  
His lover. It felt right to say it again.  
He sucks there briefly before shifting lower, nibbling on a collar bone. The hands on his back shift higher as he shifts lower, those hands switching between scratching blunt nails and digging fingertips in.  
Robbe will go a little lower, kissing and licking Sander's stomach while Sander's hands squeeze his shoulders from pleasure. The brunet nips at Sander's hipbone one last time before pulling back, his feet sliding to reach the floor.  
“You wanna watch me undo your belt and jeans with just my mouth?” Robbe asks, mouth cocked.  
“No,” Sander says, and then seems to realize he should elaborate incase Robbe takes it the wrong ways.  
“As much as I would love to see that, we should save that experience for the future. It would take too long now.”  
Ah, so even Sander has his limits.

Robbe's hands have taken up the task of undoing his belt, which claps slightly as it is tugged free, folded, and tossed. Sander helps by raising his hips, and Robbe growls slightly.  
He wants those hips underneath him, raising and grinding and fucking. reaches to pull off Sander’s underwear.  
“Robbe” Sander says, his hands closing around the younger man’s wrists, slowing him.  
Robbe shoots him an annoyed look. “Once I sit on you, I’m not getting off you again until I’m done. So either I take your underwear off right now or I’ll just tug them down low enough to free your cock when I want it and you can keep wearing your underwear.”  
The older boy swallows. He lets go and moves his hands to the bed to help him lift his hips while Robbe strips him down to nothing. The brunet makes sure to make eye contact with him before he shimmies out of his own underwear, only breaking that hungry gaze to lean forward and drag his tongue over chest.  
Sander pulls Robbe’s mouth down and forces his tongue into his mouth.  
Robbe takes the opportunity to rub himself on the boy underneath him. He sits up so that he can look down at Sander, whose mouth is parted as he pants, and then his eyes trail lower.  
And the whole experience begins. 

Hesitant hands reach up and stroke Robbe's chest, and then pinch his nipples experimentally. The boy on top shifts, reaching for the lube in the bedside table drawer. He lifts his hips so that there’s space to maneuver between them.  
“Ready?” Sander asks, and Robbe says yes by dragging his tongue over his throat. It’s not every day that Sander gets impatient and he just wants to make him feel good so he lowers his hips. And when he does, he immediately picks up the pace.  
“Easy… easy…” Sander grabs his hips and tries to slow him down.  
“Why don’t you speed up?” Robe counters, and even though he loves those hands on his hips he still strains against them for a faster movement.  
“I want to come,” he says, and he doesn’t have to look in the mirror to know that he is blushing, from enjoyment and embarrassment.  
It’s true though, if he won’t empties his self soon, he will turn into a mess of desperation and want.  
He’s barely holding it together as is.  
“Make me come, Baby.”  
Sander doesn’t say anything, he’s trying not to groan but lets out a few grunts. 

They only last just a few more minutes before Robbe collapses on top of Sander.

Yeah, riding Sander is glorious. But he can't help but notice that he's still hard and just whimpers: "Will you fuck me?!"

He doesn't have to say another word before his back is on the bed and he swallows. 

Every once in a while he manages to feel very small in Sander's presence, like he’s a kid, or just so inexperienced he’s nowhere near reaching the other man.  
His confidence suddenly completely disappears.  
Here on his bed with Sander, he feels small.

“Like this?” Sander asks, as he pushes them over a little more so that he is kneeling between his thighs.  
“Sure,” Robbe says like he doesn’t care. He feels even smaller in this position with Sander looming over him.  
“You sure?”  
“Fuck Sander, I’m not made of glass.  
It’s quite a sight, hair sticking to his neck, weathered skin flushed, come drying on his stomach.  
Sander never looks away from Robbe's face, no doubt looking for a sign that he should slow down or stop.  
Even though Robbe never gives him such a sign. He just groans. “Come on, Don’t hold out on me.”  
Sander actually chuckles, and then shrugs. His lips are parted and he’s panting and he looks like he’s close but his stable thrusts suggest otherwise.  
“Give it up, Sander.”  
Green eyes look down at Robbe curiously.  
“G-g-give it to m-me."  
The nervous excitement that sweeps over Sander’s face is pretty cute.  
And after a few moment, he finally gives it up.

A few minutes pass and neither one of them tries to move.

“Don’t fall asleep on me. You said we’d eat lunch.” Robbe whispers.

"How is your mom doing?"  
Lying on the couch, in front of the tv, with Sander's head on Robbe's chest, he asked and looked up to the boy.  
"She's fine I guess. She tries to go out as much as possible, gets in touch with her friends, she cooks everyday and we take walks every night before we go to bed. It actually feels like a new, fresh beginning and there is this theory that maybe, just maybe it could last for a little while.  
Peace I mean, with her."  
"That's great baby. What is she thinking about starting to work? You mentioned that she wanted to get a job again."

Robbe is surprised that Sander even remembered this.  
"Oh, yeah. She talked to her friend and I think they have a job for her, she's really excited about settling down in one work invioronent."  
"Yeah. She must be."

"How long are you thinking of staying here?"  
"Oh why? Did you get tired of me already? I'm hurt!"  
"No silly. I'd never get tired of you, you know that's impossible right?" Robbe laughed about Sander's teasing.  
"It's just that mom really missed you. She asks me about your whereabouts every second of the day. And I didn't know what to say to her. I'm sure she wants to see you."  
"Well, in that case, I'm all yours today."  
"Wait really?"  
"Yeah."

When Robbe got over the shock that Sander would stay with him for the whole day, he added teasingly while his heart started beating fast from the nervousness:  
"Just today?"  
"It depends on how good of a boy you will be in the next hours. After that, I'll make up my mind." 

Jokes aside, Robbe was always a good boy for Sander.  
He tried to, at least.  
That's still counts, right?

Robbe didn't ever think about his previous thoughts and the things he wanted to talk about. 

The things he needed to talk about.

And when Sander phone called suddenly, he remembered all of them. 

Sander tried to move away from Robbe, to answer it but the younger boy didn't let him.  
He pulled him closed and cling to him.  
He whimpered:  
"Just ignored it. Please."  
Sander ignored it.  
The call didn't stop for a while but eventually it did.  
But not for a long time.  
After a few seconds it started ringing again.  
"No. Why can't they let me have you for a while?" Robbe asked annoyingly.  
Sander snickered. When he moved to get off of him, Robbe started complaining.  
"No. No. Stop. Don't go!"

Robbe kissed him deeply to make him stay at his place, where he belonged.  
Right next to Robbe, or right on top of him.

Robbe didn't know which position he preferred. 

Apparently he did the right thing, since Sander stopped and kissed him back, sneaking his tongue in younger's mouth.

The phone got silent before it started ringing again.  
"Robbe. Move!" Sander finally groaned. And tried to get away.  
"No. I don't want you to stop touching me."  
"I won't. Just let me answer it." He laughed.  
"No!" Robbe hooked his legs around the boy's torso.  
"What if it's my mom? What if it's an emergency? Nobody would call this much if they didn't have some serious issue."  
"If it's your mom, she has my number and she knows you're with me, doesn't she?"

Robbe probably felt that it wouldn't be his mom. 

It would be someone else who'd crash their night together.  
And if he let Sander go now, who knows when he'd see him again? 

Unfortunately, he didn't notice that one of Sander's hand went on the floor to pick his phone up. 

If he did, he would capture his hands, his palms.  
He wouldn't let him answer it.

As soon as he saw the name, he immediately arose from bed.  
Confuse, sadness and understanding flashed on Robbe's face.  
He put his hands on his lap and waited. 

Sander's face was unreadable.  
His eyes were moving too fast over the room, looking for his shoes and socks. 

"Hey, hey, calm down. I'll be there as soon as I can, okay?  
...  
No. No.  
...  
Don't think like that.  
...  
Wait for me there, alright?  
...  
Stop. That's not true.  
...  
I'm coming. Don't go anywhere!"

He hanged up and looked at Robbe pitiful. 

"I'm so sorry, Robin. I have to go. I'll call you when I can, okay?"  
He was putting his shoes on, when Robbe went up behind him and asked him the one question that was haunting him the whole time:  
"Who was it?"  
Silence.  
"I asked you something, Sander!"  
"It's not the right time for this now."  
"Right time for what? I just want to know who was it.  
Don't I have every rights to know?"  
He was getting angry. As mush as he didn't want to hear the name, he needed to know.  
"You know who it was."  
"Yeah. I know. But I still don't get why you don't want to tell me? Are you hiding something?" Robbe realized later that he crossed the line with his last question.  
"What do you mean by that? I'm not hiding anything. It's definitely not my place to spill some things about his personal life and I know how you feel about him."  
Sander's tone was getting higher and higher.  
"W-w-what?"  
"I've seen your face Robbe."  
He yelled and Robbe flinched.  
"I've seen your eyes, every time I mention his name. And I don't get it, Robbe! I don't, okay?  
Why are you acting like this?  
Making me self conscious about people I hang out with, about my passions. I've finally found the person who doesn't mind me talking about my hobbies and doesn't make me guilty about it. Was that too much good thing for me?  
I don't get what you want me to do. He needs help right now and as his friend I need to be with him."  
"The person who doesn't mind you talking? That's me, Sander! Remember me? Have I ever not listen to you? Have I ever made you feel guilty?"  
Robbe eyes started to get wet.  
"You know that's not what I meant."  
"Then what did you mean?"

"I'm going Robbe! I don't have time for that right now."  
Sander went out of the room and Robbe followed him.  
"If you go right now, I swear to god, I'll never talk to you again!"  
He yelled out with all his voice.

He was almost certain that Sander would walk out without a thought, but much to his surprise, he stopped and turned around. 

"Just tell me what's wrong, why aren't you happy that I finally have a friend?" Sander walked up to him, seeming more calm.  
Robbe swallowed. He didn't know what to say.  
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. Just go!"  
"No. Not until you tell me the truth." He whispered and touched Robbe's face with his palms.

Now it was more difficult to pull words out of his throat. 

"I miss you. You just spend so much time away from me, I'm trying to pick on everything that keeps you away. I don't have any right to tell you who to hang out and how much time you should spend with them.  
I just miss you so much, I hope you'd spend some more time with me.  
You p-p-promised."

Sander eyes got soft, his forehead touched Robbe's and he breathed out.  
"I know baby. I want that too, so much, but you need to understand! What would you do in my place?"  
Robbe knew that Sander was correct. He knew that he'd do the same thing immediately in his place.  
"I know baby, I know. And I also don't want to be the person who doesn't allowed his boyfriend to see his friends, that's not me, I hope you know that.  
It's just, I missed you so much, I couldn't control myself. I'm so sorry that I can be this needy, but I can't help it."  
"I love your needy ass." Sander kissed his lips and for a moment Robbe thought that everything was normal again.

The reality hit him hard, as it always does.

"Just go now, before I'll lose my mind and chain you to the chair."  
"I prefer the bed baby."  
Teasing bastard.  
"I know you do."  
Sander brushed his palm against his cheek, smiling nervously. He smashed his lips against his, pulling him closer, his hands snaking up and down Robbe's back, not breaking the kiss for a second.  
"If you don't go now, I don't think I'll be able to let you go. Ever."

They kissed one more time and then Sander left.  
Again.

And Robbe didn't hear from him for three days after that.


	3. Chapter 3

To Robbe, feeling insecure wasn't a new thing.  
He was always insecure, his whole life. He was insecure about being the reason his parents had problems, that in the end led them to their divorce.  
He was insecure when Jens started hanging out with Aaron and Moyo. He didn't mean to but when Jens started ditching him, he felt horrible.  
But the feeling he has right now is the worst kind of insecurity.  
Robbe knows that there isn’t a person who doesn’t have insecurities - some are just better at dealing with them, or perhaps hiding them.  
We always worry what other people think about us, we worry if we’re good looking enough, we worry that we’re not doing all that we should be, we worry that we won't be able to succeed, we worry that people will find out we’re just a failures. We worry that we’re not good enough.  
And we will never be.  
But how long? 

Is it even worth it?  
Is everything even worth it?

Will he ever be enough for Sander? He can't give him much, just his body, heart and soul. It's everything he's got.  
He doesn't have any special abilities. He can't draw Sander, can't write him a poem, can't sing to him, he can't even properly tell him, how much he means to him. 

But he only hopes that Sander knows. He hopes that he can see the emotions in Robbe's eyes. Because if he can't, it means that Robbe isn't doing a great job at showing Sander how much he loves him.  
There is almost nothing that scares him more than that.  
Sander deserves to be loved. Deserves to be loved by someone special, someone who can adore him the way he is meant to be adored. 

The day Robbe had met him had been the best day in his life. Every moment they spent together felt like magic, like a dream come true.  
And Robbe's dream literally came true.  
In all his life he had never thought he’d have someone like Sander - someone who loves him and accepts him the way he is without insisting he changes.  
Sander always repeats that Robbe is perfect.  
Robbe is anything but perfect. However, sometimes it feels good to hear this words.  
Sometimes Sander really makes him feel like he's perfect.  
Like he doesn't have numbers and numbers of flaws.  
Like he isn't full of imperfect weaknesses.  
He missed feeling that way, even if he doesn't believe it.  
He want Sander to come out of the corner, with his goody smile and messy white hair, he wishes for Sander's loving and gentle kisses and touches.  
His sweet and quiet whisper: "you're perfect!" 

The thing he loves about Sander the most is that there had never been judgement in his eyes whenever he told him something, about his life or emotions. He loved him more than he thought was possible. Nothing Robbe had felt until the moment he had met Sander, could ever compare to the feelings he had for him.  
What they had was special, it was that kind of unique sweet love that has to be lived to be fully understood. His love for him had consumed him and he couldn’t imagine his life without him anymore. They loved and understood each other like no one else, always sharing everything with the other. Sander had pulled him in like a magnet and the past year they had spent together had been the best year in his life. Sander had been the one who in death had made him feel most alive.

And the thought of losing that petrified him to the core.  
He's already felt like Sander was slipping out of his fingers. And the worst part was how unstoppable that process was.  
How Robbe couldn't do anything to prevent it, but just watch and accept losing him. 

He felt broken and alone every time Sander wasn’t around. Robbe missed all those lazy afternoons when they’d just cuddle on the couch or in bed , maybe watch a movie or he’d watch him make sketches on his drawing notebook.  
Those days were long gone. Now Robbe’d spend hours waiting for him to call him just to hear his voice. Knowingly or not, his boyfriend had thrown him into a world of hurt. Sometimes he wondered if Sander still loved him because he just couldn’t feel it anymore. How can he still be in love with him and ignore and blow him off all the time right? A part of him felt like he was losing him, the other hoped that this is just a ‘rough patch’ and the days when they were happy, doing everything together would return. But the longer this went on, the worse he felt. Without him around, he just didn’t feel alive. He didn’t know how he’d get over Sander and all this pain if things between them ended. He was pretty sure losing him, the best thing that has happen to his pathetic and meaningless life, would kill him.  
Yes. His life was just insignificant without Sander by his side.  
He felt sick.

He didn’t want to spend another night alone, worrying and in pain because he wasn’t there with him.

A few times he called him but the call went straight to voicemail and he didn’t really feel like leaving a message. 

There it was again - the feeling of being left alone, existing all by himself in their relationship, like they were just strangers and not lovers. 

The bottle in his hands was half empty but the alcohol wasn’t helping him at all. In fact it felt more like it was putting him more and more on edge. He had spent his entire life being threated like he wasn’t worthy of anything, being replaced.  
He felt like it was happening all over again and this time, it hurt more than ever. None of the pain he's felt before, compared to the pain Sander was putting him through in that moment.  
Again.  
Being with him was really like bipolar. Either he was shining from the happiness or dying from the pain.  
There was no in between.  
First he ignores him and now this. He was losing him and that thought was breaking him into pieces.  
He doesn't want to think about what he's doing right now.  
Who is he thinking about?  
Who is he with? 

But of course Robbe knew.

He knew.  
He felt.

There was still a part of him that thought, everything would go back the way it was before.  
It was just a bad time for their relationship, it didn't mean that the whole thing was ending.

But why did it seem like it?

Robbe asked himself that question a lot.  
He's confused almost all the time.  
Confused by love, by jealousy, by everything.

He thought that maybe he was imagining it.  
Maybe their relationship was fine.  
He was just overthinking, as always. 

If Sander was here, Robbe would tell him how he felt.  
Sander would ask him the reason behind his confessions. And Robbe would say:  
"Because you don’t tell me anything. We used to tell each other everything, Sander. Every night you couldn’t wait to get home and run into my arms, suffocate me with kisses and tell me about your day. Now I stay awake night after night trying to convince myself that you still love me, that our plans for our future are still there, knowing its all slipping through my fingers.”  
“It’s not -” Sander'd interrupt.  
“Stop lying!” Robbe'd say with tears in his eyes.  
"I am absolutely terrified of losing you. What I feel for you is the most strong real feeling I’ve ever felt in my life. There is nothing that even remotely compares to it. You say that you love me but you treat me like an inanimate object. I am there when you need me but when I need you, you are never around. Do you have any idea how that feels?” Robbe would open his whole heart out for Sander to see, to feel, to read.  
“Maybe you should find someone else then. If that’s how miserable you feel being with me.” Sander'd snapped, he'd yank his hands free and try to push away the tears. It'd hurt him, knowing Robbe feels that way and he'd regretted his words the second they came out of his mouth.  
What if Robbe really does find someone else? What if after everything he decides that the pain he had caused him is too much and he can’t be around him anymore?  
Wasn't that his biggest fear one time?  
“Save your advices or whatever. You know I am not going to listen.” Robbe'd took a step towards him and he wouldn't even believe his boy had even suggested he find someone else. Sander might’ve hurt him but he couldn’t be without him.  
“You know what - maybe you are right. Maybe I should move on. Find someone else. Someone who actually wants to spend time with me and makes me feel loved and wanted. There are so many reasons why I should give you up.  
But my heart wants you.  
There is no one else for me but you. I can’t live without you and I know that somewhere deep down you feel the same way.  
I refuse to believe the person I love has disappeared and has been replaced with this cold facaded like mask, I don’t even recognise.”

Sander'd brush his palm against his cheek.  
“I can’t imagine my life without you Sander. That life doesn’t exist anymore.” he'd say softly, meeting his eyes.  
“I can’t leave you even if I wanted to. I only feel alive when you are with me. I don’t ever want to know what its like not having you in my life. The heart really wants what it wants even if it’s painful.”  
“I’m sorry – for all the pain I’ve caused you. I guess I can't do anything better than that. I only cause you pain.” 

No. No. No.

That's not how this conversation will go. 

Because if Sander is going to pull his "I just hurt you all the time" card, Robbe wouldn't be able to stay upset with him. Not when Sander felt bad, not when he was sad. 

No. Even after all the thing he's caused to Robbe, he couldn't dare himself to make Sander hurt.  
He loves him too much for that.

Instead Sander would say something like this:  
“I am sorry you don’t feel loved or wanted. That is not true - I love and want to be with you more than anything and our future together is still there. I still want it, I will always want it.”  
“Then why are acting like this? Tell me.”  
Robbe'd ask but that was it.

That's how his imagination scene ends.  
He didn't know how it'd continue after that.  
He doesn't know what Sander'd answer to his question. 

Deep down maybe he knew.  
But he didn't want to picture it.

That was okay.  
He only hoped that someday the conversation would come.  
But Robbe was sure, when and if it did, he'd have nothing to say. Looking at Sander's eyes would make him forget every problem.  
He hates how much power the older boy has over him.  
He can just imagine now.

If only Sander was here.

"How's is Sander?"  
Sander.  
Sander.  
Sander.  
Sander.

He was everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

His mom looked a little worried, he hasn't seen him for a long time.  
"H-he is f-fine."  
"You don't sound so sure. Is everything alright?"  
"It is, mom. Thanks. He's busy with university at the moment and I can't see him often."  
Lie flew out of his mouth before he even realized it.  
It was so easy.  
Telling lies was his special ability probably, it came natural for him.  
"Okay. I just wanted to make sure. I really like him. I can clearly see how happy he makes you and this last few days you have been sad and I just wanted to know if something happened. I was waiting for you to tell me but I guess that'd never happen. You need to talk to me when something is wrong with you, Robbe."  
Yeah, maybe Robbe wasn't as good at lying as he was in the past. That mush have been Sander's fault too.  
"Thank you. I'll." Robbe smiled at her.

He won't. But someone caring about him feels nice.  
"How are things going on with you? What did your friend say?"  
"About what, honey?" His mother was slowly drinking her tea.  
"About the job?" He titled his eyebrows with confusion.  
"Oh, yeah."

Robbe officially hated the expression "oh."

"And?" He was getting impatient now.  
"I don't know. We'll see if something comes up."  
"I thought it was already settled."  
"Yes. It was but - "  
"But what?"  
"We'll see, Robbe. I already told you."  
"O-okay."

Robbe:  
19:17  
"I miss you."

Yes. Robbe had no dignity.  
Why did he text him?  
He was trying to ignore him.  
As if it was even possible.  
Sander'd say something and it didn't matter how much time went since he was silent, and Robbe would be up immediately, going anywhere he was told to go, doing anything he was told to do.  
It was so scary how much he didn't care about his self. 

Just Sander.  
Was he sleeping, was he eating normally, was he alright?  
He was glaring at his phone like it was the device's fault that the text message wasn't coming back, like his phone already received the text and it was hiding it from Robbe. 

Nothing came. 

In that instant, Robbe lost his ability to think. He looked at the things around him and was completely unable to make sense of what he was seeing.  
He felt that something wasn't right.  
But other than the emotional pain he was experiencing, he had no means of working out what it was, nor where to turn to fix it. His mind went numb.  
He was asking himself questions to figure out what was wrong, but at the same time, he wasn't able to understand what was he even asking, let alone how to comprehend a way of answering those questions.  
He felt tears. Rivers of tears and he was unable to stop crying.  
Robbe is lost. He cannot cognitively function as he once did so easily.  
Everything around is foreign and he has no way of connecting to how – or why – it is in his life. Perhaps the worst aspect of this was that he was standing in front of the mirror and he had no idea who was looking back out at him.

He lost all sense of who he is at the same time – the things that used to go together to make him a human being are gone, and it feels like they will never be found again.  
He's feeling terrifyingly lonely. And he knows he'll be like that for a long time, since he can not understand what is happening, and that means he can not explain it to anyone else.  
All sense of belonging has completely disappeared. He felt like he was floating, swinging in the air, going somewhere he couldn't come back from.  
He feet completely disconnected from the community, from the world.  
He's already extremely vulnerable, and if someone, right now, could say something to him that they think will help to ‘lift Robbe out of his funk,' it'd wound him like a knife, making him fall backwards into the abyss his's trying to climb out of.  
He's terrified, because everything he knew to be true about himself and his life are suddenly gone and he has no direction.  
He doesn’t know where to turn, where the answers are, or how to ‘fix’ the situation.  
He knows and doesn't know what is wrong, at the same time.  
He's also utterly frightened because he's realized, that he's extremely dependent on someone else for his survival. That's feeling is completely foreign to him, it wasn't something he've ever needed to deal with before.  
He knew who that person was.  
The person he couldn't punctuate without.  
"Fuck!" He yelled out and dropped his body on the bed.  
Short, disconnected gasps leave Robbe's mouth as he curls up into himself and covers his eyes with the palms of his hands.  
His heart clenches terribly and he can feel himself getting light-headed from how fast he was hyperventilating.  
"Why am I like this," he thinks to himself. A debilitating gasp has him struggling for breath before he continues deprecating himself.  
He curls into himself more, his teeth clenching in frustration and anger towards himself.  
More negative thoughts cycle through his mind. He vaguely wonders if anyone would care if they saw him like this, but he eventually decides that no one would care.  
He's never given anyone a good reason to care about him. That's how he prefers it anyway.  
Liar.

He quickly switches his train of thought before he decides to wander down that thought path.  
Robbe stays in his tense, fetal position for a while longer. A bitter laugh leaves him as he thinks how humiliating and pathetic he must look.  
Emptiness fills him, and he doesn't know which is better. Feeling absolutely nothing or feeling something intensely.

He didn't even know anymore. For who, for what was he trying? What the point was, what the end of the line looked like. He didn't understand the meaning, the purpose. He felt numb, like a shield had finally raised through his heart to stop the overflowing emotions. It was not like this feeling was foreign; the despair, feeling like you're trapped inside your own mind.  
No, it wasn't that. He thought he was done with this. He thought he had overcame the overwhelming sensibility he could feel every night if needed. Sometimes, every ten minutes or so, he could feel panic stirring inside of him, hitting deep in his guts, which was a reminder of his failures.

He made Robbe overcome those things.

Robbe wasn't supposed to be here alone, he wasn't supposed to feel this way anymore.  
But here he was, sitting on his bed, staring at his hand to make sure he was there, real.

Just a few weeks ago, he was on the cloud nine, feeling unstoppable, feeling lucky, feeling amazing. 

Where is the light he used to know?! 

And maybe that's the reason, why he was feeling so down after being happy for so long.

The pression was heavy, unbearable, he could not even describe it. His entourage pushed him to do things he did not believe himself capable of doing, but he never refuse any of the propositions. Who was he to? He didn't have the right, he was no one. So he kept pushing, pushing until exhaustion took over, until he could not breathe anymore, until his legs flinched, until he could feel rocks digging into his flesh, bruised knees and numb hands.

The night was just settling, rain drops falling at a fast pace. The weather matched his mood to be honest, he felt everything and nothing at the same time. He could hear the rain outside his window, the wind getting stronger and the sound of a storm coming closer.  
If he was being honest with himself, it was all getting worse inside of him as well. As he searched the whole house, panic getting the best of him, he somehow managed to take his phone in a hurry and compose the first number that came to mind.  
The first number that always came to his mind. 

It went straight to the voicemail.

There was no way he could sleep after that.  
Maybe he'll just fill the void with battle.  
That seems like a right thing to do.  
It was the only thing he could do actually. 

* * *

"She makes me crazy sometimes. I don't know how to talk to her. I told her no but she keeps bugging me." Aaron threw his hands around as if he was making a point.  
"Have you tried asking why it's so important to her?" Jens asks him as he drags the smoke out of his mouth into the air.  
Robbe watches the smoke go up and up, until it finally disappears and connects to the invisibility world.  
"No?" Moyo groaned as soon as Aaron said that.  
"What? Why does it matter anyway? It's stupid. Am I not right, Robbe?"  
"Huh?"  
"I asked you if I was right or not. And I am."  
"Okay? If you say so?" To be honest, Robbe had no idea what they were talking about, nor did he care.  
They were finally talking about other things than him and Sander and he was glad for that. He knew they were doing anything to stop theirselves from asking where his oh, so called boyfriend was. 

Robbe has been silent in the past too, his friends learnt from their mistakes but Jens warned them to not ask any questions.  
Robbe knew that too.

And when Aaron finally blurt it out, he wasn't surprised. Not at all.  
"What is wrong with you these days"  
"Aaron!" Jens and Moyo said it at the same time.  
"What? Someone had to say anything. I'm just looking out for my friend. He's not like his self."  
"It's okay, you can ask. What do you want to know?"  
It wasn't okay.  
Everyone got quiet all of a sudden.  
"We're worries about you." Moyo looked him in the eyes and he saw the real emotion in there.  
Worry.  
He doesn't remember when somebody told him that.  
It's been so long since he mad anyone worry about himself and that must counts as progress.  
So he decided it was time to speak up.  
"Aaron is right. I haven't been feeling like myself lately. And it's scary."  
"What do you mean by that?"  
"Umm, I don't know how to explain it, actually? I just can't recognize me."  
"Is it because of Saner?" Moyo asked carefully after he stopped looking at his shoes.  
"Is he having an another episode, is that why you don't feel so good?" Jens's words hit him like the strong wind, knocking him off his feet. 

Was Sander having an another episode right now?  
He desn't know.

He needed to check up on him.  
What if his mind was racing with horrible thoughts?  
What if he was weak from pretending to be fine after all this time?  
He must have felt terrible from ignoring him.  
Sander sitting on a corner with his knees up to his chest, his head resting between them, shaking from emotions, tears running down his cheeks, hands desperately trying to hug himself, since he had no one to embrace. Imagine went on Robbe's head before he could even stopped it and he took breath faintly. 

"Robbe?"  
"I don't know how he's doing and it's slowly killing me."  
"Why don't you know? He isn't telling you?"  
"No. I haven't talk to him for almost a week now."  
"Maybe you should go to his house."

Why hasn't Robbe thought of that?  
He could have also asked his mom.  
He was too busy trying to bury himself in the pity that he didn't even think about all the other possibilities he lucky had to make sure he was okay.

He suddenly got so angry at his self. Why didn't he do all those things? Why did he kill him self from over thinking when he could just dial his mom's number to see how his Sander was doing?

Why didn't he talk to his friends sooner?  
"Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna do that."

He certainly wasn't ready to know what he'd see at Sander's house.

Robbe definitely wasn't stalking. He was just checking Sander's Instagram, then he noticed that his following number was higher than he remembered.  
He was just curious so he checked and there he was.  
Michael.

His replacement.  
And some other girl he didn't even know or care about.

He went into Michael's profile.  
And the first thing he noticed right away was a drawing.  
Behind his new uploaded photo. In the middle.  
It was Michael.  
Someone drew him.

Robbe's heart stopped. He was scared to check if Michael mentioned the artist.  
He must have.  
But if Robbe checked, and Sander's name would be there, it'd destroy him.  
He closed his eyes and clicked on the photo.  
He didn't want to open them.  
And when he did he only saw black.  
Phone had turned off because he wasn't touching the screen. He got annoyed, turned it on and there it was.  
The drawing.  
It was such a delicate sketch, it didn't seem like the artist was rushing at all.  
It's always a little messy when the drawer tries to put the image on the paper, when the model is talking or moving.  
But no, this drawing wasn't like that.  
You could clearly see that the boy was drawn slowly.  
Robbe could picture it vividly, Michael sitting on a chair, trying to stay at one place, not moving while Sander was doing the sketch.  
Oh, so carefully.  
Oh, so slowly.  
If the picture was heart wrecking for him, the caption was worse:  
"My artist. Always willing to make my wishes come true" and winky face.

His artist.  
Robbe wanted to vomit.  
Since when was his boy Michael's artist?

No. No.  
Sander was supposed to be only Robbe's and Robbe's artist. He has never thought about the fact that Sander draw other people all the time. It was his job, his hobby, his happy place. But now seeing that Sander drew him, Robbe's thoughts went wild.  
So that's how Sander was doing and spending his time. He was too busy to even answer his phone when Robbe was losing his mind worrying about him, but not busy to hangout with Michael, draw him?  
Robbe felt sick in his stomach.  
The thoughts which he tried so hard to ignore, to hide in the back of his mind came into the surface, crushing him, making him question everything. 

The photo was uploaded two days ago.  
He searched through the comments, afraid what he would find.

Sander hasn't commented on it.  
But he liked the picture.

Robbe shouldn't be here.  
He knew he didn't belong here anymore but he rang the bell anyways, scared who would open the door.  
Not being ready to see his face and also dying just to look at it again, at the same time.  
He was that whipped.  
The door wasn't opening.  
He kept hugging his self, trying to find comfort.  
He let out a dragged sigh and he was about to turn around and leave when Sander's mom appeared from the other street.  
Robbe impatiently waited by the door, rocking from side to side.  
"Oh, Robbe! I haven't seen you for so long. How are you?" His mom hugged him and was looking for her keys in her bad.

Yeah, I haven't seen you for so long too.  
Huh, I wonder whose fault is that?  
"I'm fine, thank you, how are you?"  
"Alright, alright. Come on in. I just brought something for dinner."  
Robbe couldn't say no.

Going into his house felt like stepping in the heaven.  
The familiar home kind of smell was empowering.  
It felt like a drug to Robbe, all the memories, all the time he spent here were flashing in front of his eyes. He has never felt this close and this far away from Sander before. He looked at the end of a hallway, seeing his room's door slightly open.  
"Sander isn't at home yet." His mom interrupted his thoughts. She was putting the food in the fridge. Robbe didn't know if he was relieved or disappointed.  
"Do you know w-where h-he is?"  
Who is he with?  
"No. I'm sorry. He left before I woke up actually. Do you want coffee?"  
"Yeah, thank you." He took of his beanie and jacket.  
"Are you sure I can stay? I mean I don't want to disturb you." His face was heating up, he hoped that he'd stay for a while. He wanted to gather some information, and he hoped he'd see Sander. As much as he wasn't ready to face him at the moment, he wanted nothing more than seeing his face.  
"You're not a burden honey. I really wanted to see you. I was thinking about calling you other day."  
"Oh, really?"  
"Yeah, I wanted to ask you how my son was doing actually?"  
She wanted to ask Robbe that. 

He had no idea how Sander was doing, well he imagined that he was fine if he had energy to draw his friend. 

"I haven't really talked to him for days and he is so distant and cold every time I see him, I can't help but worry. It doesn't seem like he's having an episode, that's why I'm so confused."  
So Sander wasn't cold just to Robbe.  
Maybe that was a good sign. Maybe their relationship was still existing.  
There still must have been a chance.  
"Actually? He hasn't been talking to me for a while now too."  
"What do you mean? I thought he was talking to you every night." The confusion on her face made Robbe knit his eyebrows.  
"Me?"  
"Yeah. I could hear his laughing from his room every night. I thought he was talking to you."

Oh.  
Oh.  
"N-n-no. He wasn't."

His mom didn't recognize or see desperation on Robbe's face and she continued.  
"I thought everything was going great. I mean he seems fine, but only when he's on his phone. I thought he was texting you or something. He's so jumpy and angry all the time. It doesn't seem like him, I know my boy. He's never like that and I knew something was troubling him but every time I asked him something, he would just yell and get upset so I stoped asking. I was hoping he'd tell me by himself since he always does that. But not this time. I don't know what is going on in his head."  
She looked devastated and Robbe wanted to erase every little worrying thought she had,  
He wanted to tell her and her son was okay and she didn't need to worry about him. He wanted to say that he had everything under control but that wasn't true.  
He couldn't and that made him more miserable said if it was even possible at this point.  
"He goes out very early in the morning, and comes back so late at night, goes straight in his room. The most normal I have seen was four or five days ago. He brought Michael over and he seemed okay with him.  
Or maybe he was pretending I don't know."  
Robbe managed to get the next words out of his mouth.  
"Has he brought h-h, umm, M-Michael over often?"  
"Yeah, I mean no, not that often. Just a few times. He's so worried about him. Apparently he has some very serious problems at home and Sander is trying to - "  
"Yeah, I get it. They're f-friends but he doesn't have to solve his problems."  
"Yes. That's what I told him too and he freaked out. He also said something about Michael's sister being, sorry for my language but I'm sure he used the word "bitch." I think he had met her too. I just want to know what is going on with him.  
He would get so mad if he knew I'm saying all of this to you right now. He never wants you to worry about him and I know sometimes he can be very distant and unresponsive but you just need to give him some time. He hates when he's feeling like a burden to someone while he's sad or just not in the mood to talk. He hasn't been that way for so long. Actually, he hasn't been like that since you two started dating. I don't know what has happened now. And I also don't want to seem like a mom which is controlling the people who her son hangs out with, but I don't like that boy's drama and I want Sander as far away from it as possible. But he's not agreeing with me. You're good for my son. And I'm not just saying it. I have seen him around you and I have never seen him that happy, but this boy just causes him pain and I don't know how to protect him from it. If he would let me talk to him, I'd give him some advice. He's so stubborn."  
Robbe didn't know what to say and how to answer all of this.  
It did make a sense. A lot of sense actually.  
But what was going on in Michael's life that made Sander so miserable and cold towards everything but Michael himself.  
He wasn't jealous anymore. He was nervous and anxious.  
But that didn't prove anything, he was feeling those things almost all the time.

He was right when he didn't like Michael from the beginning, it wasn't just his jealousy that was making him worry. He knew he was a bad news.  
"Why does he feel like he needs to step in?"  
"I'm probably guessing that he just wants to help him. He mentioned last week that because of Michael's problems he wasn't spending enough time with you and he was very upset about that. But after that I have heard him talking to someone on the phone and I thought it was you. So I didn't ask him anything about that. And he seemed okay last few days, other than being so snappy all the time."  
"He hasn't been answering me for I don't know how long. I was so worried."  
"He does that sometimes. And then he gets mad at himself when he makes others worry about him.  
He tries to hide his pain and his emotions."  
"That's the point. He was comfortable and he was always talking to me about his feelings before Michael showed up. I don't know what he has done to him." Robbe's desperation for answers were getting strong and strong by every previous seconds.  
"I guess you just have to ask him. He's not telling me anything, maybe he will tell you." Robbe really doubted that but decided not to say.  
"Yeah I will when he finally decides to answer me." 

Sander didn't show up the whole time Robbe was at his house. His mom was super sweet and they talked for hours.  
But when it was finally starting to get dark, he decided it was time to go home. He also didn't want to see Sander on his way out. He needed to calm down his thoughts first and he couldn't do that with him by his side. He didn't think when he was around. His mind was blank.  
It was his heart which was doing all the work.  
And of course, we can't forget, his body.  
He was so lucky and relieved when he didn't see Sander while he was going home.  
But his mind was racing.  
Just too many thoughts. 

He's trying to stay calm, just to get to his home first but he's trying and failing.  
Sometimes he wants to just give up to his thoughts, it's funny because he spends so much time trying to actively ignore his anxiety that, he sometimes just want to give in and let it take over.  
Maybe that's what he needs right now too.  
He tries counting to three as he breathes in and to five as you breathes out.  
He stops by the corner and pays attention only to his breathing as he tries to slow it down. His mind is still wandering, but he manages to bring it back to normal. Or what normal feels like nowadays. 

When he gets to his house, he is stopped at the track by what he's seeing. Tall, black haired man is exiting through the door while his mom is waving her hand at him. The stranger got to the blue car on the driveway, took the keys out of his pocket, got in and drove away.  
Robbe's mom didn't see him standing opposite of the street and went back in.  
Robbe ran to his house and barged in. He didn't know if he should mention that he saw the man or not. 

The door was open. He took of his shoes and jacket and went straight to the living room where he knew his mom would be sitting, in front of the tv, watching some tv series she always liked.  
"Hey. Good evening!"  
"Hi, honey. Where were you?"  
"I went to see Sander."  
"Oh, that's wonderful. How is he feeling?"  
"He's fine. He said he missed your cooking and he'd come here as soon as he's feeling better."  
"Oh, my, he's such a sweetheart. Tell him I miss him too and I can't wait to see him again."  
"Will do."

He was about to go to his room, when he decided that he wanted to know.  
"Mom?"  
"Hm?"  
"Who was this man that went right before I came back?"  
"Um, what?"  
"There was this man going out of our house? I saw him."  
"Oh, yeah, yeah. Um. He, he was here... because he - "

The phones were always choosing the right time to call.  
It interrupted her trying to come up with a lie or excuse or something that Robbe would have to swallow and smile at.

I think the caller did both of them a gift so they could leave this conversation alone by now.

He'd ask again soon.  
It was no big deal.

He put his phone on silent.  
It wasn't like anyone important was calling him now, was it?

He took of his clothes and went straight to the shower. Hot water felt right against his skin and it helped him to calm down to the stage where he could sort his thoughts out. 

He'll talk to Sander.  
He didn't care if the other boy didn't wanted to, Robbe'd make him listen and he'd help him. Whatever was going inside his mind, he didn't have to deal with hem alone.  
Not anymore at least.  
Even if it meant dealing Michael's problems.

And he was deadly curious too. What the hell was going on in Michael's life that Sander was so worried and secretive about?  
Family problems were hard.  
If someone could be able to understand and relate to that, it was Robbe. But there wasn't a thing that couldn't be sorted out.  
Person could deal with absolutely anything. Every problem could be resolved.

Well anything but death itself.  
Robbe was just hoping that that wasn't the case.

You just have to get use to death.  
You can't move on or deal with it.  
Ever.

Times when Sander would disappear and deal with everything alone was gone. He wasn't going to stand and watch the man he loved slowly getting insane because of his, so called friend's problems.  
It wasn't fair and he didn't know how Sander couldn't see that. 

Michael was using him and he's thoughtfulness, his empathy and he's ability, wanting to make everyone happy. 

They were in this relationship together and Robbe wouldn't let him be alone. Again.

And if what his mother said was right, that meant that Sander was upset about ignoring Robbe too. He must have been missing him, wanting to be with him, touching him, talking to him.

He didn't wanted to think about all "laughing at night" and "I thought he was talking to you" parts. 

Michael was funny, he was already aware of that.  
He was so hilarious that Sander couldn't stop telling his jokes every time they were together and Robbe had to admit, he definitely was funny and his jokes were amazing.  
Perfect.

And Robbe doesn't even want to start thinking about his looks.

This shower just went from dedication to devastating again. 

When he got out, he didn't even bother drying his hair with a hair drier, he put some sweatpants and one of the shirts, Sander kept at his home, on.  
He turned on his laptop and went straight to the Instagram checking if he posted something. But all he got was one selfie from Jana and one inspiration quote from Amber.  
He checked on Michael too and there was no new post or stories.  
It's not like he'd actually see his story from his personal account. 

Then he remembered the girl he saw that Sander followed. He was about to visit her profile when his phone, which was charging, lit up from the nightstand.  
He put his hand out to reach it and when he did and saw the notification he almost dropped it on the floor. 

It's been so long since he has seen his name pop up.

He didn't know he missed this feeling this much, getting messages from him.  
He was extremely scared to actually read what it was and when he finally got the courage to see and open it, he had no idea how to answer.

Sander:  
21:20  
"Were you at my house today?"

Has her mom told him?  
Robbe wasn't sure but he felt like if his mom told him, Sander wouldn't ask him like that. 

After a few seconds, next message came.

Sander:  
21:21  
"I saw your beanie."

Shit.


	4. Chapter 4

Oh, so he talks.

Robbe:  
21:23  
"Is that the only reason you texted me?"

Sander:  
21:23  
"No."

21:25  
"I want to see you."

Robbe:  
21:26  
"You can come over tomorrow."

Sander:  
21:29  
"I need to see you now."

21:31  
"Are you at home?"

Robbe:  
21:33  
"Yeah."  
"Will you pick me up?"

Sander:  
21:34  
"I'll be there in 15."

Robbe almost fell out of the bed when he tried to get up so quickly. He went to his closet and started choosing what he was going to wear.  
He wanted to look good, it wasn't like he needed to impress Sander but it's been so long since they last saw each other, he wanted to at least look decent for him.

After he tried three different outfit, he thought it was enough.  
He went out of the room.  
"Mom, I'm going out." He called out.  
"Where are you going?" He heard while he was putting his shoes on.  
"I'm going to see Sander. I'm taking my keys. Don't wait up."  
"Didn't you see him two hours ago?"  
"Bye!"

When he went outside, Sander was already there.  
And oh, god.

It's been so long since he last saw glimpse of his face.  
Robbe felt butterflies in his stomach like the first time he looked at him. His boyfriend looked so beyond hot in that moment he didn't even know how someone could be this breathtaking, his breath got caught in his throat.  
Before he had had time to say something, Sander pinned him to the building wall near by, smashed his lips against his like never before. His body pressed against his and he deepened the kiss, kissing him hungrily not willing to even let him take a breath. He pulled out after almost an entire minute and gazed into Robbe's eyes, a smile spreading across his face a moment later.  
“Hi.”  
“You are real.” Robbe whispered, his fingertips exploring his face trailing every inch. “H-h-hey! H-how are you? You have no idea how much I missed you.”  
Sander laughed and suddenly Robbe felt the hole in his heart disappear, like the past weeks had never happened.  
"What has been going on with you, Sander? You have no idea how I -"  
“It’s a really long story sweetheart.” he smiled. “I’ll tell you later today, but first -”  
His lips pressed against his again drowning him in a deep passionate kiss, as Robbe's hands wrapped around his neck pulling him even closer to him, taking his breath away completely.  
“I love you.” he said suddenly.  
"I wanted to c -"  
Robbe pulled him towards him, not letting him speak, until their lips collided again, not even caring they are in the middle of the street and anyone could see them, while he and Sander tried to swallow each other. None of that mattered to him. Sander was back. He was there, right there barely an inch away from him and even that felt like a huge distance to him.  
“I love you too.” he smiled.  
Robbe kissed him again, he couldn't get enough. He doesn't know how he managed to be without him even just for a few days.  
Sander took a small step away from him, purposefully messing up his hair and making him laugh. He had missed Robbe's laugh, seeing the spark in his eyes, feeling his lips on his.  
He had missed every single thing about him.  
What a true hell it has been being away from him.  
Robbe brushed his nose against his cheek, taking in his scent.  
It had been so long since he had been able to do that, to wrap his arms around him and feel him near him and feel his heart racing. No. He could hear his heart beat now. Robbe smiled to himself ignoring completely any other movement out there, in the street if it didn't belong to Sander. None of it mattered to him.  
Nothing but Sander.  
He had thought he’d never see his smile again. Robbe had been pretty sure he’d go the other way and having him back in his arm was everything.  
Sander nibbled on his earlobe placing a gentle kiss on his neck, making him moan. 

Suddenly Sander wrapped his arms around his waist and twirling him around.  
Robbe let out a generous laugh trying to touch Sander's head with his fingers. Drinking in the boy's sight, so beautiful, so perfect.  
And all his.  
His heart was about to burn out of his skin, tingling feeling going up and down, goosebumps all over his body.  
He wasn't certain how much time Sander was spinning him and he didn't think about how dizzy they would be after that, he only know that he wasn't sure this moment was real, and he was waiting for Sander to disappear into thin air.  
But there was one thing he was sure about - this was one of the happiest moment in his life.  
Sander let him down gently, holding onto him the entire time and his lips found his again.  
Sander held him so tightly for a moment he worried he might break Robbe or suffocate him with his kiss, but Robbe didn’t mind at all.  
To Sander it appeared that Robbe wanted just what he did - to never ever ever let go of each other again.  
“Come on, my prince.” he said taking his hand. “Lets go.”  
“Where are we going?” wondered Robbe.  
“Somewhere special.” he winked at him and pulled him down the street with him.  
“So, what has my angel been up to the past week?"  
Robbe smiled widely hearing him call her his angel. His heart fluttered and by the change in Sander's face he appeared to know that.  
Of course he knew.  
He knew what kind of power he had over his boyfriend. And he was using it agains him quite often too.  
"Nothing much, I've been missing you nonstop."  
"I can relate to that. I couldn't wait to get my hands on your delicious body."  
Making Robbe blush was one of the most pleasurable thing Sander could do.  
"Oh, I almost forgot. Look what I have in here." Sander let go off Robbe and he got desperation whine for that, making him laugh. He dug his hands into his back pocket and put Robbe's beanie out of it. He put it over his head, making sure to leave front of his curls out there in the open.  
"I saw it in the hallway."  
Robbe smiled, when he remembered that he left it in the kitchen.  
Sander's mom must have left it there for Sander to find.  
He chuckled before he kissed Sander one more time. 

They were walking down the street, Robbe had no idea where they were going, nor did he care. His arm was on Sander's waist, trying to get the boy closer to him.  
It wasn't possible, they were already glued to each others bodies.  
They turned somewhere, where they were completely alone on the whole street, there was one bar at the end of the street and the music was even hearable from where they were standing.  
When Robbe suddenly span Sander around to face him.  
"Come on. Dance with me.” he smiled, taking his hand.  
Sander gave him a small smile.  
“As much as I'd love nothing more, I don’t dance."  
"Ever?"  
"Ever."  
“But I want to dance with you.” Robbe said intertwining his fingers with his.  
“One dance. It’s a slow song, you don’t have to do anything else but hold me close thats all. It will be like a hug with music. Also, have you met me? I don't take no for an answer. And I know that I'll be very upset if you refuse my offer and I won't let you take me whenever you are taking me."  
A small smile spread across his face seeing their hands intertwined together.  
“Just one.” Robbe pouted.  
“You are so cute when you do that.” he pinched his cheeks. “But it’s still a no.”  
Robbe continued giving him the pouty face adding puppy dog eyes too. Sander closed his eyes for a moment and a second later he put his hands around Robbe, seeing his smile get wider making him smile too just like always.  
“How is it that you always get what you want?” he wondered, placing his hand on his lower back pushing him until they were in the middle of an empty street. Robbe turned around hooking his hands around his neck while Sander's hands found their way on his waist and he pulled him close.  
“See, that’s nice, isn’t it ?” he smiled at him and Sander pulled him even closer resting his forehead on his.  
“I love slow songs -”  
“You do? Why?” he asked curious.  
“Because of this. Being able to be this close to you.”  
A smile spread across his face at his words and he felt his heart skip a beat. Sander loved seeing him smile, hearing his laugh – it always made him happy beyond compare, which was a really nice thing considering everything he had been through in his life. There had been so much pain and darkness until he had shown up. Now there were more than one flickers of light.  
All because of Robbe.

For a while they danced to the slow song until another song started to play. Robbe thought he’d pull away since it had been ‘just one’ dance, instead he pulled him closer unable to make himself let go off him and they continued dancing, laughing and having fun.  
It was always like this when it was the two of them - somehow the world around them always disappeared and it was just them.  
Everything was perfect, more than perfect actually.  
"Look at me. Just look at me." Robbe mouthed cupping his face. Sander closed his eyes for a moment and focused on him.  
But then his breathing got rapid, he let Robbe go and turned around, hiding his face in his hands, letting a shakily sigh out. He sat down on the sidewalk. Robbe carefully went up to him and sat next to him, glancing up at the sky for a second before turning towards him. Usually, this alley must have been pitch black but because it was almost full moon, it was quite bright for night time. He placed his hand on his shoulder but he moved away from him, letting his hand hanging in the air. When he turned towards him, his eyes were a little watery and there was pain, confusion and –  
“I am tired of this.” he said suddenly.  
“Tired of what?”  
“Everything. I'm having a great time and all of a sudden I get this pain in my chest telling me to crawl up in the dark and never get out. All my life everyone has been telling me who I am, who I should be and I am tired of it. All of it. It’s my life. I am the one who chooses who to be. And even I am against my happiness. I can't even trust myself for that.”  
Robbe wound his hands around his knees looking straight ahead, watching some dog trying to catch a cat hiding behind the dumpster while he tried to find what to say to him. Sander looked nervous, upset.  
"I’m sorry, I – It’s just, there are so many things I have been keeping in and I am tired of bottling it all. It literally makes me feel like I am choking and if I don’t get out every single word going through my head - ” Robbe wrapped his hands around him, waiting patiently to hear him continue, wanting to help him, needing to be there for him.  
Not for just Sander but for his sake too.  
"Do you maybe want to go home?"  
"No. I promised you I'd take you somewhere special and I won't forgive myself if I mess it up because of my stupid head."  
"Hey. Hey. Hey! Stop that!" Robbe put Sander's face between his palms and looked deep into his eyes.  
"There is only one special place where I can be and it's beside you. You can take me there some other times."  
Sander was spinning his head side to side.  
"No, I-I -"  
"Please, Sander! Maybe we should go to your place. I mean we could go to mine too but my mom is at home and - "  
"No, lets go to mine."

Robbe doesn't remember how he and Sander went to his house but he was very surprised to find it empty.  
They took of their shoes and when Robbe was about to walk in Sander's room, the older boy stopped him before his hand could reach the handle.  
"Umm. Let's sit in the living room."  
"Okay."  
Sander literally dragged Robbe out of the hallway and made him sit on the couch while he left to go to the bathroom. 

The brunet was beyond words nervous, about Sander.  
He didn't know what he was gonna say or ask.  
He had all his questions figured out before, but now his thoughts were all over the place.  
He had all the things he wanted to know, but wasn't sure how to tell Sander them and not seem like a total jackass and jealous maniac.  
"Do you want something to drink?" Robbe didn't notice when Sander came back.  
"Since when do you drink?"  
It isn't good for your health and you know it.  
"Just a few days."  
So, Michael made you started drinking.  
As if Robbe needed another reason to hate the guy.

No, hate was a strong word.  
He just didn't like him at all.

"What do you have?"  
"Huh?"  
"To drink?"  
"Ohh, let me see." He went to the kitchen and opened two cupboards before he found the bottles from the one, on the left side of the fridge.  
"We have beer, whisky, vodka and scotch." He smiled at Robbe and tried to pick every bottle in his hands at the same time.  
"Which one are you going to have?"  
"I'm thinking about whisky?"  
"Okay. Pour that for me too."

Robbe didn't want to get drunk, but he knew he couldn't do and ask him about Michael if he was sober, so he decided to have just a little.  
Sander came back with the drinks in his hand. He gave one to Robbe and sat down in front of him on the other couch.  
Robbe sipped some of it, made a face because of this strong taste, which made Sander laugh, put the glass down on the coffee table, got up, went to Sander's side and sat on his legs, with his knees on each side of side of his thighs.  
Sander was still holding his drink and he almost slipped it all over his shirt, when Robbe put his arms around his shoulders and nibbled on his neck, making him moan.  
"I'm doing everything in my power, not to rip off your clothes with my teeth because first I want you to tell me what's been going on in your pretty head." Robbe whispered against his skin, while he was scratching the skin, making a bruise on his now faded one. 

He already had some faded hickeys and that moment Robbe didn't mind them a second thought. 

"Are you sure you want to hear it?" The tone in Sander's voice was kind of nervous and warning, which made Robbe feel anxious.  
"I want to hear everything you will let me to hear, and more than that." He stopped kissing his neck and looked deep into the green eyes, burning holes in them, begging them to say anything.  
"Please. I need to know. It's killing me, Sander." He whimpered and Sander embraced him when he noticed that Robbe's voice started shaking.  
"I'm such a horrible person, making you cry and worry. I don't deserve you." He heard Sander'a mutter against his skin, making all of his hair go up.  
"Don't say that. Its me who don't deserve you. I don't want to talk about that right now. Please, tell me what's been worrying you so much. Please, I want to help."  
“I care about you Sander, you know that. I’ll die without you next to me.” Robbe said and lifted up his chin.  
“I can’t lose you. You are the best thing that’s ever happened in my life. And I know that thing is eating you alive and I want to help, you need to let me in.”  
“That’s — thats sweet but-”  
“I am in love with you Sander.” said Robbe, gazing lovingly into his eyes.  
“I love you. I never even knew there were that many emotions that someone could make me feel. When I was having a rough time you are the only person who stood by me and defended me through it all -”  
“Robbe, stop! Don’t -”  
“You are my light in the darkness and without you I’ll be so lost. Haven't I proved it yet? I love you, Sander…” said Robbe, cupping his face.  
“I will always love you and be by your side. I will never leave.”  
Sander's eyes had started to water and tears started streaming down his cheeks again. Why was he crying ? His emotions were on complete overdrive, even more so after hearing what Robbe had said to him.  
Robbe was looking at him with heart eyes and there was a hint of sadness but the love part dominated in them.  
A smile tugged at the corners of Sander's mouth - he wasn’t alone, his Robin would be there with him.  
He loved him.

Sander leaned in towards him, wrapping his arms around his shoulders, hearing him sigh in relief seconds before his hands wrapped around him. Robbe held onto him tightly and helped him lay down on the couch covering him with a blanket, his heart was beating faster than ever. Sander closed his eyes for a moment, feeling another tear roll down his cheek and he quickly wiped it away, feeling embarrassed, before looking at Robbe with a hint of a smile on his face.  
Robbe was at a loss for words, he kept trying to think of something to say or something to do that will make his boy smile even for a second and forget everything but nothing popped in his mind.  
Part of him somehow knew that it will take Sander a while before he finally opens up for him about the thing that make him feel this way. Sander has told him everything that has happened in his life, it didn't matter how horrible or dark his past was, he told them to Robbe, but now he was trembling with fear.  
What was it and how painful should that have been so that Sander couldn't even talk about it?  
But he was willing to wait, however long it takes.  
“You don’t have - I know you must - I just – ” he sighed.  
Sander hadn’t taken his eyes off him the past few minutes, his hand reached for his and he gave it a light squeeze.  
Robbe looked at their hands intertwined together and his heart stopped for a second.  
“You know what. I’m not - I’m not going to talk.” he sighed.  
“Is - is there something you need?”  
“Just be here with me.” he said quietly.  
“Oh-kay .. come here.” he said, sitting on the couch next to him pulling him into his embrace. He pulled the blanket up so it covered his back, wrapping his arms around him, rubbing soft circles on his back hearing him breathing calm down and the sobs melt away.   
He didn’t know what to do, but his actions seemed to calm Sander down and he kept it up. Sander rested his hands on his chest using him as a pillow while Robbe stroked his hair.  
The brunet kissed his forehead for a moment, making his mouth turning slightly up.  
They cuddled for a while sitting in silence and just enjoying each other’s presence. Somehow they found a way to snuggle even closer.  
“This is nice.” Sander whispered.  
“Yeah?” he asked with a small smile, tightening his embrace.  
“Mmmhmm…”  
“Do - do you need anything else ?”  
Sander hummed a ‘nah-uh’.  
“Thank you. You always know what I need even when I don't have any idea.” He said pulling his self up until their eyes were on the same level. Sander placed his hand on his chest and kissed him gently for a moment slowly moving his hand towards his cheek. “I um - I know I made you wait quite a while b-before saying something and I –”  
“No , no I - I get it.” he said with a small smile on his face, brushing his thumb against his cheek.  
“You need time. I can wait. I’ve been waiting for you my whole life, what’s a few more days or a week - It won’t be a month would it?”  
Sander laughed under his breath.  
“How about 5 seconds ?”  
He pressed his lips against Robbe's, kissing him deeply while he pulled him towards him, not wanting to let go.  
Robbe could still hear his laugh, see his smile and kissing him him so happy but what made him even happier is that there were no traces of tears in his eyes and the sad heartbroken boy he had seen just a few moments ago was replaced by real Sander.  
His Sander.

“You are smiling.” he said almost grinning at him.  
"I love that smile.” Robbe whispered.  
“How can I not? You make me happy.” Sander grinned at him. 

“Would you let me make love to you?”  
“Are you sure?”  
“Yes.”  
“Okay... If you’re sure, I’d be happy to. Always. Let me know... If -“  
He was cut off by a kiss, chaste and lingering.  
“Yes. I’m sure, if you’d have me.”  
Sander smiled at Robbe's sharp inhale, the way his body looked more tense, and the desire in his dark eyes.  
Effortlessly, Sander rose, getting on top of him, placing him down slowly and kissing his lips as if they had all the time in the world.  
“You let me know if you’re uncomfortable with this, right?” Seeing his affirmative nod, He dipped his head down and deepened the kiss.  
Robbe felt that he was floating, he had missed this. His legs wrapped around his lover’s hips and pulled pulled them closer together so that each movement made them grind against each other. Sander growled, pushing his hips down roughly while his lips still planted the softest kisses along Robbe's collarbone.  
As if each kiss was an apology and an “I love you.”  
Robbe whimpered, tossing his head back and digging fingers in his hair, urging him for more. “Impatient.” Sander mumbled against his throat, nipping gently. His hand found their way under the white sweater to roam his hands on his chest and stomach making him shudder and squirm.  
Fingers pinched and pulled at his sensitive nipples until they were hard and even the soft material of the sweater felt rough against them.  
Slowly, Sander took the sweater off, his lips teasing every inch of skin that was revealed until the clothing was tossed to a corner of the room.  
“You’re so beautiful, Robin. I’m so lucky.”  
The younger boy felt a blush warm up his entire body as he turned to look away.  
“I want to see you... Can you take off your shirt?”  
“Your wish is my command.” laughed Sander, quickly disposing his shirt, revealing a torso that made Robbe weak. He lifted his hip to grind harder against him.  
“Fuck. You can’t do that.” Sander's lips covered Robbe's as he drove his hips forward firmly, again and again, drinking in his moans and muffled screams.  
His fingernails dig into Sander's back as their hips met and ground against each other.  
“Don’t tease me, please, please... I want… ”  
Sander hummed and pulled away from their kiss and planted more soft kisses down Robbe's sternum and lower until he reached the hem of his pants.  
Meeting his eyes, Sander ran the tip of his tongue over the zipper of his jeans, pulling it down with his teeth.  
“So hard already… ” he murmured, making his lover cover his face with his hands.  
“Sander!"  
“Sorry, sorry, it’s so easy to fluster you.” He answered, not sorry at all as he mouthed over the bulge while he quickly unbuttoned the jeans and them down with the boxers underneath. Robbe gasped into his arm when the warm tip of tongue teased over the head of his cock. He thrusted his hips up, desperate for more, only to be stopped by firm hands, pressing him on the mattresses while the boy on top of him slowly took the cock into his mouth, bobbing his head and rubbing his tongue along the thick vein underneath it.  
Robbe couldn’t look away, his hands grabbed for Sander's hair, tugging and stroking it.  
“More, more, please! I’m so close... please, please, p-please don’t stop!”  
And at the exact moment, Sander stopped, Robbe didn't realized that his pleasure was so rudely denied and when he opened his mouth to say something else, Sander wrapped an arm around his neck and pulled him down before he could and pressed their lips together. And it was sloppy at first, messy, their lips crushed together too hard, and Sander was moist, his mouth wet, he could tease himself on his lips, but he moaned in pleasure anyway and kissed him back. He worked his lips and tongue until they were in sync, mouths brushing, opening, tongues curling, and then again, over and over again.  
For a long, long time, until they were actually panting for breath, breath they needed now, and they pressed their foreheads together.  
Robbe took a second to get control of himself and the arousal his dick had been reminded of.  
"Okay," he panted against his lips.  
"Okay. Make love to me you stupid perfect idiot."  
Sander huffed a laugh and kissed him, then buried his face in his neck and wrapped him in his arms and held him. Robbe returned the hug, until Sander kissed his neck and pulled back.  
"Okay," his voice quavered just slightly and his eyes glistened, but he was smiling again, that small little beautiful smile, and Robbe loved him.  
Too fucking much.

"Turn over for me," Sander prodded gently.  
"On-On my stomach?" he said, asking more than just how to turn. He nodded. But before Robbe had time to move Sander blurted out:  
"Do you know how perfect you are?" Robbe's heart skipped a beat when he heard those words leaving Sander's mouth, with a whisper that made goosebumps apear all over his body.  
"N-no.." Robbe choked on his words, Sander started slowly moving to his neck, pressing a kiss here and there, breathing him in.  
"You're pure perfection." He said against his skin, moving up to Robbe's lips, shadowing over them with his own.  
"So beautiful, that every living creature should be jealous." He gently pressed their lips together just for a second, before he looked in his eyes.  
"Every part of your body is perfectly shaped." He was whispering, while Robbe was looking into those eyes, that sparckled so bright for the first time. He was trying to say something, anything but the admiration in Sander's voice made him forget everything, he could just feel his lips on his forehead.  
"Your forehead..." he kissed it, moving to press the most gentle kiss on his eyelids.  
"Your eyes..." Moving to his nose pressing his lips there.  
"Your nose..." He kissed his cheeks as well.  
"Your cheeks... All so beautiful."  
Robbe was waiting for the moment when he will move to his lips, but that didn't happen, he missed them moving down to his neck, colarbones.  
Maybe the older boy forgot his lips?  
He moved to his chest and stomach, with ever pressed kiss he said how much he admired, that particular place.  
Sander took one of his hands, kissing the back of his palm.  
"Your hands, so gentle and fragile, oh how I love your hands.." Then he moved upwards looking at him, into his eyes again. Robbe thought that he will suffocate because of this new intimacy, of all this care and love that was pouring out of Sander's every move and touch. It seemed all so unreal, like a dream that Robbe didn't want to wake up from.  
"And the most, beautiful part, the most perfect part is..." He was still looking at him and his eyes moved to his lips, as he whispered.  
"Your lips" And he kissed him, Robbe knew that it was going to be a gentle kiss like all the other and he wanted that.  
No, he needed that, more than he ever expected.  
Robbe tightly wrapped his arms and legs around Sander's body, deepening the kiss, because he didn't want this to go away, he didn't want to lose the tenderness that he showed him.  
Robbe felt the boy chukling in the kiss. Sander moved away and Robbe say that his eyes, which were looking at him didn't change, that spark was still there, only a playful smile was on his face. Robbe eased a bit when Sander moved to his neck and continued placing gentle kisses with cute hums of admiration in between, instead of the vicious hickeys that Sander used to make all the time.  
"I love you, Robbe IJzermans and all of your perfection."  
Robbe couldn't answer, couldn't talk, couldn't do anything.  
He kissed him hungrily, trying to put his every emotion in this sweet, soft and simple movement.  
"I don't know what I did to deserve you." He chocked back.  
"I love you so much. I-I'm losing my mind. J-j-just have me. Please. Just touch me."

And Sander wasted no time. 

He didn't remember it could feel this way, and it was good. Sander was taking his time, and it was... it was somewhere between heaven and hell.  
A shock of pleasure ripped through Robbe, and he cried into the mattress, his wet sounds muffled in cotton as his thighs trembled in surprise.  
"Robbe." He heard, and it was part groan and part beg. 

Sander was right there with him.  
"Need you, San, come on."  
Those lips returned to his instantly.  
"Soon," a thick, sexy voice murmured right into his skin.  
Robbe gasped and whined. 

He needed him, needed to feel him inside.  
"B-baby, please, please..."  
He moaned. "N-need more, n-need you inside."  
"You're ready?" Sander asked him, his voice thicker, heavier than usual, practically dripping with arousal.  
God, Robbe loved his fucking voice.  
"Fucking, yes." he breathed. "R-Really ready."  
Sander hummed and kissed his neck. His hands drifted over Robbe's chest. His lips moved across his shoulderblades, and Sander didn't know how he could kiss him so lazily when they were both trembling with need. But he held him like that for a minute, wrapped all around Robbe in every way possible.  
"I love you, Sander."  
There was a second when the older boy stopped moving, his roaming hands frozen on his stomach. And then his arms tightened around him and there was this sound like a choked off sob. The hands on his stomach seemed suddenly shaky so Robbe turned his head up and Sander was there, kissing him and he shoved everything he had into that kiss anyway and Robbe kissed him back just as hard.  
"I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. Because - because - " And, god, where to begin?  
There were so many reasons, too many reasons and Robbe couldn't think as Sander fucked him.  
Or didn't fuck him, but sent splintering shocks of pleasure through his body with every movement.  
"Because you're you." he gasped. "And, god, W-Why did you have to be such a fucking tease?  
"Couldn't help myself." Sander kissed him happily.  
"Sorry." And then he pushed forward, hard, he was inside of him. Robbe was trying very hard to breath, his head was rolled back on the pillow.  
His hands fisted the blankets, the only thing he could grab hold of as Sander anchored himself to him.  
Robbe was making this high pitched, needy sound, saying Sander's name all over again and again while Sander choked and trembled above him, biting and licking and sucking a mark into Robbe's skin.  
A choked sound drew him from his reeling, and he blinked open his eyes and looked back at Sander. His heart flipped in his chest because he was looking at him like -  
His eyes were bright, his face slightly flushed but not from sex, his lips were red, and a tear slipped down his cheek.  
"Sander?" Robbe croaked.  
"I'm sorry." his angel shook his head, as if at himself.  
"It just Y-You feel so perfect, I - " he broke off and gave a shallow, shallow thrust, like he couldn't help himself, and a sob leaked past his lips.  
"I love you." Robbe whispered, his throat thick, his heart thumping.  
"God, I love you."  
"I love you too." Sander rasped in reply.  
Robbe sucked in a breath, blinking rapidly.  
"Come on." he said. "Show me."  
With a breath and nod he bent over to Robbe again and kissed up his chest.  
Robbe's lungs with every thrust before he started moving with any sort of rhythm. He chanted his name, ending on a whine every time Sander's dick punched into him again. And he couldn't help but imagine what he must look like, all hot, sweaty, shaking from pleasure, sucking for an air. Warm salt and tang filled his mouth and he only then realized he had bitten his lip hard enough to make it bleed yet, it still wasn't enough to hold in the erotic sounds he was making.  
"I'm-I'm c-cloose. T-Touch me. Please." he whined, because fuck, he wasn't above begging when his body was wrapped up with heat and rippling with pleasure, and Sander groaned against the mark he was making.  
"Come, Robbe." Sander growled, and the sound of his voice, so deep and commanding intensified Robbe's pleasure, and he was so close, just another thrust, another roll of his hips, another stroke of his perfect calloused hands, and Robbe came. Pleasure rollicked through him, centering on his groin and spasming out to every inch of his body. His arms trembled with it, his toes curled, and he cried brokenly.  
A shudder cracked through him, his stomach tense, his body still reeling as Sander groaned. His thrusts lost their rhythm.  
Then he fell over Robbe's body, heavy and gasping for breath as little breaths worked through them both.  
"Oh, boy!" he sighed.  
"Yeah." Sander agreed.

Laying on the blanket, on the floor, naked with Sander by his side, Robbe felt the most vulnerable he's ever felt in his whole life. Sander was laying on his chest, playing with his hair, having his eyes closed, enjoying the peaceful moment.  
Robbe could see his silenced phone blowing up from the other side of the room when Sander left it on the counter.  
It didn't stop.  
He was glad that Sander didn't see them. He'd be destroyed if Sander left him right now to answer his phone.  
Robbe knew exactly who was texting him.  
But he decided that thinking about him now was really not a great idea.  
Besides, he had Sander in his arms.  
He really needed to know what was really going on with him, so he finally decided to ask, whisper:  
"Will you tell me?"  
It was such a simple question, one might not even realize what it was implying to, but of course Sander knew. He understood it.  
"I'm scared." After awhile of silence, when Robbe was sure that he wouldn't get any words of out Sander's mouth, the white headed boy confessed.  
"Scared of my reaction?" Robbe needed to chose words carefully and wisely. He didn't want to say something that would make Sander shut him off again.  
"No. Scared of mine."

That really made Robbe's eyes go wide.  
He didn't know what to say. Sander was scared of saying something and the reactions he will have after that? 

Robbe chocked out the next words:  
"What do you even mean by that?"  
Sander breathed out so loudly, that Robbe felt hot air hitting his chest and making all of his hair stood up. Robbe was sure that his question made Sander decide not to say anything about it.  
But he was wrong, after a while Sander started talking.  
"I want to tell you. I swear, Robbe. Actually, N-No. I need to tell you. It's just that - " He paused, making Robbe pull him even closer, snuggling up to him, breathing his skin.  
"I don't want to remember it. What happened, what I could have done differently - "  
"It's okay if you don't want to say it." Robbe hoped that Sander would just shrug him off and continue.  
Since now that he already starting talking, if he won't finish, Robbe wouldn't be able to continue living with knowing that Sander was having a hard time about something, and he got so close to figuring it out.  
"I want to, Robbe. I want it so bad. But for that to happen, I have to relive everything again and I don't think I'm ready for that." His voice started shaking, his eyes watering and he cling to Robbe, feeling like, if he lets go, Robbe will disappear and he will never see him again.  
"Please, Sander. Seeing you hurt is hurting me. I don't know what is going on and I want to help you. I love you, please. Just tell me. I'm not judging you, whatever you say, and I hope you know that. Please, let me help, let me in, San." He felt Sander's nod on his chest.  
Robbe wasn't ready for what was about to come.  
He wasn't and he knew that.  
He just hope that it wouldn't be as painful as he imagined it.

He was wrong.  
It was even more painful.

"Back when I was in the first year of high school, I had the best friend, who I couldn't live without. His name was Cole and we were extremely close. The kind of close, when you know everything going on in their lives, in their relative's lives. He was there for me when I learnt about my disorder and he helped me keep my sanity. I didn't have the best relationship with my parent back there, you know as it always happens, in that age. So all I had, was him.  
He was my rock and he was my happiness. Probably that's the first time I realized I liked boys but I didn't know that back then.  
We were just friends.  
Best friends and he was like a brother to me.  
He was everything actually.  
As what one might call "my person."  
He had horrible relationship with his parents. They were always talking shit about him, not giving a damn if he came back home or just slept on the streets. They were always so strict and distant for their own son. He was miserable, but I always thought that he was exaggerating the situation, but I have never been more wrong in my whole life.  
I was so caught up with finding out about my bipolar, taking meds, speaking to therapists that I didn't notice him struggling. And after all this time, he was there for me for everything I needed.  
And I couldn't answer his the same way. I-I - " Sander started crying, he broke down. Robbe tried to calm him down, but there was no use.  
He was saying some sweet and reassuring things in his ear. He couldn't do anything more for Sander than that.

"I couldn't help him. I couldn't help him. I tried. But I was too late. He - he. It's was my fault. Only if I could listen to him once. If only I talked to him before. I'd have - I'd have make him stop. I'd - " He was shaking so hard, Robbe got scared.  
Sander couldn't breath.  
"Hey. Hey! Stop! Listen to me!" Robbe made him turn around and look at him, placing his palms on his face.  
"Breath with me now, okay?"  
When Sander didn't answer, he shook him a little.  
"Come on, now! Listen to my breathing, okay?" He felt Sander barely nodded, that was enough.  
He started breathing with him, slowly, carefully.

When he calmed down, he put his head back on Robbe's chest.  
As much as Robbe loved what he had Sander's head right here, under his neck, he didn't like the position right now, Sander was hiding himself and that was the last thing they both needed.  
Robbe thought he sucked every emotion out of the boy and he wouldn't say anything else. 

It wasn't important, Robbe got the meaning behind it.  
And he realized.  
How could he been so blind?  
How could he was that jealous so he didn't notice it? 

"He left a note, as if it would make everything better."  
He was so lost in his thoughts, that he barely head him.  
What did he say?  
He wanted to ask.  
But he didn't.

Robbe will know what Cole said in his last note in the future and he'll be glad that he didn't found out about it sooner. 

Robbe tried everything to not make Sander's attention go for even one second. He tried distracting him, so Sander wouldn't get to his phone.  
And he succeeded for a while.

"Get dressed!"  
"Why?"  
"We're going out!"  
"To where?"  
"You will see!"  
"Is it that secret place you wanted to take me earlier?"  
"No, no. But it's nearly as good."  
"Okay."

He started walking and before Robbe realized, he went up to get his phone.  
"Sander! Sander, wait!"  
It was too late.  
He had already picked it up.  
Robbe's night would be ruined, he would make him leave now.

Everything that happened today, would be thrown in the water. 

Robbe was already getting ready to hear Sander's apologize and watch him walk away. 

"Oh, shit!"  
"W-what?"  
"It's dead. I'm gonna leave it here." He turned around to look at surprised Robbe.

"Why aren't you getting dressed?"  
"You're for sure?"  
"Yeah, of course. Put your clothes on now."

When Robbe realized where they were going, he felt blush creeping up on his whole face. 

That night has been the most magical, most beautiful and the most amazing.  
Sander went up to the stairs.  
He felt deja vu, but he remembered the time, the moment which happened exactly like it was happening now. 

But something didn't feel right.  
He was going up the stairs and he bumped into Sander.  
"Umm. Robbe?" He laughed nervously.  
"Yeah?"  
"I don't think we can get in."  
"Huh?"  
"No. No. Wait a second." He heard Sander struggled with the lock.  
"Wait, wait. I-I can open it." He tried to push the door and handle the lock at the same time, but when it didn't work he let out a big sigh.  
"Dammit. I swear! I'll get it, wait."  
Robbe started giggling nonstop.  
"Why don't you just open, you piece of shit. Dammit!"  
Robbe threw his head back and laughed. His laughter was filling up the whole hall.  
"Why god, why? Only when I wanted to be romantic, you had to change the locks!"

He banged his feet on the door and cringed at the loud sound.  
He turned around slowly to face Robbe, who was laughing so hard, his cheeks were bright red.  
Sander's dimples appeared when he joined Robbe's laughter.  
"It's isn't our lucky day, I guess." Sander whispered against his mouth, kissing him, breathing agains his nose, making Robbe feel so much in just one second.  
"No. It is the best lucky day I could ask for." He wrapped his arms around Sander, pulling him agains his chest, closing his eyes and just enjoying having him here by his side.  
"What do you mean? I couldn't get you inside."  
"You didn't have to. I already have everything I need outside of that door."

"What time is it?"  
"05:09."  
"Really?"  
"Yeah. Do you want to go home?"  
"No. You?"  
"I only want to be wherever you are." 

Everything was going great.  
So great that Robbe was waiting something bad to happen.  
There was comfortable silence between them and finally Robbe could think.  
There were too many thoughts running in his mind, as always. 

He figured out what was troubling Sander, but he still wasn't sure how that could add up to the things going on in the present time.  
But he would get that later.  
The time would come when he'd understand everything. 

He knew Sander felt guilty. Robbe has no idea what was going on in Michael's life but it must be something so bad, and Sander was fighting with his inner demons, trying to not make the same mistake again. 

But he didn't understand that, what Cole did, wasn't his fault. 

Robbe would need a lot of time to make Sander realize it, but he would.  
Michael's situations must be reminding him of his past and he didn't know how to make everything better for Sander.

Sander needs to talk to Robbe.  
Today was the first step. 

He would make Sander open up to him more.  
Both of them needed that. 

"What are you thinking about?" He head a quiet whisper.  
"You."  
"Huh. I'm so lucky!"  
No, the lucky one was Robbe here. 

Robbe didn't even notice when his phone lit up.  
He didn't noticed that unknown number texted him.  
He didn't notice the message that said: "It must sounds so weird, but is Sander with you?"  
And after a few minutes, someone added: "It's Michael."

Robbe didn't notice that for a very long time.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little shorter than usual. But I will try to make chapter 6 longer to satisfy all your needs. Also I really want to hear your opinions about Michael and the situation in general. Have fun!

Feeling extremely nervous, Robbe couldn't shake the thought that something horrible was about to happen.  
Sitting by the table, with untouched coffee getting cold, wind screaming from the windows, his leg going up and down, hands shaking and eyes twitching every time someone moved in the cafe and looking at the door in every five seconds, he felt anxious.  
Michale wasn't late at all. He had 15 minutes before he was supposed to be here.  
Only Robbe was early, extremely early because he couldn't stay still at home, watching the clock ticking.  
Well, he wasn't sitting still right now too.

He was desperate for answers, for explanations, for anything.  
And he felt horrible that he was doing all this behind Sander's back. 

Michael asked him to meet him here at 15:00. He didn't know why but he was about to find out.  
Sander and he went back at his place around 8 in the morning, they spent the whole night walking and talking and Robbe hasn't felt that happy for a very long time.  
Spending time with him was just gluing his cracked heart's pieces together.  
Sander made him feel whole again.

By the time he saw the text massage, every delighting thought just completely disappeared, he felt fear crawling up to his back.  
His confused, terrified brown eyes were unfocused. All he managed to text back was: "yeah, why?" 

Sander kept asking him what was wrong but he didn't know what to say, so he blurted out something about his mom and just went home as soon as possible.  
Not before Sander literally sucked life out of him from the kissing, as if he had any life left in his body.  
Answer came back sooner than he expected and Michael asked him if they could meet up, for what reason, Robbe didn't know and as much as he wanted to find out, now he was having some doubts. 

Could he handle whatever Michael wanted to tell him?  
Could he handle seeing Michael again, now in front of him and his attention fully on Robbe?  
He wouldn't handle it. 

He knew.

His phone lit up and he wasn't sure if he was relieved to see Sander's name or more terrified.

Sander:  
14:48  
"How is your mom?"

No. He definitely felt more terrible, not only he was lying about his mom but he was meeting up with Michael.  
It felt like betraying Sander with, possible the worst way ever. 

The door finally opened and when Robbe looked up, his breath got caught in his throat.  
He had black leather jacket on with a white t shirt underneath it, his hair was messy and but still suited him so well. He looked paler that the last time he saw him, but still pretty. 

Oh, so pretty and perfect. 

He just wanted to vanish and never come back, because seeing that kind of beauty in front of his eyes was making him questioning everything and he truly believed that he would lose Sander to this guy. 

Michael saw him as soon as he walked in and he started coming to his table. Robbe felt his heart beating increased. He wondered if anyone in the room  
could hear it.  
He definitely wasn't sure about this now.  
"Hey." He sat down, in front of Robbe, giving him the cheesiest smile of all, showing off his double dimples, bowing his head down just a little bit.

Robbe couldn't help but pay attention to all those little things.  
"H-hi. How are you?"  
"I'm alright. You must be wondering why I ask you to meet me."  
He took off his jacket and hang it on the chair behind him.  
"Yeah actually. But first I want to know how you got my number?"  
"That's doesn't matter right now."  
Umm, yes it does. 

For a moment, Robbe felt that Michael was as nervous as him, but that probably wasn't true at all. He imagined Michael to be confident, outgoing, hilarious, and just "make everyone's day brighter" kind of guy. 

Well, Sander thinks like that at least.  
Sander liked him a lot, that's why he hang out with him all the time and he loved Sander's taste in literally everything. 

The boy has such an aesthetic vibe with him, it was unreal.  
He was siting too close to Robbe, and he was able to see his whole face up close, Michael's nose was perfectly shaped, he had the nose people called "Greek," his eyebrows were nicely plucked out but still looked so natural, his eyes were shining and Robbe hasn't seen lips that kind of red before in his whole life. His eyes trailed down to his jawline, perfectly shaped, his neck which had a few faded hickeys, that made Robbe swallow. 

They remind him of the bites he saw Sander had on his neck.

He couldn't think about that.

But he did. 

He saw it before he could even control it.  
He saw Sander's lips attached to Michael's neck, his tongue doing things it does, which Sander knows Robbe adores.  
The hands going up and down on Michael's chest, just like he does to Robbe.  
He wondered what kind of noise Michael'd make, would it be just a moan or desperate whimper?

Robbe didn't have a lot of partners in the past.  
Sander was his first and only. But even with that, he knew that Sander was good with his hands, with his tongue, he knew what to do, and when to do it, how to use his body.  
Sometimes Robbe was jealous of that feature, since he was never able to move himself like Sander does, he was never able to turn Sander on as much as Sander turns him on.  
And it didn't matter how many times Sander argued with that, Robbe still didn't believe him.  
It was one of his insecurities, as if he needed another one. 

Michael would be as good as Sander was, he was sure of it.  
He had the looks, and his body was perfect. Robbe was sure that Michael would be able to excite and arouse Sander as soon as he wanted to, as soon as he'd walk into the room.

He couldn't help but imagine two of them on the bed, or on the couch, or in the streets.  
Would Sander pin him against the wall, as he does that to Robbe?  
Would Michale let out that sweet and impatient sound like Robbe?  
Would their hands go roaming and never stop?  
Would Sander bite Michael's lips down as hard as he could and slip his tongue in his mouth?  
Would Michael moan out his name every time he touched him?  
Would Michael wrap his arms around him, embrace him so tingly as if he was afraid of letting him go?  
Would Michael cry every night with the though of losing Sander surfing through his mind?

Would Sander choose him and love him more?  
Would Sander just leave Robbe behind?

Would he?

Could he? 

Robbe thought that he got over those horrible thoughts but they were still continuing to torture him. 

"I brought you here since I know that you and Sander are kind of close?" 

Kind of close?  
I still have his taste in my mouth, do you think that's just "kind of close?"

"Yeah, I-I guess so. Did something happen with him that you wanted to talk to me about?"  
Robbe needed to ask his questions sagely, he didn't dare asking much more than that yet.  
"Not specifically, but I wanted to know how he was doing actually. He hasn't been answering his phone for two days now, and I got worried, I went to his house yesterday but he wasn't there. Nobody was so I figured that he'd be with you."  
"Yeah, he was with me."  
The whole night.

Robbe looked at his hazel green eyes challengingly, all his insecurities and nervousness just stuffed in this one, strong, deadly look that made Michael put his head down while Robbe felt victorious.  
"Yeah. I just felt worried."  
"He doesn't have to be by your side every other day, you know?" Robbe, feeling this sudden confidence and not wanting to just spend it away, dared to ask.  
"I know that. What makes you think that he's always by my side?" Michael looked completely confused by the question and Robbe almost stopped himself for asking more.  
"Because he never stops talking about you!" His voice got a little higher and a few people turned their heads to look at them.  
"What does that suppose to mean?" Michael's question only made Robbe angrier.  
"He never shuts up about you and how he wants to help you. And let me tell you something, I tried really hard to understand what's been going on in his head, and just because it's not his problems he apparently has to solve, he won't tell me anything. He wants to be there for you and I totally respect that, but it's making it hard for him, Michael!"  
Michael was quiet for too long to Robbe's liking so he felt like he needed to continue to make the boy see his point.

He started talking and he couldn't stop until he was done with his speech.

"Sander is an amazing person. He takes everyone's advice and words too closely to his heart. You might look at him a little weirdly and he will think about it for the next few days nonstop.  
And I don't know if you know about this and it's absolutely not my right to tell you, but Sander is bipolar.  
And it's a little different for him, everything I mean.  
Everything is different for him. But that doesn't make him any less of a man, no, it makes him more sweet and kind and just perfect. That also means that he thinks differently, has some dark and sad past, and whatever is going on in your life, is making him feel worse and worse and he's trying to get you out of your own mess, but by doing that, he's hurting himself and as much as I don't want to put my nose in his selfless actions, I need to make sure he's okay, because he's my b-b, Umm, he's my friend and I love him so much. So I'm just gonna tell you only thing, get your shit together, man!"  
When he finished, he was breathing heavily.  
He was ready for anything, Michael to start arguing with him, start defending himself, he was even ready for yelling, but he was anything but ready when Michael said his next words.  
"He told me you two are together, you don't have to hide it anymore!"

Did Robbe imagined it or was Michael angry about that?  
He wasn't sure.  
Was he upset, betrayed?  
Was he jealous?  
He had no idea.

"Oh. Well that's not the point now."  
Yes, Robbe. Good save! 

"And I know he has a bipolar too. And I'm so sorry if I'm making him feel worse, I can't help it. He's just always there, no matter how many time I have to literally kick him out of my house or ignore his calls.  
And I would lie, if I said that I didn't need him. Since having him is the only good thing I have in my life right now.  
You're absolutely right but he won't listen to me when I tell him to go and just take care of his self."  
"Well, he won't listen to me too."  
"Well, then we have a problem."

We.  
Robbe and Michael, going against their beliefs to join each other and help Sander, the person who was such an important part of their lives. 

"Save Sander from himself" club.

Comedy.

"When did he tell you about our relationship?"  
Robbe decided that the whole thing was going rather good yet and he'd ask the questions he needed answers to.  
"Just a while ago. And I had my suspicions about it."  
"Why?"  
"Have you seen his Instagram feed? They are full of your pictures."

Oh! Yeah, that was absolutely right.  
"Has he said something about me? When he - I mean we - when he introduced us, he only said that he - "  
Michael took pity on him and spare him from his stuttered misery.  
"He mentioned you a few time, yes." He chuckles and Robbe couldn't help but think that the older boy was laughing at him.  
"O-okay."  
"How is he doing actually?"  
"Umm, he's quite well, he's taking him meds and he's - " Robbe couldn't finished because Michael interrupted him and he was glad, since he didn't know what to say, believe it or not, he really didn't know how Sander was actually doing.  
"He's a great guy, you should really take care of him. Don't let him get out of your sight."

Was that a threat or?  
Was Michael foreshadow something? 

"Trust me, I won't!" Anyone could see the glare Robbe was shooting couldn't be joked about.  
But in reality Robbe wasn't sure that he could keep Sander with him. 

Robbe couldn't shake the thought that Michael knew something, he didn't. 

"Can you tell me more about yourself. I want to know who my Sander hangs out with. Or would it be weird?"  
My sander.  
Yes.  
He needed to remind Michael that Sander was his and his only.

"What do you want to know?"  
Everything.  
Your every darkest secret.  
"Just stuff in general. How you guys meet and - "  
"Okay, so he didn't tell you and now you want to get it out of me?"

Excuse me? 

"I mean if he didn't tell you, maybe it's not right for you to know?"  
Robbe was losing, he was losing to Michael so bad.  
He didn't even remember the scores, he just know that Michael was destroying him in whatever little horrible game they were playing to win Sander over.  
"Oh god, I'm sorry. I'm very forward and rude to you right now. It's just that I didn't really want to talk to you about  
San and I - "  
Did he just call him "San?"  
Did he just dare to call him that? 

"Why didn't you text me then if you didn't want to talk to me in the first place? It doesn't make any sense and I hope you can see that as clearly as I can. We're just wasting out time here. Let's leave if you have nothing to say anymore.  
You wanted to check up on Sander? I get it. You did, and he's fine. Let's end this whole "getting to know each other" things since we are both clearly not enjoying it. "  
"Because you're always there! He's always with you, spends absolutely every second with you and I want to get to know him better. And I want to get to know someone he's clearly interested in. Just to know his personally better. And I texted you because I wanted to know how he was doing and also I - I - actually no, I don't know why I asked you to meet me. Maybe I just wanted to see who was the person Sander couldn't stop thinking about. What was he like, why does Sander like him that much?"

That made Robbe shut his mouth. Michael wanted to meet Robbe to know who was the person Sander liked.

Okay, but why?  
Was he going to take notes on how Robbe talks or moves to use that to Sander?  
That didn't make sense at all. 

He was beyond words confused.  
Robbe had more questions than ever but now the strongest one was this:  
Was Michael as jealous of Robbe, as Robbe was to him? 

He could see it clearly now.  
He was jealous.

Michael was jealous of the relationship Robbe and Sander had. 

He wasn't sure if he should feel great about that or scared.

"Well you met me, didn't you?"

At the exact moment, as if some little bird told Sander that they were talking about him, Robbe's phone lit up and another message appeared.

Sander:  
15:37  
"Why aren't you answering me?"  
"I'm getting worried."

Michael trailed his eyes to his phone, when Robbe picked it up and started typing.

Robbe:  
15:37  
"She's fine Sander. I'll tell you about it later."  
"I'm sorry for the late reply."  
"Meet me in front of my house in two hour."

Michael knew it was Sander.  
Robbe could see it in his eyes, on his expression. 

Robbe wasn't that sure if it was jealousy anymore.

"I'm sorry. I imagined this whole thing going so differently. I mean I don't even know why I'm here and specially with you. I guess I just wanted to meet you and I already said that."  
Michael put his fingers in his blonde locks and he looked up to Robbe so mysteriously, that Robbe felt invisible.  
"Yeah, I imagined that going so differently too. And I really wanted to meet you too. And I guess we will have to work together now."  
"Oh, yes! We need to get along with each other if we both want to keep Sander in our lives. And it was great meeting you if I'm being honest, I wanted to know my friend's boyfriend."

For a moment Robbe felt that Michael was completely honest, and maybe Robbe wanted to believe that. 

He chose to believe that.

"Is it hard? Dealing with his emotions?" They started talking talking about Sander's bipolar since Michael was curious about it and wanted to learn more.  
"It was at first. But not because of his emotions, it was that feeling when you just have to look at him feeling down and depressed and you can't do anything about it or change it. It's that feeling of not having any power, you just have to be with him and stay with him, wait how long it takes for him to get back at you." Michal was listening very closely and for a moment Robbe forgot all about his problems with Michael.  
For him the blonde boy was just a person who wanted to get to know Sander and tried to understand him. 

He felt good, sharing his experience and thoughts.  
"What if he doesn't want you there?"  
"He also doesn't have any power, to tell you if you should be there or not. He won't notice you at all, until he wants to.  
There is nothing you can do, just be with him and deal with anything that comes to you when it comes. You don't have to think ahead."  
"He's so lucky to have someone like you by his side." He said before he picked up his cup and brought it to his lips.  
Michael's coffee was so different from his, while Robbe ordered the black one with no sugar, Michael seemed like he knew somethings about coffee industry and flavors, he asked something called Mocha and he specially said that he wanted 2 parts of stream milk instead of one.  
Robbe had absolutely no idea what any of that meant.  
"I'm sure I'm more lucky than him. Sander is really amazing person to be around."  
"Yeah, he's perfect."

It felt kind of weird and good at the same time.  
There they were, two people who loved Sander more than anything, sitting together, talking about him, admiring him.  
It was too iconic.

Sander would love to see that.  
Robbe was so sure. 

He'd laugh for a long time.

* * * 

Walking back home, Robbe felt confused. His thoughts were all over the place.  
"Fuck! I need a smoke.” He mumbled under his breath. 

He felt a lot of things but at the same time he didn't know what to feel or think.  
At all.  
He was happy that he got to talk to Michael, sad that he was as great as Robbe imagined him to be. 

Michael even let some of his famous jokes slip out of his mouth and Robbe couldn't help but laugh. 

It was too damn funny.  
Why did god have to make him that hilarious?

Robbe couldn’t stay away from Sander, no matter how much he tried. He loved him too much for that and knew he’d never stop loving him. Sander was actually the only thing that kept him sane, the times when he was going to see him, was the one thing he was looking forward to. 

When he gets to see Sander, everything just vanishes.  
And no matter how jealous he was, he would never give Sander up, at least not without a fight.  
And if that meant fighting with the most perfect guy he has even seen in every way, he would do it.

He'd go through hell and make it out alive if that meant having Sander by his side.

Fuck, he really needed to smoke.  
Maybe he should text Jens to ask him for some weed, since he didn't have any after he and Sander officially started dating, it wasn't good for him and Robbe was nothing but supportive.

He wasn't addicted but at the times like that, he wished for it to just suck the life out of him, burn his lungs and make him forget about everything.

But now he really needed something, so he dug in his wallet and went to the closest store to buy cigarettes. 

And when he finally got them he watched the flame as he lit it up.  
Robbe had found a quiet corner where he'd sat down on the sidewalk and was just enjoying his desperate and so needed cigarette now.  
He looked down at the ground which was covered with fallen red and orange leafs.  
They were too pretty for Robbe.  
Fallen, but still colorful. Beautiful. 

The air smelled of cars and people coming back home from work.  
The middle of the city, where the air was fresh and clean, and where the cigarettes he did see littering the streets were just that.  
Litter. 

They didn’t concern him, not anymore.  
Not even when he had one on his lips.

Because this life, this present, this future he could just begin to see as the fog cleared up was new. Untouched, unspoiled, full of promises, full of things that had been taken from him.  
Like a home, warm and welcoming and nothing like the one destroyed by fake promises and a lonely, scared little boy with a broken body that couldn’t take any more.

He breathes in, shallow and cautious, eyes following the trail of smoke that goes up to the sky in gentle spirals.  
He wishes Sander to be here with him, so he could breath in the smoke out of Robbe's mouth.

It burns in the back of his throat. It was different from the burn he felt, it made him feel like he was suffocating.  
He didn't like it at all.  
But for some reason he reluctantly place it back in his mouth and try to take a deeper breath, only to choke again.

The taste in his mouth suddenly got disgusting, his head hurt and he felt almost like he was going to fall against the wall from being dizzy.  
Gross.  
Too gross.  
Just like himself.

He unconsciously started thinking about Sander, how guilt still kept him awake at night and how he would never get over something like that.  
Robbe knew one day would come and horrible thing would happen because of it.  
And in the end he was right.

His boy bottles everything up, trying to take care of himself and failing, failing very hard. 

Doing what he believed was right, what he believed would help somebody and Robbe knew it would continue.

Before it happened, Robbe knew.

He was waiting for Sander to do stupid decision believing he was helping, and he was, in his pretty little head, but he was also hurting not only him but Robbe too.  
And the thought of him making Robbe miserable, killed him more and he tried to make everything better.  
He did, but it really wasn't his fault that he made everything a lot worse.

With only good intention in his mind, Sander would destroy one of the best things in his life, all because he was guilty, all because he believed that it would make everything better, that it would make his dark thoughts disappear.  
Oh, how wrong he was. 

Robbe felt sorry for him, since he knew.  
He knew Sander.  
Probably knew him better than any any living soul.  
Robbe knew he would forgive Sander anything, but when it finally happened, he wasn't so sure about it.

How much was Sander willing to do to make his dark thoughts disappear?  
How much was he going to do to make his dark thoughts disappear? 

Robbe pulled out a new one, lit it and took a long, hard drag.  
His eyes drifted shut as he breathed in the smoke, holding it in his lungs for several long seconds. Then he breathed out, a slow, satisfied exhalation as another dose of the nicotine hit his system.  
He sucked in another lungful of fragrant smoke, and felt his shoulders relax.  
The second round was going much more smoothly.  
For a few moments he could forget about all that. 

Forget about absolutely everything.  
There wasn't any Michael making his days worse and worse.  
There wasn't any bad feeling that would crash and consume him, trapping him in the pitch black aura, not letting him go, torturing him more and more.  
He forgot about Sander too.  
Whatever his boy did or think, was only hurting them both. How he wished time when everything was fine to be back. But he wasn't turning away. Specially not now, or ever.

There are good things in life, good times but people need people by their sides when they are falling, falling down and can't get up.

Robbe wasn't going anywhere, whatever'd happen.  
He was staying and he was holding on to Sander harder and harder each time.  
He would stay until Sander didn't want him to, but he would probably stay even more after that.  
This past year Sander was by his side all the time, in every little ups and downs, he only needed to do the same for him.

Even if he wanted to go, he wouldn't be able to.  
Robbe can't leave Sander, not now, when Sander was having a battle with his demons, not when he only wanted to do good.  
Not when Robbe loved him so strongly, it hurt.  
Not when Robbe couldn't stand the idea of spending a day without Sander in it.  
Not now.  
Not ever.

He was staying and he would do anything to make Sander see why what he was doing was wrong in so many ways, he would make Sander snap out of it.  
That boy only wanted good but somehow got the worst and it was unfair.  
He pursed his lips and exhaled, a contented sigh.

Robbe dreads the moments he wakes up alone, without him in his arms.  
He hates when Sander ignores him and won't answer to his texts for the whole day, and he knows that Sander only does it when he's feeling bad, no matter how many time Robbe told him to be as open as he could about his illness, Sander still tried to keep his feeling to himself.  
And he was doing it right now too.  
When Sander kept his feelings bottle up, nothing good happened.  
Robbe feared that this time, the consequences would be brutal, he would lose Sander once and for all.  
Ah, he couldn't lose Sander.  
He wouldn't be able to live and breath without him.

He can lose fucking everything. But not him, oh god, just not him.

After a few minutes, he began to feel like somebody was watching him.  
His eyes popped open and looked around.

Nobody was there. 

When he got to the house he saw Sander was already there, learning against a wall, waiting for Robbe.  
He was on time, as always.

At the second Robbe got close enough for Sander to see, he looked up and smiled so brightly, all Robbe's worries just completely disappeared.  
Sander had that king of effect on Robbe, every time he saw him, nothing else mattered.  
Robbe didn't even let Sander say hi to him, just crashes into him, put his hands on his chest, slowly moving them up and down, without saying a word. Sander growled quietly and tried to kiss him, but Robbe turned away and pushed his hands off him. But Sander didn't take "no" as an answer and crashed his lips against his, more hungry and demanding than ever. Robbe returned the kiss, wriggled his hands free from his grasp and grabbed on the waistband of his jeans, while trying to open the door, shoving him inside his room. His lips crashed against his and before he had any time to figure out what was happening Robbe tore his shirt off and pushed him roughly onto the bed, crawling over him. Instantly Sander put his hands on his waist, pulling him towards him but he pushed them away and pinned them over his head, grounding his hips on his crotch while pulling the air out of his lungs.  
He got on top of the boy and hungrily started kissing him and roaming his hands around his body.  
"What has gotten into you? Not that I'm complaining!"  
Robbe gazed into his eyes innocently and bit his lip, avoiding his question. Sander studied his face for a long moment and he rolled on top of him again. The brunet's lips crashed against his, anxious, demanding and both of them poured every single emotion coursing through their veins in that moment into the kiss while their lips moved fiercely against each other, leaving the other completely breathless. His hips grounded against his crotch harder and Sander put his hands on his waist again, making him faster, but Robbe pushed his hands off him again holding them over his head.  
Robbe stopped for a second to tilt his head back and glued to his neck now, making him moan out of the closeness.  
"You!" Robbe managed to answer. He was angry and he was frustrated and all he needed right now was to get some of his steams out.  
He was angry at Michael who texted him to meet up. He was angry at Sander, who wasn't taking care of himself but only others, and in the process was making Robbe worried and doubt everything. He was angry at himself, because he didn't have power to stop Sander, from fucking up his own self.  
He was angry at everything.

Soft moans tumbled off Sander's lips and he continued straddling him a little faster, leaving wet kisses on his neck and down his chest without taking his eyes off him for a second. Robbe's fingertips and tongue was using his body as a canvas and he tried to figure what he was drawing, realising his fingers’ movements resembled letters not drawings, but he couldn’t concentrate enough to figure out what Robbe was spelling.  
“Oh, fuck!“ he moaned quietly. Sander couldn’t tear his eyes away from his, seeing his boyfriend look at him innocently while he slipped his hand between their bodies and smirked realizing how hard he was already.  
Swiftly his fingers to undo the button and zipper of his jeans and pulled them off his legs, leaving just his briefs on.  
“So hard and I haven’t even touched you yet.” Robbe cooed, feeling the sudden confidence rush into his system, pressing his lips on his thick shaft through the fabric, allowing his hot breath on him.  
"O-oh damn. Who is this and where have you been hiding him?" Sander asked before he threw his head back on the pillow. He wanted to say something more so badly, to tell him how crazy he is driving him in that moment, but all that came out from his lips were moans and short breaths.  
"Shut up!"  
"You tell me to do that a lot! Don't you like my talking anymore?"  
"Just be quiet now and let me have you!"  
Robbe looked into his eyes, drawing circles with the tip of his tongue on his lenght while his fingertips brushed against his inner thighs and Sander nearly lost it.  
He wondered if Robbe felt the same way when he did those things to him – losing it completely but still craving more of that sweet, oh so sweet torture.  
He just couldn’t bare to watch, but could also hardly tear his eyes away for more than a few seconds and each time he did –  
“Nah - uh.” Robbe grabbed his face, forcing him to look at him. “Eyes open. You don’t want to miss anything do you?”  
Sander felt his breath get caught in his throat mid-moan, feeling a rush of excitement flow through his body concentrating on his lenght.  
There was no way he’d last long.  
Not with the way the boy looked at him with innocent eyes and all those thoughts flooding his mind.  
Not with the image of his fingers and tongue right in front of his eyes every time he closed them. All the things he wanted to do to him, all the ways he wanted to do him. 

And Robbe was denying him his release. 

He bit his lip and pushed his hips at him, but Robbe was a step ahead, lifting himself at the exact same moment. His boyfriend was really tapping his fingers on every single button of control Sander had.  
His skin felt on fire, he had been denied his orgasm more times than he had liked and there was only thing on his mind in this moment –  
“I want you –” he moaned. “I never knew I could want you this much –”  
And Robbe finally stopped torturing him and just lowered down. He threw his head back and braced his hands on Sander's chest, feeling his heart thumping like crazy. His hands moved towards his neck and tangled in his white hair while he rested his forehead on his, their moans colliding in perfect harmony. Sander's hips pushed up again meeting his halfway, both of them falling in their rhythm instantly.  
“Kiss me pl – ” he moaned and his lips crashed against Robbe's instantly, drowning him in a deep passionate kiss. His lips barely let him take a breath and his fingers tangled in his hair, tugging on it while his hips continued to roll on him a little faster making him moan into the kiss.  
Sander tried to wrap his arms around Robbe and while doing that he knocked the lamp on his nightstand off and it shatter on the floor.  
"Ohh god, I'm so sorry!" He felt blush creeping on his cheeks.  
Robbe started laughing and Sander joined in too.  
"Don't worry about it! I knew you'd break it at some point. You're too clumsy."  
"Excuse me? I am perfectly - "  
He couldn't finish since he felt his orgasm rushing and it didn't take long until both of them came undone. 

Sander pulled him harder on his side and cling to his skin, both of them trying to calm down their breaths.  
"My dream came true."  
"Huh? umm, ohh." He showed at his side making his laugh.  
"Is there a special reason for your behavior? Did I do something so you had to punish me with your teasing? I really want to know so I can, you know do it again, if that mean you, all hot and angry going down on me and riding me, torturing the orgasm out of me."  
Robbe was quiet for a while with a little smile on his face before he went completely serious.  
Sander noticed the change and asked the question he was holding back for the whole time:  
"Did something happen?"  
"I talked to Michael today."

"What?"


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this update took so long. I will start working on the new chapter as soon as possible. I hope you will like it! Share your thoughts with me! And have a great day!

"Yeah. He actually texted me, asking if I was with you." Robbe talked very slowly, watching how Sander got so distant all of a sudden, pushed him away, sat up on the bed, the sheets that were barely covering him, got even more pushed down, which made Robbe's attention unfocused. Robbe knew exactly what was going though Sander's mind and at the same time he had no idea.  
And he was scared.  
He didn't know if he should just let Sander speak first or speak up himself.  
"We just talked Sander. It's not a big deal." He let the words out and as soon as he did, Sander looked up so fast even Robbe got a little dizzy.  
"It's a big deal for me, if that made you upset. What did he say?"  
"Sander, I swear! There is nothing to worry about we just had a - "  
"What the fuck did he say, Robbe?" The look on Sander's face was really making Robbe scared, the glare in his eyes were too harsh for not noticing.  
"A-about what?" He whispered, not looking at him.  
"Fuck." Sander's mumble was almost not hearable but because of the silence in the room, he still heard it.  
He still didn't look up when Sander abruptly got up, looked for his underwear and pants on the floor, picked and put them on.  
"Where are you going?" Robbe choked back and tried to get up, his eyes started watering. He knew when Sander found about it, he wouldn't handle it nicely, but he still didn't expect that kind of reaction.  
"No! Stop, don't go." He got up and pulled on his underwear, which was under the bed, and looked up to Sander, who was still looking for his shirt.  
He tried to stop him by touching his arm, but Sander shrugged him off, that made Robbe's eyes more watery.  
"Stop for fuck's sake and talk to me!" Robbe yelled at him, made him turn around and face him.  
Sander's emotions on his face was unrecognizable for the first time ever.  
"Were you with him all day?" His jaw clenched, eyes burning, lips shut sealed, Sander has never looked that beautiful but Robbe needed to concentrate.  
He could make it work.

But before he could even say a word, Sander continued.  
"So, when I was worried about you and your mom, you were going behind my back, lying to me and meeting up with Mickey for what? Getting some information out of him? Making him tell you things I decided not to say yet? Is that how you trust me? You couldn't wait for me to tell you and just went - "  
"Stop! Stop talking! It's nothing like what you said. Just let me explain. Sit down!" Sander didn't move an inch and when Robbe was about to say something more to convince him to listen, he walked to bed slowly and sat down, looking up to Robbe patiently, he took his hint and sat down right next to him, facing him, taking his hands in his.  
"I went to see him, because he asked me to and I didn't tell you, since I knew you'd act like how you're acting right now and I want to know the reason behind it. We just talked, Sander. Whatever you're not telling me, I can guarantee you that he hasn't said anything about it. It makes me sad that you're keeping something from me and he knows but that's not the point at the moment. Stop pushing me away when I want to talk, or help you. It's not fair and you know it. Again, nothing happened, he hasn't said anything you're worrying about. We just talked."  
That seem to calm Sander down a little, but his jaw still had to unclench.  
Finally he let out a sigh.  
"I'm sorry. I don't know why I got so mad. I shouldn't have."  
"It's okay. Just try to don't do that first, and let me talk, that's all I'm asking." Robbe dared to move a little closer to him and hold his hands more tightly. 

He wished he had remembered that advice in the next few days when everything crashed down and all his dreams disappeared. 

"I'll. I'm sorry, it's just, I feel that my episode might be coming and I'm upset all the time and I didn't take meds yesterday and today and - "  
"Why didn't you take them?"  
For the first time today, Sander couldn't look at his face, turning it away, shutting his feeling down again.  
"I was too happy." 

“Patience, baby. You know better than to rush me with this.”  
Robbe huffed and turned to shoot his teasing boyfriend a small glare, only to moan breathily when Sander wrapped his lips around him and sucked lightly.  
“Hmm, fuck. C’mon, love, I need more.” He whined needily before he felt one of Sander's hands tangle in his hair and push his head back down between his spread thighs. Robbe mewled at his strong grip and went easily, laying yourself over him, front to front, shuddering at the slightly warn feeling of his bellybutton pressing on his chest. 

Their lives were one. They couldn’t exist without one another, it was true, and this moment seemed like the perfect example of the ways their bodies fit together so easily. Robbe was getting dizzy the longer this lasted, but he didn’t want it to ever end. He held Sander tighter, made certain that he could feel just how good he made Robbe feel. Every ounce of pleasure Sander gave, Robbe turned it back and gave it in kind. 

Robbe muffled his moans into Sander’s cock, using the new angle to take him deeper than before.   
He relaxed his throat. The head slipped deeper, deeper, brushing the back of his throat and making him gag a little. Tears pricked in his eyes, but determination surged inside him. He took a few tries, shifted the angle, and he eventually managed to take him down his throat completely. 

Oh yes, Robbe was waiting for this moment.   
They were doing this for the first time but it wouldn't be last, Robbe was certain of it.  
He'd make sure.

He swallowed Sander down again, carefully relaxing his throat to take it all again and listen to his beloved moan.   
Sander, not one to let Robbe take it so easily, started to tease him with his fingers while he sucked, idly massaging them as he bobbed his head.  
Robbe was seeing stars.   
They twisted and moaned together like this until, at last, Robbe pulled back with a long cough. He tried to catch his breath.  
“Holy shit, I-I wasn’t, I m-mean - ” His voice was already a bit raspy, and he could feel Sander shiver against him at the sound of it.   
“I have to surprise you somehow, don’t I? Or else you will get bored of me.” Sander said wryly, panting hard. 

He was wrong. There was no way in hell, that Robbe would get bored of him.  
Ever.  
And the thought that Sander was using sex to make sure Robbe would stay, was both hilarious and arousing.  
As if he needed to do anything to pin Robbe down to his knees, whenever he wanted. 

Robbe dipped his head, lazily trailing his lips along Sander’s cock, following the lines and veins with his fingers. He mouthed along it, kissing sweetly, while Sander’s hands grew more bold, teasing, playing.  
“Mmm, Sander. ” Robbe mumbled.   
Sander smiled. “You like that?”   
“You know I do.” 

Sander grabbed Robbe by the thighs and suddenly yanked, hauling Robbe up onto the small of his back, legs sprawling wildly in the air. He let out a shocked sound in the back of his mouth, but he sank down deeper into Sander's cock. 

Robbe could barely focus on anything.  
He opened his mouth, taking Sander as deep as he could go. It felt so good to have something on his tongue as the other boy played with him.  
The heat coiled inside him, winding tighter and tighter until it seemed to boil through his veins.   
A low groan eased out of Sander's chest.   
They both rocked their hips, lost in the feelings of pleasure, of giving pleasure back.  
They were mirrored on each other, a reflection of one another, a perfect ouroboros of pleasure. 

Close, Robbe was so close, he could feel it on the edges of mind. Everything else was hazy as he drifted along, bliss twisting through him.

Robbe let out a stifled cry as his body suddenly released, his orgasm striking him without warning.   
His cock pulsed, and Sander pulled off and moved to suck his cock through the last few jets, while Robbe wrapped himself around him, jerking his fingers frantically, he sucked harder, feeling Sander's body stiffen under him and began to jerk in his mouth. Robbe tasted the salty, bitter flavor on his tongue, and he moaned. 

For a moment it was silent in the room, except for the sounds of their heavy breaths. Sander rolled to the side, weakly flopping so his head was near Robbe's.   
They traded a tired kiss. They could could taste theirselves on each other's tongue.   
“That was good.” he murmured.   
“Not a bad idea at all.” Sander answered. He had a messy grin on his face, hair perfectly disheveled, and the heart of his smile absolutely, perfectly endearing.  
Robbe nodded sleepily.  
"That was really, really good. It's one of a kind of sex." Sander continued.  
"That wasn't sex, it was naked poetry." As soon as the words left Robbe's mouth, Sander started hysterical laughing. When Robbe looked at him confusedly, he asked:  
"Did you see that on Instagram?"  
"Fuck you."  
"You just did."  
Robbe was quiet for a while but then he went deadly serious, rolled on his side, facing Sander and said:  
"You have a very bad influence on me."  
"Excuse me?" Sander smirked at him.  
"We needed to talk and you had to take me first, as always."  
"I'd always take you first!"  
"Yeah, I know that."

"What did he say after that?"  
"He asked me about your bipolar."  
"And what did you say?"  
"Nothing I haven't said to you. He just wanted to know how it was like for me I guess."  
"Huh."  
They were sitting on the balcony, on the chairs. The sun was already going down and was creating a beautiful combinations in the sky. The weather was a little chilly but they didn't want to go inside just yet, maybe later, after they said everything it needed to be said.  
Robbe really doubted that Sander would say everything that was bothering him, but he was going to anything Sander decided to give him, so he listened carefully, listened to every little gesture, every little sigh or eye roll.  
Every little moment and action that might give Sander away.

But fucking shit, that boy was good.  
So good at mastering his emotions.  
Robbe felt jealous.  
He was never able to hide his feelings like that. 

"Will you ever tell me what's bothering you?" Robbe didn't try to hide his desperation and pain anymore.  
Sander already knew, so what was the point anyways.

Robbe was already losing hope of hearing it from Sander. It would take so long for him to actually open up about this. But when Sander blurted out so suddenly and started spilling everything on the table, Robbe was more than surprised but he tried to hide it.  
"It's Cole. I'm constantly thinking about him and I'm comparing him to Mickey. I'm scared the history will repeat it's self and the karma is punishing me again. If I make the same mistake, I don't know what I will do with myself. I'm so scared and I don't know what to do."  
"What do you mean same mistake, Sander?" When Robbe didn't get an answer he continued.  
"Listen to me. You can't just say something and expect me to help you or tell you my opinion. You need to tell me the whole thing so I can think and give you an advice, Sander. I am not getting anything you are telling me right now, since I have no idea about any backstory." Sander sighed and looked away.

He was doing that a lot today.  
Robbe didn't like it at all.

"Mickey has some issues."  
As if Robbe didn't know that already. 

He decided to stay quiet to let Sander continue.  
"The same issues Cole had that I knew of. The situation in his family are hard. Their parents are divorcing and Karla is blaming him everything. And I kind of have to hang out with her too since she's always there when I go to his house. She has such a negative influence on Mickey and I try to - "  
"Karla as in, his sister right?"  
"Yeah. She gets on my nerves all the time. Anyways, I think Mickey had some pretty bad history with depression and just suicide I guess and I'm scared he will try it again, specially now when it got too hard for him. And he always tries to leave me out of it since he can clearly see how it's affecting me, but I just can't seem to relax with the thought that he might do something bad to himself, you know? And even if I don't want it, it's making my emotions very hard to handle and then I feel so bad and sorry about it. Like I snapped at you for literally no reason just an hour ago and I couldn't control myself and I don't want to be that person anymore. I'm not that kind of person anymore, Robbe."

"Please, don't stop now, continue. Please get everything out of your chest. I need you to do that, at least for me." Robbe whispered so quietly even he couldn't hear the words. 

"I'm scared that if I continue like this, not taking care of myself, I will lose you and I c-can't let that happen."  
Robbe moved closer to him, but didn't touch him just yet. He was looking at Sander's face, trying to find any hint that Sander didn't want to be touched, and when he found none, he put his palms on the part of his neck and cheeks. Sander closed his eyes and clang to the touch, took shaky breath.

"Open your eyes!" Robbe put his forehead on his, trying to get Sander to look at him.  
He felt so many emotions at the same time, it was unreal.

Be since when was anything easy when it came to Sander?

It's was funny how both of them were terrified of loosing one another and had no idea that the other one felt like that too.  
Robbe was so sure about everything at that moment. All his negative thoughts disappeared. He was even surprised how he thought about those kind of things before, Sander only wanted to be with him.

How could he ever doubt that?  
"Open your fucking eyes."  
Sander smiled a little but still didn't open them. Robbe caressed his cheeks and he moved more closer, longing to see the boy's breathtaking green eyes, he put his head a little higher and kissed lips right eyelid, making the boy's smile more brighter, then he moved to the left one, kissing it, stoping his lips on it, just enjoying the moment.  
"I want you to touch my hair." Robbe whispered and Sander wasted no time to wrap his fingers around his curly locks. 

"Let me in, Sander. I can't just sit still and watch you suffer."  
"How about a kiss first?" His eyes still closed, lips parted, hair messed up, breath shaking, skin glowing, Sander has never looked better than now, Robbe thought.  
Who was he to reject him offer? 

He kissed him and he kissed him hard, passionately, trying to put all this love into that one pure movement.  
And he probably did a good job, by the reaction, or sharp intake of air Sander took. 

Robbe was so weak for this boy. So weak, so powerless. 

But he wouldn't want it any other way. 

When he got away for a few centimeters, he saw that Sander's eye were still closed. 

He was still shutting him off.

"I'm going to take any pain you're feeling on myself, if that will make you smile. I can't handle watching you like this, just please. Let me in!" Robbe's voice started cracking, his fear creeping up on his back, only thing he wanted to do was to take some pain away from his lover.  
"Please look at me, Sander!  
Please look at me!  
Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!" He chanted nonstop. Taking his cheeks in his palm, stocking it with his fingers, looking at his closed eyes, not staring at them, waiting for the moment Sander would decide to let him in, share everything, make Robbe realize his pain, explain it to have, getting use to the feeling that Robbe wanted to take care of him too, wanted to understand him, waiting for the moment that Sander realized his wasn't alone anymore. 

And at the second Sander open his eyes, Robbe's smile was brighter than the sun.  
"I'm here, and I will always be here, do you understand that?" Feeling his nod, Robbe kissed his forehead. 

"I felt horrible when I saw it. I don't want to but I couldn't help it. You weren't answering me, but you were hanging out with him and drawing him? I wish you'd talk to me, but it's in the past now, right?" Robbe didn't notice that Sander hasn't answered his question and he continued.  
"And the caption was the worst. It made me feel so insecure and jealous, I felt like he was stealing you away from me and I couldn't do anything about it but just watch."  
"He wanted me to draw him so bad, I couldn't say no. He said that it was his dream, to be drawn and I just wanted to make him happy."  
"Yeah, I know. But I couldn't help it."  
"I'm sorry."  
"Don't worry about it. It's my fault since if I had just told you about it, all this things wouldn't happen."  
"No, it's my fault and you know it. I'm sorry for ignoring you."  
"I love you."  
"I know you do. I mean, look at me!"  
"You're so full of yourself and I mean you should be too."  
"I'm only confident since you're with me, you make me unstoppable."  
"Yeah right!"  
"I mean it."

Robbe didn't believe him.

As he was about to lean forward and kiss him, his phone started ringing and Sander moved to picked it up, his face changed when he saw the name.

Robbe felt like it wasn't Michael this time. 

And even if he didn't know it, he was right.

"Who was it?" He asked when he hanged up after saying some words to the caller, Robbe couldn't make out the conversation they were having.  
He saw that Sander wanted to say but he decided against it.  
He kissed him instead.

Robbe knew Sander good enough to finally crack his tricks.

Like when Sander puts his hands on his thighs while Robbe is talking, he wants his boyfriend to continue. 

When he kisses like he's doing right now, so deeply with his hands on his neck, is means that he doesn't want to talk anymore. 

Robbe knew all of that. But he chose to let Sander win that time.

He wished he hadn't.

Group Chat:  
Jens:  
22:03  
"I bought a new pack of weed today and I'm willing to share some tomorrow at my house."

Aaron:  
22:04  
"I'm down."

Jens:  
22:04  
"Okay let's meet up at the park by 6 and then go to the house."

Moyo:  
22:06  
"I bought a new one the other day too. I will bring it along."  
"They are getting so expensive man."  
"I need to try saving and keeping them longer this time."

Jens:  
22:06  
"How much did you pay?"

Robbe:  
22:07  
"I think I will be there too."

Aaron:  
22:08  
"Finally you are here."  
"How is the things going?"

Moyo:  
22:08  
"Where are you right now?"

Jens:  
22:08  
"Are you with Sander?"

Robbe:  
22:10  
"Yeah, we're together."  
"Things are going well now."

Jens:  
22:11  
"What happened?"

Robbe:  
22:12  
"We talked a little and I feel much better now."  
"He's starting to open up again so I'm very happy about that."

Aaron:  
22:14  
"That's good, right?"

Robbe:  
22:14  
"Yes, it's good."  
"It's actually very, very good."

"We should adopt a dog." Robbe spilled the water he was drinking after eating dinner, as soon as the words left Sander's mouth.  
"A what?" He looked at his smiley faced boyfriend.  
"A dog." 

Why was Sander thinking about that now?

"I'm more of a cat person to be honest."  
"Really?" Sander couldn't help but be surprised.  
"Yeah."  
"I mean, yeah. That actually makes a lot of sense."  
"What do you mean by that?" Robbe felt a little weird about Sander's statement. He left the question answered.  
"Well then we can have a cat too."  
"Too? As in both cat and a dog?"  
"Sure." Sander's smile was making Robbe very happy and if he was being honest, he would give in about anything Sander would ask right now.

As he always does.

"Don't they not go together well?" 

He was hearing this for the first time from Sander.  
Getting a pet together was very serious decision and they unfortunately didn't live together.  
Was this Sander's way of saying that he wanted them to move in together?  
Since Robbe also wanted nothing more than that, but it wasn't that easy.  
He couldn't leave his mom alone and -  
They were more complicated things too.  
"I don't believe in such thing."  
Moving closer to Robbe, Sander put his arms around his shoulders and looked into his brown eyes.  
He was quiet for a while, until he went deadly serious.  
"We should go and get it now."  
Robbe's eyes got wide, stupid gin on Sander's face wasn't helping his thinking.  
"What? No."  
"Yes, let's get going. Now."  
He unhooked his arms and pull Robbe. Still fazed from amazement, Robbe couldn't do anything, but follow him. 

Before he even realized that Sander was indeed very serious, they were already at the shelter. It was open until midnight and they needed to act and choose fast, if they wanted to adopt it today.

The shelter was full, every cage held a different cat. A variety of shapes and colors complimented the chorus of yowling and soft meows. Robbe seemed nervous at first, his eyes moving rapidly and chest not falling in the fake breathing pattern he had perfected.  
Sander squeezed his hand gently, as if saying "we're really doing this."

It was okay, they were ready. 

So the two boys walked slowly, up and down the aisle of cages.  
Sander would occasionally point one out.  
Black cats, grey cats, cats that fit their aesthetic.  
Robbe turned down each one with a shake of his head and a sigh. “It has to be the right one.” He insisted.

The two boys had looked and looked and looked some more. Only one cat had caught Robbe's attention, but Sander had yet to notice it.  
The kitten was soft orange with white markings. He had bright green eyes that looked at Robbe with curiosity.  
When the boys passed by his cage once more Robbe pulled Sander to a stop. He crouched down and smiled. The cat tried to climb up the glass while purring and giving tiny meows. Robbe laughed softly and put a finger to the glass, where the kitten tried to rub against it.  
Sander was surprised, his boyfriend just became more adorable as if it was even possible. While Sander hadn't expected Robbe to go for such a delicate looking creature he couldn't deny the pull the two seemed to have to each other.

The boys filled out the application with joy. When the worker left the couple in the room to meet the kitten Robbe had the kitten scooped up in a flash and the kitten bumped it's face against his nose. Robbe cooed and scratched it's head while looking at Sander with a questioning glance.  
“Yeah." Sander answered the unspoken question. “He's the one.”  


“You're naming him what?” Sander felt laughter bubble up.  
Robbe looked at him, dead serious, and repeated. “Leo.”  
Sander took a deep breath to quell the giggles.  
"I can't believe you're naming him that."  
"It's a great name."  
Sander giggled and kneeled by his boyfriend's feet to pet the kitten in his lap.  
"Welcome to the family, Leo."

Robbe laid the kitten down on the ground.  
Sander watched the kitten as it woke up, and made its first few cautious, wobbly steps towards him. Sander stayed as still as possible, trying not to scare it.  
"Robbe, what do I do?!" he whispered, as the kitten pawed at his leg. Robbe smiled.  
"I think... I think he's asking you to pick him up!"  
"Oh, I don't know how to do that, I don't want to hurt him, baby."  
"Here." Robbe giggled, as he scooped up the kitten in his arms. He placed it gently into Sander's lap. He sat down next to him, helping him to hold the kitten properly. It kneaded with its paws into Sander's chest.  
"What's is he doing?" Sander giggled as the kitten's paws dug into him, softly and rythymatically.  
Robbe thought for a moment.  
"I think." he said softly. "That because he's still young, he wants milk from his mother."  
"Oh!" Sander laughed, stroking the kitten's head.  
"That makes you his mom then?"  
"If I'm the mom, then that makes you dad." Robbe giggled, coming closer to Sander to watch the kitten knead.  
"Put your pinky finger out." Robbe whispered. Sander obeyed, and the brunet guided his finger to the kitten's mouth. Without further prompting, the kitten took Sander's finger in its mouth, as if it was nursing from its mother.  
"That tickles." Sander started cracking up.  
"He's nursing," Robbe explained with a sweet smile. "He did it with me on the way back home. It means she likes you!"

After awhile, the kitten drifted off to sleep in Sander's lap, breathing in and out softly.  
"Oh, Robbe." he whispered, as not to wake the kitten.  
"What do I do now?"  
"Aww." Robbe sighed, playing with the kitten's fur in her fingers.  
"Just stay like this for a second, I want to take a picture."

"He must really like you to fall asleep like that." Robbe said after he put his phone away.  
"Yes, but my legs are falling asleep too!"  
Robbe smiled.  
"Do you want me to take him off?"  
"No, I need to let the new baby sleep."  
"I need to take him back eventually." Robbe teased.  
"I know." Sander sighed with a sad smile.  
"So he will stay with you all the tine? Since that's kind of not fair, it was my idea after all."  
"We can have a schedule so he will get use to both of us."  
"Yeah that can work. You can have him for a few days and then I will take him."  
"Yeah."  
After Sander was too quiet, Robbe asked him if something was wrong.  
"No, it's just that. I want to hold him whenever I want and I want to hold you whenever I want too."  
"Baby!"  
Sander eyes dropped and his mood changed abruptly, wanting to spend his every living second with Robbe got his dark thoughts up there in the open.  
"One day, we will have a house of our own, and we will have him there. And we will be very happy. Together. Always!"  
"Oh, Robbe!" Sander looked up. "I would love that. You promise?  
We could be like a real family." Robbe leaned into his shoulder.  
"I promise!"

No matter how much he wanted, he didn't keep that promise after all.

Robbe blinked his eyes awake, yawning, stretching, his toes curling into the sheets kicked to the foot of the bed. Sunlight filters into the room, illuminating the cozy space - the hard wood furniture and the soft carpeting, the big bed beneath him with its soft blankets and pillows and - and the severe lack of Sander Driesen.  
Normally after a night like last night he would wake up with him sprawled on his stomach, one arm tossed affectionately over Robbe's stomach, his face half-buried in his pillow, the skin of his back illuminated by the late morning sunlight pouring through the window. It's unusual to find the bed empty and he shoved down the rising feeling of dread in his stomach.  
Sander has to be okay.  
And he has to be here.

He wouldn't leave without saying anything, would he?

He'd have woken Robbe up if something had gone wrong.  
He was probably just in the bathroom or something. 

Yeah.  
Nothing to worry about.

Robbe stood up and grabbed a shirt from the floor, the one furthest from the bed and likely the cleanest, and turn it right side out.  
It's Sander's shirt.  
He slipped it on, not bothering with pants.  
T-shirt fell nearly to knees regardless, and he knows that his boyfriend loves it when he wears nothing but his shirts.

Silently, Robbe pushed the bedroom door open, padding out into the hallway. He stretched his arms behind him again, cracking his back and shoulders. He reached the kitchen and the scent of bacon sizzling on a frying pan floods in his nose as he stepped into the welcoming warmth of a kitchen in use.  
Sander's bustling about at the stove, wearing only a pair of ratty old sweatpants riding low on his hips, the expanse of his bare back exposed, the muscles in his shoulders working as he flips over the bacon, stirs the scrambled eggs. He's humming under his breath - he recognize it as one of Bowie's song of course - and he wasn't aware of Robbe's presence in the room yet.  
Robbe smiles and sneaked up behind him with a smile, pressing his chest to his back and wrapping his arms around his waist, burying his nose against his warm skin.  
For just a second he tensed, but then he turned around in Robbe's arms and kissing his forehead, murmuring his name into his hair.  
Sander was the first one go pull back, running an anxious hand through his sexy bedhead hair. "I, uh, I made you breakfast." he mutters, dishing out the eggs and bacon onto two plates.  
"I thought you might be hungry."  
Robbe laughed at Sander's tone and cuteness as he pulled out a chair at the table.  
"After last night? Of course I'm hungry."  
Sander smirked and handed him a coffee mug, going back to his humming, pouring his own coffee. 

Black and tasteless as cigarette ash, per usual. 

Robbe took a sip from his mug - that's exactly how he likes it. Sander knows him so well.

He's about to dig into the food, but the tune Sander's humming is nagging at the corner of his mind.  
He can't eat until he's sure he got it right. 

Robbe paused, his fork hovering over a pile of scrambled eggs. "Starman?"

Sander lifts his head, smiling at him across the table, opening his beautiful mouth to sing.  
"There's a starman waiting in the sky. He'd like to come and meet us But he thinks he'd blow our minds. There's a starman waiting in the sky. He's told us not to blow it."  
He stands up, coming around to his side of the table and pulling Robbe out of the chair, lifting him up into his arms, kissing his square on the lips.  
  
Somehow they end up back in the bedroom, breakfast forgotten, but Robbe doesn't really mind. 

Not at all.  
Sander's half-awake beside him, playing with the ends of his hair, the fingers of his other hand dancing across his spine. 

He snorts, and Robbe turned to see what he'd been looking at over his shoulder.  
His shirt that Robbe has been wearing, has once again been thrown haphazardly across the room.  
This time, when Sander had barely taken the time to lift it over his head and toss it out of the way, it had landed on a corner of the dresser, the band name displayed for Sander to see.  
"It's too bad." he says now, snuggling closer to press soft, chaste kisses against the base of his neck.  
"You looked incredibly sexy in my shirt."  
His mouth trails down over Robbe's shoulder, tracing the line of his bones.  
"Oh well. You look even better out of it."  
Robbe laughed and smacked him playfully on the arm, and his green eyes flash in the now bright noon light, his plush pink lips pulled up into the kind of smile Robbe haven't seen on him for a while.

That's all that mattered at that moment.  
That's all that will matter in the future too anyways. 

Next time Robbe woke up, the sun was still shining from the slightly open curtains, now with a warm body next to his. Sander was still sleeping, chest rising and falling slowly, arm under the pillow, and face scrunched up ever so slightly.  
Robbe smiled softly as he looked at him, noting the fine eyebrows and slightly somewhat parted lips.  
He liked how peaceful Sander looked while asleep and he didn't think he would ever get used to waking up next to him.

He had never thought it would have been possible to be comfortable with anyone in bed and every time he woke up like this, he was still surprised. 

Yet here he was, with Sander next to him again and a life he made for himself.  
And he has never felt better about that decision. 

He knew he should get up soon but he didn't want to risk moving and disturbing Sander, so he decided to let him have just a few moment.  
Leo was laying right next to him, also asleep and he woke up sooner that Robbe thought he would and took his time stretching, curling his paws over his face and then arching his back.  
Robbe scratched his fingers down Leo's back and rubbed at the space between his ears, just as he liked.  
He still couldn't believe that he had a cat now.

They had a cat now.

Leo settled on his chest and purred in contentment.  
Robbe had to agree, feeling rather content himself.

At this Sander shifted slightly on the bed and Robbe looked over at him again.  
The boy's eyes were opened but squinting, adjusting to being awake.  
He stretched his arms above his head and sat up, looking down at Robbe and Leo.  
Robbe smiled softly at him as Sander let his hand sift through Robbe's bedhead in greeting.  
Seeing that his other owner was awake, Leo climbed onto Sander's lap to curl up.  
Sander scowled at the cat hair that was left behind but Robe could see the underlying affection as he pet the cat in his lap.  
"Damn those pets and their hair."  
Sander grumbled as Leo leaned more into his hand and purred.  
"We only have him for a day and you're already complaining." Robbe said with a teasing smile. Sander glowered down at him, mouth turned down in a way that made it look like he was pouting more than glowering, but neither of them would ever say anything about it.

Robbe smiled again and decided it was really time to finally get up, petting Leo a few more times before carefully getting out of bed.  
Leo looked very unimpressed with being moved, since half of his body was set on Robbe but settled down with a swish of his tail. Robbe sat up and he felt Sander's eyes on him and stayed in that position a bit longer than necessary, taking his time bringing his arms back down and rolling his shoulders.

Sander rolled his eyes at the blatant show but leaned into the kiss that Robbe gave him.

The cat actually followed him and twined around his legs, hoping for food. Robbe obliged, filling his food bowl.

By the time Sander came out, Robbe had the food ready and they ate in comfortable silence, at ease in each other's company.  
Neither of them had anything to do that day so they settled in to enjoy one of their rare days off.

They spent most of the day sprawled on the couch, Robbe with a book and Sander flipping through the channels and making sarcastic comments about what was happening on the tv.  
He liked to mute the sound and make up his own dialogue that was very exaggerated and amused Robbe more than he would admit. 

Then they switched to playing video games, Robbe sitting between his knees, his head agains his chest.

The cat would come and go, laying on the boys. 

It was way past noon when Robbe texted his friends that he couldn't come today.  
Boys understood and decided to hang out tomorrow instead.

Robbe was very pleased with that. 

Sander made dinner.

He found Robbe's pack of cigarettes in his trousers when he was picking them up from the floor and Robbe decided that one time wouldn't hurt anyone so they sat out on the balcony for a smoke. 

They leaned against each other, sharing warmth and reassurances.  
The streets were calm and the moon shone brightly. Smoke curled around their fingers and into the night. 

They were together and that's all that mattered.  
It was a peaceful day for the first time in a while. 

And Robbe was happy.  
Too happy.

When Jens texted him that there was a party he wanted to go in a few days, Robbe agreed, saying that it would be a good idea to have a little fun. 

Oh, how he wished he had said no.


	7. Chapter 7

"Fuck, dude this thing is strong."  
It was Moyo's turn to take a hit, his eyes were already red and he was in a very euphoric state. 

Robbe wasn't that gone get but he felt good and calm, and having his best friends with him made him feel even better.

He really needed that.

He hasn't done that since he got rid of his weed for Sander but since he was already breaking rules, why not break one more too.  
He actually mentioned that Jens was asking him to go over for a smoke and Sander just said "have fun!" So he guessed it was alright. He knew about Sander's dark past with drug use so he tried to push that topic as far as he could. He didn't want to make Sander remember it.

Jens looked over at Robbe and smiled as he watched the younger boy bring the bowl to his lips.  
Robbe finally looked well rested and just fine in general.  
The flame from the lighter lit up Robbe's face for only a second before it went away.  
He pulled the bowl away and handed it to Aaron, holding the smoke deep into his lungs.  
The weed wasn't that good, there was a burn in the back of his throat and he could taste the bud every time he burped, but it felt nice as he let the remaining smoke blow out of his mouth.

"If I would die like this, it would be a blessing." Aaron said after he put the bowl down, throwing his head back on the couch.  
"You want to die with this in your system?" Moyo was the most effected since he hadn't used them for so long and just smoked too much for Robbe's liking, boys really needed to watch him until he was out of the daze.  
"Why not? It feels amazing."  
"It's scary though. I mean this isn't strong at all but you know how many people pass away because of that? Overdose, I mean?" Jens was sitting between Robbe and Moyo while Aaron was on the other side of the couch.  
"Let's stop talking about that, please." Robbe said, looking clearly upset all of a sudden.  
"Okay? What should we talk about then?" As soon as Moyo started saying it, Aaron interrupted him.  
"Then tell us something about how your relationship is going."  
"Aaron!" Both of the guys spoke at the same time.  
"What? I'm just looking out for my friend. I want to know how he's doing!"  
Robbe smiled at them, he missed this so much.  
"It's okay! I- we- we're good guys. It's going so well and have I mentioned that we have a cat now?"  
"A what?"  
"A cat! Sander said that we could get a pet and we got it."  
"Damn dude! Isn't getting a pet like very very serious for the relationships?" Moyo asked, seemed really interested.  
"I guess so, yeah!"  
"When will you be moving together?" Everyone got so quiet when Aaron asked that.

To that, Robbe had no idea. 

Saying that he didn't think about that would be a lie.

That's all what he could think after they got a cat. 

That's all what he could thinking every time they were together. 

That's all he could think about always. 

Moving in with Sander would be perfect.  
It would be everything he ever wanted.  
Robbe fidgeted nervously with his watch.

"I mean you you guy have plans right?" 

“I mean yes, but we haven't talked about the bigger decisions, but I do have some idea of how I’d like it to go. Of course I want to move in with him, but I don't think it's a possibility at this moments."  
Everyone was listening closely and waiting. Jens raised an eyebrow, encouraging him to continue.  
“Obviously, I’ve been taking things at Sander's pace. Taking everything day by day. And we haven't gotten to the that point yet. But I’ve been thinking about asking him to. We spend most of the time at each other's houses. And he’s told me that he wants to move out of his house a few weeks ago but he doesn’t know how his family would feel about him living on his own. If he lived with me he wouldn’t be alone but I also don't know if that's a possibility.”  
“I'm like almost hundred percent sure you that if you asked tomorrow, he’d be packed in an hour.” Jens added and Robbe laughed, just a little more relaxed.  
“Obviously that’s just a short term goal.”  
“What about long term?” Aaron who was the owner of this conversation, finally uttered a word.  
“Obviously, the big one, I want to marry him.  
Not anytime soon, I don’t think either of us are ready for that. But in a few years maybe.  
I don’t believe in wasting my time with someone I don’t see a future with.  
I see a future with Sander and I don’t know if he feels the same but I hope he does. I just know that I want him in my life for as long as he’ll have me.”  
Boys did a little cheer for that and had a little laugh.  
"Damn, Robbe! You're already thinking about getting married and stuff and what am I doing? I don't have anyone! Fuck man!

"So who is the man in the relationship?" Aaron blurted out after being quiet for so long.  
"That's what you have been thinking about all this time?" Moyo asked him while trying not to laugh.  
"Dude, don't ask that! We don't want to know." Jens said while rubbing his hands on his eyes.  
"What do you mean? I want to know." Aaron looked at Robbe, waiting for the answer. 

Robbe being very dazed already, exclaimed:  
“Both of us are man, that’s what being gay means, Aaron!"  
Hearing boys laugh and Aarons stutter words like "no that's not what I meant" and "I mean who - fuck" and "how do I say this?" was too unbearable for Robbe, his mind was drifting somewhere, far, far away.  
"Okay, okay but why do you like guys though?" That one was Moyo, he recognized the voice.  
"I don't know man, they're hot."  
He really doesn't remember first time he started liking guys. It just happened and he felt like he was like this his whole life.  
"That's true!" Jens agreed and before anyone could realize what he said, Aaron blurted another stupid question out.  
Like he always does.  
But Robbe wasn't mad or annoyed at all.  
He liked when his friends pay attention and tried to learn about some stuff.  
He felt wanted and loved at those times.  
It was a good thing.

"What made you gay? Like is there a trigger? Can I become one too?" Jens rolled his eyes at that one.  
"Do you want to bro?"  
"No I mean - what happened?"

Jens happened. Robbe thought.

"I don't know, I just never felt the emotions and attraction towards girls as I did with the boys."  
"So every time you thought of sex you wanted to do boys?" That one was Moyo, he was listening carefully and so was Jens too.  
Before Robbe could answer that Aaron asked:  
"Would you do me?"  
"We've been over this already, Aaron."  
"So is that a yes?"  
"No! It's a no."  
"Come on dude!"

Robbe:  
15:26  
"I'm at home already."  
"Will you come and pick Leo up?"

Sander:  
16:01  
"Yes, I'll get ready and come as soon as possible."

When Sander came, Robbe's mom was in the house, she hugged Sander and spent total fifteen minutes talking how she missed him and how happy Robbe is with him before she had to go, and until Robbe had to drag smirking Sander to his room. 

Leo followed after them. 

And when Robbe got pushed down on the bed after he closed the door, he laughed and asked Sander:  
"Are you a nymphomaniac?" "Yes, if fact, I am."  
"Yeah couldn't guess it!" Robbe teased and when he saw that the boy was tense and serious, he got worried.  
"I always want to touch you! I'm addicted to your skin and smell." Hearing the adoration and love in his voice, Robbe couldn't help but let a moan.  
"God, I love you and your pretty, dirty mouth."  
"I'm glad. It would be weird and I would be concerned if you didn't."

Robbe's already curled up lips curled into a little smile before he even felt the soft pair of lips he loved kissing so much, on his. They fell asleep cuddling while watching some movie they didn't even pay attention to. Sander always does this, waking him up with a sweet kiss from his sweet strawberry lips. But this time the kiss was longer, lingered with much more passion than their normal kisses.  
Robbe pulled Sander on top of him and adjusted their legs so they were cuddled comfortably on either side of his.  
As soon as Sander pulled away Robbe put his hands on his face, slowly stroking his soft cheeks. He grinned, his hands keeping their motions.  
  
Sander chuckled and leaned down to peck Robbe's nose to which the latter scrunch it up. The action almost made Sander coo but he stopped himself from doing so by pressing his lips to his lover's once again in a short kiss.  
Sander's beautiful cat eyes were sparkling, they always were, but this time was different. Robbe knew this sparkly gaze, it was the "I would die for you" gaze.  
Robbe always felt so weak when Sander looked at him like this, it was so full of love and adoration and so goddamn captivating, alluring and made him weak in the knees.  
  
"Stop looking at me like that." Robbe playfully scowled.  
  
"Like what?" Sander hummed, folded his palms on Robbe's chest and rested his chin on them, making himself comfortable on top of his lover.  
Robbe gave him a "really?" look, this was too cheesy for him. Though, he rolled his eyes fondly and replied anyway.  
"Well, it's a fond look, but also a predatory one." Robbe half shrugged and proceeded to run his fingers through his hair.  
  
"Maybe I want to eat you." Sander grinned, slowly trailing his hands down to Robbe's boxers and stuck them in. Robbe's breath hitched and he bit his lip.  
On more than one occasion, Robbe had woken up with Sander horny against him and rubbing up on him. He'd taken care of him then.  
But this time, it seemed like Sander wanted to take care of him.  
"Hmm, not yet, pretty boy." Robbe pulled Sander's hand out of his boxers, grinned back at him and squished his cheeks.  
  
Sander pouted.  
"Leave my cheeks alone."  
He said and bit Robbe's chest, which roared with laughter. 

Sander buried his face in Robbe's shoulder and groaned. Proper kisses followed, trailing up his shoulder to his neck again. A soft bite offered Robbe a taste of what Sander wanted to give him.  
Afterwards, Sander nuzzled Robbe's cheek with his nose, gulping down the intoxicating scent of his body.  
He leaned in close to whisper, “take it off.” referring to his boxers, against the shell of his ear.  
The soft kiss to his jawline that followed left Robbe weak in the knees.  
Again.  
Sander surprised him by catching his lips in a pleading kiss.  
  
“Please.” Gold brown eyes stared into his own as his lover stroked his back.  
  
“Mhm, not yet.” Robbe replied and then licked Sander's bottom lip.  
Reaching up, he pulled him down to press their lips together.  
Sander eagerly opened his mouth so he could taste him properly.  
He groaned and it sent a throb of desire straight to Robbe's core, his boyfriend's presence invading his senses and making him dizzy with want.  
He sucked on his plump bottom lip, feeling hard muscle beneath his hands, tense and coiled.  
  
Sander dipped his lips to Robbe’s jaw, and began to work his way down again. His lips traveled down Robbe's neck, to his collarbone, he gently kissed the hollow of his collarbone, and worked his way up to his chin.  
Sander giggled and lowered his head, trying to capture Robbe's lips again, only to have brunet man's lips move away, kissing up Sander's jawline again, coming to rest by his ear lobe.  
"More?" Sander rasped, his voice thick with desire.  
“Yes.” Robbe whimpered, gasping as the boy captured his earlobe between his soft pink lips, his tongue traced his ear, gently playing with Robbe's nerve endings.  
Robbe let his hands roam over the back of Sander's hair.  
The long, white locks felt like silk between his fingers.  
Robbe pulled back, looking at Sander.  
“Babe, you’re so breathtaking.”  
  
“So are you.” Sander breathed out and dropped his hands and pulled his shirt off, exposing the firm, white skinned body underneath. Robbe leaned in, and found himself kissing Sander's neck.  
His kisses traced the sharp jawline, and in his heated response, he sucked hickeys right under Sander's ear.  
“Fuck.”  
At this, Sander grunted and his hands reached down, roughly grabbing Robbe, whose kisses were hungry now.  
He was practically devouring Robbe, who himself was moaning and whimpering like it was the first time he has ever gotten kissed like this.  
Sander looked down at him with a voracious look in his eyes and made a soft little growl.  
“I like it when you look like this, your eyes all glazed, dazed and shit. Not to mention that rock, hard body.” he added.  
Robbe looked up and felt desire curl in his stomach like the smoke from a candle.  
“I like how you look, too, like you want to devour me or something.”  
Sander grabbed his wrists, pinned them to the bed on either side of his head, then bent to kiss him hard, tongue sliding against slick tongue, then his lips trailed down to Robbe's chest, sucked on one of his nipples hard.  
The boy under him whimpered and let his his hips rise and fall of their own accord, trying to create some tension and hump his boyfriend, but Sander wouldn’t let him and he’d pull his hips away, making Robbe hump the air.  
Though, he didn’t give up and kept thrusting up, only to fail.  
  
“You like that, huh?” Sander asked, panting.  
“Oh, yeah.” Robbe moaned.  
“I can tell." Sander smirked, brown eyes gleaming with self satisfaction.  
He trailed one of his hands down to touch Robbe's boxers. “If you get any harder and I think you’re going to rip that.” He murmured against Robbe's collarbone while the younger boy moaned.  
“More?” Sander smirked.  
“Yes.”  
“Yeah?” His fingertip was maddening, trailing up and down the shaft of Robbe's needy cock.  
A little precome was dribbling and Sander collected it on his finger and licked it off afterwards.  
His hands trailed down to catch a handful of Robbe's thighs. “Mmmm. Look at those strong thighs.” He purred.  
“I love them. Hard and soft, all right up against each other.”  
He leaned down and licked a wet stripe up on the clothed dick, making Robbe cry out.  
Plush lips pressed the head and gave it a little suck.  
Thighs trembling, Robbe threw his head back and cried out a little.  
The sensations through the fabric were more intense than he had expected.  
The damp boxers clung to every curve of his cock and he couldn’t hold back a moan.  
It was overwhelming and he could feel Sander's hot breath coming in pants against his sensitive skin.  
“You look so beautiful right now.” Sander said in a hoarse voice.  
  
Robbe whimpered and huffed.  
  
Suddenly he flipped Sander off so he was the one lying on his back.  
Robbe quickly sat on his boyfriend’s lap, a little bit too hard, just to tease him. He internally scolded himself for allowing himself to be controlled by Sander earlier, this was not how he wanted the night to go, he was supposed to be the one to spoil and take care of him.  
“Don’t fight it, I’m in control tonight.” Robbe smirked.  
“Yeah? Show me how good you are.” Sander challenged.  
“I can be very good, the best. You know that.” Robbe leaned down and bit Sander's nipple, making him hiss out.  
“I can’t recall.” he smirked and put his hands on Robbe's hips.  
“Fine then. I’ll show you.”  
He leaned down and kissed Sander passionately and Sander pressed his lips equally as hard.  
Robbe reached down and freed Sander's cock from his boxers and rubbed it on his still covered one, making both of them separate to release high moans.  
He knew exactly what he was doing. He let him go and scooted down the bed, then leaned forward to kiss his cock.  
  
“Robbe.” Sander whispered needly.  
“Nuh-uh. Gonna make you suffer.”  
He kissed his way up his body, tongue darting over bits of skin on Sander's abdomen, chest, and throat, until he was writhing with ticklish enjoyment.  
Robbe grinned at his accomplishment.  
“I think you’re starting to recall, hmm?”  
Sander ignored the question.  
“I don’t know anyone but you that could pull this off and look so smoking hot.”  
“Thank you.” Robbe grinned and gave Sander a teasing roll of his hips, then he slapped Sander's hands off him.  
“No touching,”  
“Baby c’mon.” Sander whimpered.  
But this was a challenge, if Robbe wanted to test him and his willpower to touch him then he won’t summon.  
Robbe pulled Sander's boxers completely off and didn’t tease much further, he leaned down and began to suck him off.  
Sander's eyes fell shut and he groaned.  
He pressed his heels against the mattress, and pushed his hips up, trying to thrust, but Robe grabbed his knees and pushed him down then he went back to tickling the head of Sander's prick with the tip of his tongue.  
He leaned down again, hallowing his cheeks around his thickness, he occasionally bit along the prominent veins of his cock, his tongue traveling up and all the way back down, he repeated the motions before stopping with a kiss at the tip to spread his lips and go as deep as he could. His hand wrapped around what he couldn’t fit in his mouth.

Sander whimpered, hands reaching down, trembling as he dragged his fingers through hair. Robbe hummed at this, and Sander cried out at the sensation.  
  
“You really can’t keep your hands to yourself huh?” Robbe smirked after he pulled back.  
“Sweetheart, I’m gonna lose my patience.” Sander warned with a growl.  
“Really now? and what can you do?” He hummed, challenging him more.  
Sander growled again and flipped them over, immediately holding onto Robbe's thighs.  
“You tested me so much tonight.”  
“Mmmm, it’s certainly a nice view from here.” Robbe purred.  
“San, you look so delicious and sexy.”  
“Are you not gonna take your boxers off me?” Sander asked, voice tone hoarse and seductive.  
“Now why would i do that when I can watch it get ripped off?” Robbe hummed.  
“Mhm, anything for my baby boy.” Sander smirked and pecked Robbe's collarbone, tearing his boxers off of him.  
  
"Now up on your knees.” helped guide him up, but then pressed his head down against the bed. “You are so incredible baby.”  
  
Robbe's flushed pink cheeks rubbed against the pillow, the confidence he had earlier slowly slipped from him as he heard Sander shuffle, probably getting the lube. 

Robbe buried his head into the pillows, particularly trembling at the feeling of Sander’s fingers.  
  
He turned his face into the pillow and sighed as Sander gripped his hips again. The hot panting against the back of his neck almost set him off and he debated slipping a hand down to help but stopped himself. Robbe always enjoyed the slow build up, much as he denied it. The more insatiable he grew the better it would be for both of them.  
Robbe's mouth dropped open in a moan and his body twitched. Sander was making was driving him crazy, hands curling into fists clutching the blanket beneath them and rumpling them further.  
Every little nip, lick, or gentle kiss drove Robbe wild. Sander's mouth seemed to be everywhere at once and exactly where Robbe needed it most. He reached behind and ran his fingers through Sander's hair, encouraging him to continue.  
Sander flipped him again, laid him back down, though more on his side.  
Sander settled between his opened legs and secured them around his waist. Robbe groaned as he slide inside of him. Robbe's shaky hands pulled him closer.

Sander pushed harder and harder inside of the boy, whose lips were parted, moaning was the only thing his fragile mind can think of doing.  
He pinned his wrists to the bed, their skins are scorching against each other, and Sander's touches leave beautiful red marks in their wake.  
“Fucking hell Robbe, you’re so goddman gorgeous.” Sander moaned and leaned down to suck on his nipples.  
Robbe shuddered, panting and mouth half open.  
His senses overheating, skin feeling too small, constricting as Sander ran his hands through every square inch of him that could be touched.  
“San, please let me ride you.” Robbe stuttered out, moaning between the words.  
“Fuck, okay.” Sander grunted and switched their positions, Robbe sitting comfortably on his lap.  
  
“I'm going to ride the utter loving fuck out of you.” Robbe panted, almost entirely nonchalant.  
"I beg your pardon?" Sander moaned out.  
"Then beg."  
Robbe abruptly slammed himself down, laughing at how his partner’s mouth fell agape and his head thrown back.  
Each of Robbe's soft hands were pressed against Sander's chest as the slow rocking and swaying became more insistent until he found the spot.   
The cry that escaped his was loud and unrestrained.   
His back stiffening and arching backward. He really loved this view, Sander looked ethereal and Robbe didn’t want to miss a moment of it.  
  
“Aaaah! B-baby.” Sander moaned, closing his eyes and throwing his head back, giving Robbe a perfect view of his bitten and marked neck.

Eyes wide and lips parted, Sander wholeheartedly whined as his boyfriend suddenly stayed perfectly still.  
“Robbe, move.” he growled.  
“Beg.” Robbe smirked, grinding torturously slow, very much enjoying it.  
“Please, baby boy, keep riding me. I want to watch you come undone." Sander moaned, closing his eyes.  
Robbe shifted in his lap, a shuddering sigh leaving his lungs as a low, drawn out moan left his throat. Sander's grip on the others hips tightened, digging painfully into the soft flesh and leaving fingertips marks behind as his jaw clenched and set in a hard line. His gaze hooded for a moment as he struggled to keep his mind clear and eyes on Robbe's.  
  
“Fuck, you’re so beautiful.” Sander moaned out, he felt repetitive but always meant it.  
Robbe focused his eyes on him now and smiled.   
“You already told me that and back at you. I love looking at your face.”  
“Do you think you can move faster?” Sander squeezed Robbe's thighs.

Robbe did just that.  
  
Every movement was accented with a groan, moan, or gasp.   
Sander slammed up into him and Robbe gasped loudly, but he barely had time to react before Sander did it again and again and again, fucking up into him just how he wanted. 

Robbe could barely see now, tears have welled up in his eyes and made his vision blurry.  
  
It was almost becoming too much, and it got worse when he let his eyes trail down.  
Robbe was already so close, and despite the fact that he hasn’t come he felt so sensitive, like every slight movement of Sander's hands on his body, every flick of his finger against nipple or every snap of the harness against his now pink chest, it was all setting him on fire.

He couldn’t take it all.  
Not if he wanted to last any longer.  
So he let his head roll back, breaking his gaze from his lover’s cock, not that not being able to see anything, he could still feel it, feel everything.  
“None of that.” Sander hissed into his ear, and the hand that had been playing with his nipple shoot up and hooked the fingers into Robbe's mouth.  
Teasingly, Robbe stuck his tongue out and licker at the webbing between Sander’s fingers, whose eyes trained on his soft pink tongue as he did so.  
Drool was slipping out from his mouth now, and Sander purred into his ear before forcing his fingers in deeper, fucking Robbe's mouth.  
  
“You’re close, Robbe.” Sander said, and Robbe was beyond gone to be able to respond at that point, couldn’t even if he were mentally capable.  
“C’mon baby, show me how pretty you look when you lose yourself because of me.”   
Sander ran his fingers on his cock in one smooth stroke, and that’s all it took.

Robbe's entirely body felt like a live wire, twitching with electricity.  
Cum shoot from his cock in quick spurts, coating his and Sander's chests with white streaks, he was far too gone in euphoria to realize how loud his scream was, even if the noise was muffled as his mouth was filled with Sander's fingers.   
And then a warmth was seeping into him, and Robbe distantly registers that Sander's thrusts have become erratic and shallow as he came as well, filling him up.

Robbe felt like he was entering a forced sleep mode, everything felt a little too foggy, like he was dreaming.  
He could barely feel Sander against him as he moved them into a more comfortable position, lying down on their sides on the bed.

“How do you feel?” Robbe heard after a while of them catching their breaths.  
“Good.” he slurred in response, nuzzling his cheek further into the soft blanket of their bed.  
“Good.” Sander nodded, and then with a quick kiss to the back of Robbe's neck he pulled away, which made Robbe reach blindly behind himself for his lover, looking to pull him back closer making Sander chuckle at his behavior.  
“I’ll be right back.” he promised, “After I get something to clean us off with.” Robbe couldn’t argue with that.

Once Robbe heard the door click shut he carefully propped himself up and rolled onto his back. He sat up and looked at himself in their dresser mirror, he could see his half-lidded eyes, his red face, marked neck and chest, tangled hair, freshly fucked body. 

It was erotic.

He was too mesmerized by it to realize that his boyfriend had returned.  
  
He arched into the soothing towel as it rubbed against his heated skin when Sander cleaned him up and Robbe laid back down.  
Sander was sliding onto the bed beside him, pulling his head on his chest.  
“I love looking at your red body.” Sander stated.  
“It makes me feel like you’re all mine. I love you.”  
“I am and I love you too.” Robbe replied immediately.  
  
One of Sander's hand moved to pet Robbe's hair and the other slid down to hold one of his hands, Robbe sighed at the warmth that flooded through him as their naked hands touch.  
"I love your hair. I love your everything." Sander whispered against his skin.  
Robbe was too far gone to even answer. 

It was Robbe's turn to make dinner. He knew he wasn’t a very good cook most of the time. But he did have an idea.  
And Sander would eat anything he made and praise him anyways. 

Robbe hummed as he pulled together the ingredients, beef, potatoes, carrots, celery, beef broth, tomato paste, along with various herbs and spices.  
It was a simple recipe his mother had taught him, something that could be thrown together and mostly forgotten about for most of the day.  
His mother had normally made the stew in a slow cooker, which made it easier to not attend to.  
Once everything was pulled together and the slow cooker was doing its job, Robbe was able to leave to go about whatever he pleased, which most of the times were making out with Sander and playing with the kitten until both of them had to go, occasionally popping in to check on the stew and stir it.  
Sander would comment at times on the smell of whatever Robbe had been cooking, praising him on just how good whatever was in that pot smelt, since he wasn't allowed to check and see what it was.  
About half an hour before dinner, Robbe added a bit of the broth to some flower, and added the mix into the pot, turning up the heat before going about setting the table.  
Robbe couldn’t help but be a bit nervous as to what Sander would think and if he would like it. Usually Sander was the cooker in the relationship.  
He knew that he’d always loved when his mother made this stew, but he could only hope that his boyfriend would enjoy it just as much.  
It made the man extremely happy to see the initial reactions Sander had, he let out a contented sigh, shutting his eyes in what seemed to be bliss.  
“My mama used to make this all the time in the winter.” Robbe told him.  
“This is fantastic, Robbe.” Sander said looking very serious. The boy sounded genuinely impressed, and that brought a swell of pride to Robbe.  
He knew it wasn’t exactly easy to really impress Sander and Robbe couldn’t help the bright smile that came to his face at the praise.  
He simply nodded in thanks, hardly knowing what to say in response.  
Robbe silently thanked his mother for teaching him some of her recipes, and for her nurturing his interest in cooking. He was glad that it was finally coming in handy.  
"If I knew you cooked like this, I wouldn't even pick the knife."  
"You're exaggerating!" Robbe felt blush creeping up to his cheeks.  
"I'm not! You deserve every compliment baby!" 

"Will you come with me tomorrow?"  
"Do you want me to?"  
"What does that even mean? Of course I want you to."  
"Whose party is it again?"  
"Does it matter?"  
"No, but one of boy at my university is having a party too so I was just wandering."  
"Willem? He's going in your university?"  
"Yes! That means everyone will be there." 

At that time Robbe didn't know that by everyone, Sander meant Michael.

"I'm gonna be there baby, but I don't think I will be able to go with you, I have an appointment in the hospital just to check in and stuff, but I will come later okay?"  
"Yeah, it's okay, I was also thinking about going with the guys anyways."  
"Yeah we will meet there right?"  
"Yeah."

Robbe didn't know that meeting Sander there would be the most horrible thing and memory in his life, back then.

"Do you have to go already?" They were standing at Robbe's doorstep, with Leo and Leo's things in Sander's hands.  
"I will see you tomorrow, come over in the morning and then go at the party and meet up with your friends and I will get there as soon as I can, alright?"  
"Alright." Robbe whispered, taking a step to kiss him one more time. 

Somehow he felt very upset and weird about letting Sander go. 

He didn't know why.

He would see him again in the morning. 

It wasn't a big deal.

"Text me when you get home okay?"

Sander smiled and nodded, kissing Robbe on the forehead, turning away. 

Robbe stayed there until he couldn't see Sander's siluete anymore. 

He couldn't sleep well that night.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The quote at the end of the chapter is a lyrics from the song by Sun Heat, titled "Running out of time." I just felt like I should have used them in that moment.   
> Share your thoughts with me!

It was almost four and Robbe just finished getting ready.   
He didn't get why they had to get there this early. Jens said something about giving them help to set up, Robbe had no idea.   
The guys would pick him up in a few minutes and they would be there by five o'clock. 

What kind of party was that?

He just came back from Sander's, and he really wasn't in the mood to go out today, but he promised and his boyfriend would come later too, something to look forward to. 

He really didn't want to go.

But he will try to not show his emotions.

As he always does.

Moyo called that they were outside and when he went, he saw that his friends were sitting in some blue car.

"Finally you're here. Couldn't style your hair right?" Aaron asked from the backside chair.  
"Who's car is that?" Robbe got closer to it.  
"My cousin's. Get it!" Moyo was driving and beside him, Jens was sitting.

Robbe got in the car in the backside, took his phone out of his pocket, without a single word.

Robbe:  
16:04  
"I'm going already."  
"Text me when you get there okay?"

Sander:   
16:06  
"I'm going to the hospital right now and I shall be there by six."  
"Don't drink too much before I get there!"

Robbe couldn't want to get in his arms again.   
He saw him an hour ago, but it wasn't enough.

Whole century with him wouldn't be enough for Robbe.  
He wanted eternity and so much more after that. 

"Why is it so early?" He asked after being silent for half an hour.   
"You won't notice the time, trust me." Jens looked over to him, and winked.  
"What's that suppose to mean?"   
"You will see." They didn't give him any more details. 

He wanted to go home already. 

When they got there, Robbe finally got his answers.  
It wasn't just a house party, it was a fucking mansion.  
And there was some black things, which Robbe couldn't describe, covering all the windows, probably making it seem like it's was already pitch black from the inside. 

They found one pathetic empty stop to park their car very far away from the building. 

Robbe was nervous. It seemed like he always was. 

He walked very slowly behind the group, probably trying to disappear into thin air and never come back. Wanting the sky to swallow him.   
He didn't felt like going in.  
Not at all.

Looking at it, he felt tiny and Sander wasn't here to calm him down, to make him feel better. 

What time was it again? 

He noticed that he wasn't the only one nervous, Aaron was trying to step back too and they were standing at the doorstep, about to ring the bell, but weren't doing it.

"I don't think we will fit in guys." Aaron whispered but only Robbe heard him. 

As Jens was about to push the button, the door opened right in front of them.

The boy behind the door was looking at them questionably.   
"Um, we're h-here for the party?" Robbe couldn't put the finger on which of his friends that voice belong to.  
"Come on in then!" He seemed super nice and just let them in. 

The place was as enormous as it seemed, they definitely didn't need any help setting the place up since everything was already done and ready, there were people everywhere Robbe looked with fancy cups in their hands, he could see the dance floor from here which was only illuminated by disco lights, but the hallway was pretty bright and Robbe could clearly see the boy's face.   
Gorgeous, slender, in the early twenties, wearing some black skinny jeans and blue T-shirt with "First of all, no. Second of all, no." printed on it. He had smooth, light honey skin, with cocoa brown eyes and dark eyebrows. Robbe could see a tattoo on the left side of his neck but couldn't figure out what it was. 

"I'm Willem. And you're welcome to stay as long as you like. The drinks are over there, in the kitchen." He pointed at the right, in the open room.  
"Have fun, be nice and we won't have any problems at all." He added with a breathtaking smile, showing off his white and perfect teeth. 

When none of them moved, he laughed and shook his head.  
"Come on, don't be shy. Stick with me for a while if you want, I was about to go to bring some more alcohol but I'll go later and maybe one of you will give me a hand too." Without any word he started walking and like a lost puppies, boys just followed him. 

It was his property anyways. 

Sweaty people were sticking on each other, air was filled with weed's and vodka's smell. 

Robbe has been to a lot of parties but somehow this seemed like the heaviest and fanciest at the same time. 

They went to the bar thing this guy had and there was this bartender that pour the drinks for people. Robbe really thought that he was in the club and not at somebody's house. 

"You have a great home." Aaron yelled over the loud music and Willem didn't answer him until they were on the other side of the bar where music wasn't as loud.   
"Thanks. I can't wait to move out though. It's my parent's, not mine." 

Robbe didn't like when people were sharing personal information as soon as they meet him, but didn't Sander do that too at first? 

Well, he only loved it when Sander was doing it. 

"I heard something about moving out?" A girl, almost as tall as Willem, with long black wavy hair and white skin, wearing some black T-shirt with very ripped jeans jacket, wrapped her arms around the boy's shoulders from behind, kissing his cheek, making the boy show off his dimples in his smile.  
"There you are! I was looking for you everywhere."  
Willem turned around and wrapped his arms around her and hugged her back. Marie didn’t let go of him and he didn’t let go of her.   
For a few minutes they just stood there, in the middle of the room. He reached to touch her cheek and smiled at her.  
It felt like the whole world just disappeared around them and Robbe understood the feeling. 

He knew what it felt like to be looked at like this, with so much love and adoration, his heart would burst out.   
Everything stops when there is one person standing in front of him, who clams that he's only job is to love him deeply, Robbe knew that. 

He was still trying to get use to that.

Spending his whole life while everyone looked at him and blamed him for everything did that to him. 

He was beyond words scared of being loved at first but now? 

He's fine. As fine as he can be, because if the world was ending now, he's only wish would be to look in Sander's eyes, just to see that one consuming, desirous, filthy and elegant look in his lover's eyes. 

It was heaven. To be looked at like that.

And that was exactly how Willem was looking at this girl. 

Robbe felt slightly jealous that his boyfriend wasn't there to keep him company. 

The boy in front on them said said something softly, which Robbe couldn't hear but wished he did, since Marie closed her eyes for a moment, enjoying his touch.

What did he say to her? 

Her hand reached to hold his and the next thing she knew, Willem's lips were on hers. 

Robbe felt like they were interrupting something they shouldn't have.   
He was in the middle of make out session of his friends for far too long, but this right here, felt different.   
Too epic, too gentle. 

Nobody but they were supposed to be here.  
Boys looked at each other awkwardly. 

It was such a personal moment for the couple. 

The kiss was gentle at first, deepening and getting more demanding.   
Robbe felt that too, when his touch felt as if electricity was going through his bloodstream, every fiber in his body coming to life. 

That's exactly how this girl must be feeling right there.

Willem pulled away, looking at her as if he was seeing her for the first time, his eyes glowing, dazzling look on his face. 

That was the first time Robbe was seeing that emotions in front of him.

That's was just the definition of love. 

His heart warmed up.

And then he let go of her.

Probably suddenly aware of the situation they were, he put his arm around her shoulder, pulling her close, making her laugh.  
"Sorry, we got carried away." The boy blushed and Robbe wondered if he looked that whipped when he was with Sander. 

Yes, he was. Definitely.   
And probably more. 

"I'm Marie. Nice to meet you."   
Boys introduced theirselves and before Robbe could say his name, Willem's eyes got wide and he looked at Robbe dead in the eyes, as if observing him.  
"Wait! I know you."

What?

"Um, I don't think we have met before?" Robbe asked confusingly, he gave Jens a side glance, remembering every embarrassing story in his life and stupid thing he did and wondered if Willem remembered him from them.   
He hoped not.   
He had a lot of bad and dumb memories.   
A lot he didn't even remember now.   
"You're Robbe!" 

Oh god. What did I do now?   
He asked himself, scared and nervous of the next sentences.  
He probably knew him from one of his so called, wild night, but Robbe was seeing him for the first time and didn't remember him at all, and Robbe was sure that if he had seen him before, he wouldn't forget.

This guy, right here, is somebody you just can't forget. 

He should have been so gone and wasted. 

He sighed and groaned silently in his head, already waiting for the worst case scenarios.

"You're Sander's Robbe!" 

Oh.

Robbe forgot to speak and was so surprised, Willem took a pity on him and explained some more. 

"We have some classes together and I have seen his work. Your face is in almost all of them, you're such a inspiration for him it's crazy. At this point I think everybody in the university knows who you are and whose."

Robbe would have never guessed that.   
He felt blush creeping up to his cheeks and neck. 

"He's a great artist, has some very big future for him. I mean we're not close at all but I know him kind of you know? He's a good man, keep holding on to him."

Robbe didn't need him to tell that.   
Of course he would never let his man go, it was absurd. 

The fact that everybody knew about Sander drawing him nonstop wasn't as awkward as he thought it would be.  
No, it was special and amazing. 

He felt special. 

Sander always made him feel special even if he wasn't there with him. 

How did he got so lucky? 

"Anyways, I need to get going for the drinks. Anyone want to come with me?" When nobody said anything he rolled his eyes and asked again.  
"Anyone?"   
"I will come." Moyo said and looked at the boys, as if asking them to come as well.

Robbe wouldn't go anywhere, not when Sander was going to be here in an hour or so.   
He didn't know how long they would go to buy some bottles but he did notice that there wasn't any stores nearby.   
And he wanted to wait for his boyfriend, since he didn't know when exactly he would get there. 

"I can come too." Aaron suggested and Willem smirked at them. 

"Yeah you two go, Robbe and I will stay here, right?" Jens looked over at him and the brunet nodded. 

"Okay then. Let's go."   
He asked if Marie wanted to come but all she did was give him amused look and Robbe guessed it was the end of the silent conversation. He kissed her one more time and started walking, Moyo and Aaron walking after him, throwing looks at the other boys. 

When they finally went out, Marie looked at them, smiled.   
"Okay! Now it's our time, I'm gonna make you have fun and meet some new people." She took their hands and pushed them. 

They were talking while Marie led them to the other part of the house where people who weren't dancing were.   
"So you have a boyfriend, a good one if I might say. I remember trying to make him notice me in my first year. But with no luck at all, nobody did until he got a girlfriend. I think every girl and a lot of boys cried that day." She said the word "girlfriend" with such a force and an annoying voice, Robbe felt the emotions behind it. 

He felt the same when he thought about that time too.

"Everyone was spooning after him, like horny dogs and he wasn't giving anyone his attention it was so frustrated."  
They sat down on one of the free couch, people were playing drinking games all around them.   
"Well, then I met Willem and we fell in love but damn, Robbe! You have got yourself a very hot stuff! I'm telling you! A lot of people hates you for that!" 

Robbe didn't know what to feel. He always knew that people wanted to be with Sander, it was obvious.  
Of course they did.   
Anyone who has seen him probably didn't have very pure thoughts. 

Robbe didn't have them either. 

But that boy right here, was his and only his. 

He didn't have to worry, did he?

"Everyone knows he loves you. Don't worry about it! You should be glad and happy! Lucky bastard." As if answering his thought Marie laughed and Robbe felt peaceful.  
He already liked that girl. 

"How long have you and Willem been together?"  
Robbe asked, trying to change the topic.   
Even if he was comfortable enough to let Sander love him and compliment him all the time, he still wasn't use to other people talking about his relationship with him, but he would gather some new informations now and he didn't want to miss a chance.  
"Two years and six months."  
"You go to the same university as him and Sander right?" Jens got into the conversation and he looked quite interested too.  
"Oh yeah, we're all on the same year. I'm planing on continuing my studying abroad but we will see what happens. If I go, I'm sure Willem will too. I'm thinking about Germany? Or maybe France?"  
"I'd love to see your work someday." Robbe said.   
Marie smiled and started looking around, and pointed.  
"See that canvas over there?"  
Boys nodded, started looking in the direction she was pointing.  
"That's mine."  
They weren't sitting far away and Robbe could see the painting very clearly. 

It was dark, dark grayish color, there was a mirror, taking up the whole space, and from the mirror, a girl was looking, her face unclear, featured unfinished, face non-existed, putting her hands out, as if she was touching the glass in front of her.   
The glass that was trapping her in the mirror, away from everybody, away from the world.

It was so beautiful and sorrowful at the same time. 

"It's dark." He heard Jens whispered.   
"Aren't we all?"

Robbe couldn't help but agree. 

"You're very talented, I like it."  
"Aw, thanks. I swear my other paintings aren't that depressing. That one, you just saw, has a different meaning to me, to us! I didn't want to give it to anybody but there was a time when I needed to gift Willem that, and I'm happy I did."  
"What does it mean?" Jens asked but when Marie kept quiet, he added.  
"I'm sorry. It was inappropriate to ask. You don't have to answer."  
"N-no, no. It's okay. I guess - it means that we're all captured by yourselves. There is a person you want to be, and every time you look in the mirror, they just stare at you. The person you want to be and the person you are. You're stuck, person you need to be is trapped and you did that to yourself. And she's crying and begging you for help, to let her out, let her shine but you can't! Since they aren't real, they are just your imagination. And you will never free her until you try to become her. It doesn't make a lot of sense but it's true.   
We're always crying for our best versions but we don't do anything to make them come true.   
And before that happens, we're just stuck. Stuck until forever.   
It's very sad."  
"That's so accurate and true though. I mean yes, people always learn and learn until they die and try to become better but there is that dark thought that make us believe we can't do whatever we want to do and just slows us down or just stops us in the middle of the road and we never continue since we don't have any motivation to do so. All we can do is wish and dream about our goals. And life passes by without us even noticing it."  
Robbe looked at Jens when he finished talking, he missed this.   
He missed talking about some deep stuff with his best friend and not just stupid weed talk. 

This topic was too close for Robbe.

He guessed, it was too close for everybody. 

"I like you. And I agree, hundred percent." Marie said, smiling sadly at Jens.   
"There is no stopping. We will lose our motivations, love ourselves, don't even move for days and to be honest, it's okay. It's totally normal to feel that way sometimes, it makes us see that we're humans, we have emotions and we feel them.   
The only thing that can help us is knowing that we need to get up and move on, go on with our road since if we stop, time will crush us and leave us to rot. In the end, everything will work out and if it can't solve its self out, it's time to leave it be.  
My life motto is this: if you can fix your problem, why are you worrying? And if you can't fix it, again, what are you worrying?   
Only advice I have, I guess, is that you need to understand, you have to get up at some point in your life." 

Yes, Robbe was sure.   
He really liked that girl. 

"All those people... That's simply ridiculous."  
Robbe lit his cigarette and looked around, obviously relieved that most of the people preferred to stay on the dance floor, away from the others.

Jens laughed and watched the other man closely, he knew Robbe was wishing that they could finally leave, but it wasn't as easy.   
Those kind of parties tended to drag on far too long for his taste, especially since he felt really insecure around so many people.   
Even if he was probably here for just more than an hour.   
He was just glad that Jens was with him, or he wouldn't have made it through the evening for sure.   
He liked it here, but still wanted to go home, lay in bed with Sander, just cuddle.   
In those past couple of months he had grown to depend on the other man at a lot of times. He just felt so much safer when he was around. 

And he wasn't here still.  
"Penny for your thoughts?"  
They locked eyes. Robbe cleared his throat and took the cigarette from Jens again, taking a drag himself.  
"I would rather be back at home than here."  
There was a smirk on the other man's face and Robbe knew that he had made his thoughts obvious.  
"Yeah, I figured."  
He wished Sander was here already.   
Robbe wouldn't be bored if he was with him, not in a thousand years. 

It was probably only his mind playing tricks, but Robbe was pretty sure that Jens's taste lingered on the cigarette and he handed it back over.   
Oh how he was wishing for that two years ago.  
It was too funny. 

If Sander was here, Robbe would be fighting down the urge to kiss the other man. The fact that Sander would definitely be looking just far too hot when he was smoking, wouldn't make things easier either.

And he knew it. 

He knew exactly what he was doing to Robbe. 

Robbe missed him too much already.   
If he was here Robbe's  
eyes would alight with mirth and that hint of a smile would appear on his pink lips.  
"You shouldn't be legal, man." He would whisper against Sander's lips.  
"Oh?"  
Sander's smirk would only grew bigger and Robbe'd groaned in exasperation before he'd turned and kiss him again. He'd hear Sander's laugh, casually brushing his hands up and down on his thigh. 

Robbe checked his phone.   
There wasn't any new messages. 

"Boys! Come here!" Marie called them from the other side of the room.   
Jens and Robbe looked at each other and got up.   
When they went to the couch she and other unknown girl was sitting, they joined them.   
"Okay guys, I wanted to introduce you to my friend."   
This girl had a black, long hair too, she was wearing a short, red dress with lace. She had big silver hoop earring and Robbe couldn't stop staring at them.   
"That's Laura! She's a sweetheart."   
"Hi, I'm Jens. Nice to meet you." His friend said excitingly and smiled, while Robbe just nodded.   
Jens said his name instead and introduced him. 

He zoned out when Jens and a new girl started chatting and Marie went outside to call Willem and see where they were. 

Robbe doesn't know why he missed Sander so much today.   
He saw him in the morning and spent all his day with him yesterday.   
And the day before that. 

It's all because of the horrible feeling he has since he let Sander go. 

He feels like it was the last time he'd hold him.   
And Robbe was paranoid.  
For no good reason but he couldn't help himself. 

When something horrible is going to happen animals usually feel it and act differently, that's exactly what Robbe felt like right now.

He just needed Sander to get here, with him as soon as it was possible, so Robbe could relax.

It was nothing.   
Just a stupid bad feeling he couldn't shake off.

He missed his loving hands, his nearness, the cold kiss of air he leaves on his lips with a soft breath drawn in, so close, so sweet.

Robbe's never been that close to anybody else. 

He missed his body, lying next to his own, a shield against the firm and press of the dark.   
He missed the way he stretches his legs between his, the strain and the softening of the muscles and sinews and tendons. He missed the taste of his kiss on his mouth, the taste of his want, and the taste of his love on Robbe's tongue, on his lips, spilled and still spilling, still spreading, never-ending.   
Robbe choked on it.

He choked, and dammed, and strangled back his certainty, forced it down his own throat with a swallow, two swallows, ten. 

And when he said that he miss him – when his fever brings the words back and back again like a tightening noose, I miss him, I miss him, I miss him – he means that his misses his everything.   
Every little detail.

Sander was his lilting song, chosen haunting, when it was dark in the morning and in his desperation, in his fall, he wanted to believe for a moment that the world was softer, and kinder, and better than it was. 

He missed his loving eyes.   
The eyes he knew.

He even missed his distance. 

Missed the lines drawn out between them, long lines, hard lines, aching lines, never-breaking lines. 

Missed the force of his heart, felt from afar. 

Robbe never asked to be closer than that.   
He couldn't imagine being closer and closer but somehow it kept happening.

He missed his body, standing beside his own, one shoulder pushed back so that he faces him, almost. 

His lover was always so tensed, always so true. 

He hid, but he gave everything for Robbe.

He missed the taste of his heart in his mouth, the taste of his want, and the taste of his love on his tongue, in the air, in his hands.

Robbe breathed on it.

Robbe didn't know the truth back then. 

He didn't know that they were always one broken bridge away from each other, always too afraid to swim the waters that ran between. And unfortunately Robbe knew that he could not drink them down.  
He knew that if he tried, he’d drown – in one swallow. 

He just missed him too much.

Robbe didn't notice the moment he was all alone.   
He searched for the crowed and saw him, dancing way too closely to the girl Marie just introduced to them, his lips glowed on her neck and his hands wandering all over her body. 

Robbe rolled his eyes and groaned. 

But he couldn't look away. 

Jens puts his hands around Laura's neck and stares at her full lips.  
Robbe knows that he drank a good amount tonight and usually he gets touchy and soft afterwards. 

But no, this is different, Robbe notices, this is hunger. 

Robbe knows exactly what’s floating in Jen's mind. He can read it in his needy eyes, his quivering lips and the way he holds her close against his body. 

He can see Jens longing for more than just holding her. 

Jens leans in and presses a soft kiss to Laura's lips.   
Robbe can clearly see every movement he makes.  
Jens plays with her, taking her lip in between his own and gently biting. Laura looks up into his eyes and smiles cheekily before kissing him.  
As soon as Jens opens his lips slightly to breathe, Laura pushes her tongue into his mouth. Feeling her tongue against his own makes him moan lowly. Laura's hands wander up, tangle in his hair and go back down.  
Jens grabs her ass roughly and pulls her closer. Growling deeply, Jens suddenly stops and takes Laura's hand.   
“Come with me.” He whispers into her ear and pulls her after him.

Robbe knew they would go to the place where no one would disturb them. 

There goes his best friend, leaving him all alone.  
Again.

He stared at their backs until they went up the stairs.

He checked his phone again.  
Nothing. 

He was about to press call and find out where Sander was at, when Marie came up behind him and hugged his shoulders.   
"Why are you here all by yourself?" She whispered, and then sat down next to him.   
"Jens is with Laura and the boys aren't back yet." He looked around like they would appear from the thin air.   
"They will be here soon, I just talked to Will. Where's your Sander?" She asked, looking very concerned.

My Sander isn't here. 

"I don't know. He had to be somewhere and he promised he would get here as soon as he could. So I'm waiting." He sighed, he was too tired already.   
He threw his head back.   
"Aww. Don't be sad, he will get here soon enough." Marie tried to cheer him up, didn't do any good for him, he just weakly smiled. 

Oh, how Robbe wished Sander would never go to that party later. 

They say in the comfortable silence until somebody put his hands over Marie's eyes and whispered:  
"Guess who!"   
Marie smiled, touched his hands and pulled him closer to her face so he could kiss her upside down. 

Willem sat next to her and pulled her towards him until she was literally sitting on him.

Robbe loved looking at them, so in love, so special.

He saw Moyo and Aaron going to the bar and drinking some shots. 

"Did you have fun without me?"  
Willem looked at her with so much adoration in his eyes, even Robbe got goose bombs.   
He really wished he could see what he and Sander look like from other person's perspective.   
"Yes. It was very good not to hear your dumb jokes for a little while." Marie teased, making the boy smirk then pouted.  
"You don't mean that!" He faked his sadness.   
"Yeah I don't. I mean - how can I get tired of looking at this face or hearing this sexy voice?" She touched his face with her palms, bent her head and kissed him so sweetly and so passionately.

Robbe never felt more like a third wheel than at that moment, not even when he was always in the middle of Jens's and Jana's relationship, spending every minute with them.

This was different kind of third wheeling, real, emotional.

Watching them together was making him feel sad and horrible, because he didn't have his lover here, next to him.

Their relationship is the one that will make you cry at night since you know you will never get it. 

Robbe got too lucky to have it too.

He'd be very happy if they had double date one time in the future. 

He needs to mention that to Sander. 

"Did you buy it at least?"  
Marie asked him when they pulled away.  
"Of course I did. That's why I was out in the first place." Willem crocked him eyebrows in confusion. Marie rolled her eyes at that.  
"Well you went out to buy a pizza that day too but I remember police man giving you a ticket for crashing to the stop sign and not getting any good back home."  
"How many times do you have to make me remember it?" He groaned and put his head down.  
"Until the day I die."

Robbe always went to the wrong places, on the wrong time.  
This wasn't an exception. 

He went out for a fresh air. 

But he really didn't know what he would see in there. 

He got too happy, to see his boyfriend's face. He was standing not so far away from the Robbe, just a few feet, and he was pretty sure Sander couldn't see him. 

But he wasn't alone. 

He was deep into the discussion with a girl.   
He couldn't see her face clearly but she had light blonde hair and probably was the same height as Robbe since her head was reaching as high as Sander's shoulders. 

He couldn't hear anything but whatever the topic was, must really cut Sander deeply in the heart since he threw his head back and Robbe could see he sighed and the girl looked like she was convincing him or pleading, Robbe wasn't sure.

Who was she anyways? 

They continued talking and as Robbe was about to call for him he froze in his spot.

Sander took a little step towards her, looked down, then up at her face.   
Put his hands around her waist, oh so slowly and softly. 

Robbe didn't have a good feeling.   
He ducked his head down slightly, at the same time the girl put hers up to meet him. 

No, he wouldn't, would he?

He did. 

Robbe swallowed and took a very shaky breath. 

His heart was about to burst out of his chest. 

That was it.  
Everything around him just crashed down. 

"Searching, hoping for something, a simple twist of fate.  
Yearning, hanging on a string.  
Why do I always do this to myself, Wait 'till we're running out of time." 

Fuck you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't kill me!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this chapter took so long to write but it's here!   
> As you might have already figure it out we're back in the "present time"
> 
> This whole thing was happening in the past.   
> If you're still confused and don't remember the time line I would suggest rereading the first chapter until "***" part! 
> 
> If you have more questions about it or just anything, feel free to ask me about it!   
> Again thank you for reading and so sorry for the wait! 
> 
> Share your thoughts with me!

The whole thing was mental and absurd.   
Robbe was mental to even think about going after Sander.   
But he was scared. 

So scared that Sander would try to do something stupid and even if he didn't understand the reason behind it, he hated how worried he got when he saw his messages.   
His whole body started trembling with fear, eyesight getting blurry.   
He just couldn’t shake the terrifying images out his head.

He felt like he was out of breath, like his world was slowly closing in on him.   
He was angry and confused. 

Robbe rubbed his arms, trying to get ride of the strange feeling he got every time his mind started to fade, like having ants crawling all over his skin. Wrapping his arms tightly around his legs again, he rocked back and forth, trying desperately to pretend things were back to normal.   
To pretend everything wasn’t gone yet.

Sander didn't have any right to tell Robbe that. 

No.   
It was time for Robbe to think, think about every damn time he swallowed Sander's lies, hoping that if he ignored it for now, Sander would tell him about them later.   
He hated how easy target he was and seemed for Sander. His boyfriend - or whatever he was now - treated him horrible, there was no explanation but that. All he needed now was thinking, clearing his mind, staying away from Sander. 

But the part of him which screamed "listen to your boy" was very hard to ignore.   
And he hated how vulnerable he was, how easy it was to ignore him, treat him like trash and as soon as Sander smiled at him, he would still follow him like a puppet.   
That's definitely wasn't right.  
Wasn't fair. 

How did they even get here? 

But Robbe couldn't shake the thought that were blaming some other things - anything, anyone - for Sander's behavior but him. 

Everything was fine and perfect.   
What happened? 

Was any of it real or was everything Robbe's imagination? 

Has his relationship always being this toxic and filled with lies? 

Was this Robbe's fault? 

He saw the signs but Sander seemed so happy with him, all those things just didn't make sense. Not at all.

They bought a fucking cat together for fucks sake. 

You just don't do that with person, you're going to break up with.   
The person you're going to cheat on.

Again.

There were a lot of emotions going inside him.   
The most dominant one after the anger was probably sadness. 

He imagined that whatever he was feeling is what it feels like to be dissolved in an atomic blast.   
To have the constitution of your very being stripped away, to feel it all on some level beyond the corporeal, to recognize you’re being speedily chipped away at but to be powerless to stop it. 

Yeah, it’s that kind of sadness. Out of body experience -sadness.   
The one you recognize it when you’re slumping to your knees, but you still don’t feel it. When you know the tears are biting your eyes, dribbling onto your cheeks, but you can’t feel the moisture or the sharp bite of your tear ducts catering to your emotions. When all you can feel, all that exists, the only thread holding you to yourself, is the sickening twist of darkness that seems to have taken the place of your liver.   
It’s a certain kind of darkness, one with tentacles.   
It’s greedy.   
It doesn’t settle for taking the place of an organ, it needs to have all of your organs, specially your heart and lungs.

He can’t breathe.   
The world is being torn to ribbons.   
All that exists is caustic pain and overwhelming numbness.

And of course we can't forget about the anger he feels burning in flames in every part of his skin.   
It surges, full forced and inexplicably red.   
He's hyperaware of every part of his body.   
His muscles strain like agitated dogs held back by a little too short chains, about to burst and ran forward with such a powerful force.  
Gongs are going off in his head. His entire being is a time bomb. 

Tick tock.  
Tick tock.  
He's ready to blow and take everything down with him. Coils of anger, unforgiving as barbed wire, tighten around his muscles and constrict.   
His throat - raw and his voice sounds like shredded meat. 

He definitely needs to scream.  
His knuckles beg to be split, to experience the white hot pain and pleasure that comes with punching something very hard.   
Only to hurt himself.  
Yet again.

But when the anger slows down, the fear wakes him up.   
His heart’s thrumming in atonal rhythms.   
He clinches his fists, focusing hard on every thought that whizzes through his mind, each screaming for attention, demanding their time in the spotlight. He tries to swallow, but his throat has twisted shut. 

His palms are clammy. His sternum is enigmatically heavy, as though it had suffered a physical blow.   
Sickening nausea twists up inside his gut. 

Is he the one who is making all that sound?  
Why is he breathing so loud? 

He unfortunately can't escape the jealousy, the emotion which always follows him everywhere he goes. The fragile venules webbing under his skin, the thick arteries and veins attaching his heart to his limbs, the tiny capillary beds acting as transits, they all flow with a feeling that is rotten green.   
He can feel the Green eyed monster squeezing him up, making itself at home. 

And why shouldn’t it be at home? 

It’s as much a part of Robbe by now, as any of his organs. 

However, sometimes it produces more green, sometimes it creates more rot and sometimes it screams louder than others.   
And today, its scream is   
screaming is deafening.

Like Robbe.

Doubt surrounded him at all angles. 

A problem you can momentarily ignore but cannot beat. 

Life looked hopeless to the lonesome child.   
How long can he keep this up? 

Being ignored when he was offering his best. 

Was his best not enough? 

Does his efforts even matter anymore? 

A great loss in companionship is what he faced, an empty heart burdening him. 

Slowing him in his every move. 

Robbe's sinking further into the depths on an ocean on instability. 

The whole situation felt like he was drowning, his tears creating the very waters that presented danger to him. 

He doesn't want to be ignored anymore.

He wants to feel alive, because he is alive. 

But he feels so drained of positivity, he feels like he's already laying in his grave. 

It's as if he's just waiting for the dirt to cover him and remove him from existing. 

To disappear without a sound. 

Who will cry?  
It's a good question.

It's late already.   
The night is usually the time where everything feels different but it's still the same.   
The time where everything feels sincere and intimate.   
The time where reality somehow falter.   
The time where people release the sorrows residing in their hearts.

The time where the heartbroken, lonely and loved are awake.

And maybe Robbe's all of those things.

It's late and even after all this things Robbe can only think and see one thing, one look his lover always gives him. The look when Sander looks at him like Robbe can move mountains, when all he can ever do is try to climb them. 

Hell, Robbe's not even sure if he can even reach the top.

Robbe loved that boy.  
He loved him a little too much. 

Sander also loved him too. 

Robbe gave every love he could give him.   
And Sander accepted every bit of it.

Robbe felt it.   
Robbe saw it.

Robbe felt it with his soft and gentle touches.   
He felt it when his lips were laced to his owns.  
He felt it when the both of them were all snuggled up at the breezy nights in his house.   
He felt it when their hands were intertwined together.

Robbe saw it with his loving stares and gazes.   
He saw it when he sings songs every night to help him fall asleep when they are spending the night together and even if they aren't, he still does it, over video call.   
Robbe saw it when Sander smiles at the silly things he does.   
He saw it when he laughs at his lame jokes, trying to make Sander laugh and succeeding in it.   
Robbe saw it when he's always been there to give Robbe his proud smile at the little and big things he does

He's always seen it and it was one of the most beautiful things he had ever laid his eyes on.

In the end it didn't matter what Sander did. Since Robbe felt like he'd always go back to him.

Do you know the feeling of going to different places, and seeing the beauty it has to offer, discovering all these different things you never really knew and never cared about in the first place, but you grew to love them eventually?   
But at the end of the day, you will always want to go home, because it's home after all. 

Yeah, that's what it feels like for Robbe. 

And he hates himself for that. 

That's when he found out that he could get homesick for people too.

It was wrong to even think about him right now, but Robbe really couldn't help it.  
He needed to make sure the person he loved the most was safe and sound, was okay.   
And he knew that he mustn't be. 

He could feel it. 

He would get his explanations later, he would make sure of that but now all he needed to do was to see his face, maybe even last time, since he had no idea how their conversation would go. 

But he wasn't ready.   
He never will be. 

He called and called but of course, there wasn't any answer. 

He biked straight to his house, heart pounding out of his chest, mind numb, hand shaking as he barged on the door, kept yelling his name over and over again, begging him to open the door, to let him in. 

All he always wanted was for him to let Robbe in. 

Nobody was in there, light out, silence overpowering the whole house, but he didn't give up, he didn't stop until his knuckles started to swelling, until his throat started hurting from the screaming, until he felt completely alone and until his mind went to the very dark place.

But instead of panicking he decided the smartest thing right now would be to call Sander's mother. 

With his shaky hands, he managed to pull the phone out of his jacket's pocket, almost dropping in on the ground, searching her name through his contact, and pressing the call button. 

She didn't answer on his first try but he tried again, and when the second call was about to end, Robbe finally heard her voice. 

"Oh, Robbe, Hello."

He really didn't have any time for chit chat and small talk.   
The way her voice sounded so calm but a little surprised of why her son's boyfriend must be calling him, told Robbe that she had no idea.   
No idea of where Sander was, who he was with, what he was doing.   
And it was probably for the best. 

"H-h-hi." He choked back.

Fuck. He needed to control himself. Now wasn't a great time to scare her, specially if she wasn't at home.

He would handle it.  
He hoped to, at least. 

"I'm so sorry to b-bother you. It's just u-um, I-I, uh, S-Sander asked me to come to the house and he's not here and he's not answering my texts and I-I, I was just wondering if you knew where he was." 

"Fuck, Robbe.   
Control it.   
Don't scare her off." He told himself. 

"Oh no! He's not answering? I'm out of the town right now, I forgot to tell him that this morning but I talked to him a few hours ago, right before he was about to go to his appointment."

Yeah, I talked to him then too.

"His phone probably died or something, please don't worry. Maybe he went to my place? I will check there and I will text you as soon as I'm with him."

The only thing he wished was for that last sentence to be true, he wanted nothing more than being with Sander right now.

"Oh please do, my dear! I'd be very grateful."

"Okay, I'm again so sorry to interrupt you."

"No, no! I'm glad you told me and let me know if you find him and if you don't, I will come back as soon as I can. I also try not to bother him about disappearing a lot but I can't help but get worried of course."

He always keeps disappearing, isn't he? 

But Robbe keeps finding him. 

He will find him now too. 

"Y-yeah, yeah! I will text you when I see him. Thank you, again and sorry. I'm sure there is nothing to worry about."

Oh how Robbe wished what he said was true. 

Where the fuck was he? 

Last time, he gave Robbe a hint, a clue.   
But he reread the messages thousands of times but he had absolutely no idea where he could go. 

He got on the bike and just started searching though in their spots. 

If Sander wanted to be found, he must be here, somewhere, at the place Robbe knows about.

He went to his university, searched though the whole territory, but nobody was there.

Deciding he needed a little rest to clear his thought, he stopped. 

Sit against a old wall, half swallowed by darkness, his brown eyes stared a invisible point, far ahead of him.   
Already dried tears stained his cheeks and his hair strand darkened his face, threw great shadows in front of his eyes.

He looked like a dead man.

He stayed there, twisted like a beautiful devil, eyes in the void, without moving.   
His chest raised as rhythm of his respiration.  
A sigh passed the barrier of his lips and they moved without him realizing it, whispering "where are you?" over and over again.

When he got to the spot Sander first introduced Michael to him, he swallowed hard, wishing, that day never happened. 

That day was the day when everything started going horribly for them.

Or maybe it was already going down and the day just pushed them a little harder?

Robbe doesn't know but he will figure out.   
Eventually. 

He then thought of something but decided against it. 

It would be the last chance and he'd do it if he was completely hopeless and unable to find Sander. 

He felt weird, looking for him like he did so many months ago, as if nothing has changed after that. 

As if their relationship still was standing at the same place it was when they first started dating, but Robbe thought that they have come so far from it.

He guessed he was unfortunately wrong about that statement. 

Robbe didn't know why but the next place he thought about was the bar, their bar. 

And as much as he hated going in there, he felt like he needed to check, he forced his legs to start working but in the end it was no help.

All for nothing.

Nobody was there, the whole place was in absolutely dark silence, you couldn't even hear the slow wind blowing around you. 

He looked around. 

They tried going in here a few times before but Robbe never was able to walk in, never was able to get those horrible images out of his head, never was able to move on and not think about that time. 

His body healed, there wasn't any spot that had a scar or some kind of reminder of what happened but his heart hurt every time he remembered. 

And now he was standing here and he didn't know his heart would hurt more when he revisited this place but it did, now it hurt more than ever.

And he was alone.

And he hated himself for that.  
He hated Sander for making him feel this pain and just getting away with it, he hated how worried he got even after what kind of behavior he had to accept from him, all those lies, lack of attention, claiming that he was turning himself into Britt, scared that he'd push Sander away if he questioned them. 

So he accepted everything, anything he could get and all this time he knew it wasn't healthy, for any of them but he couldn't shake the feeling that he'd lose him if he started getting into his personal life too deeply, so Robbe let Sander do anything he wanted.

And he was happy, he was beyond words happy when Sander started having new friends, when his work was going great, when he was feeling better and better and Robbe couldn't ask anything more. 

He was taking everything day by day, minute by minute but sometimes you got to think about the future too. 

They built all those things and dealt with them each day but they never thought about what kind of consequences they would have in the future. 

Robbe swallowed everything for temporary happiness, and the problems got put on each other and built the whole building and Robbe felt when it started shaking, stared warning him it would collapse and when it did, the whole earthquake happened.   
Of course Robbe blamed himself.

He blamed himself more than he blamed Sander, since non of this would happen if he confronted him, if he finally spoke up, if he said that whatever the hell they were doing in the relationship wasn't working, if he made Sander talk about the stuff that was bother him, instead of making him shut down more, they wouldn't be in this place. 

He respected Sander's personal life,space and choices and he never wanted to make him feel uncomfortable, so he always let the other boy speak when he wanted or needed to. And it always worked out great, until now.

He figured out that sometimes you have to force someone to open up about it because the things they are going though are bottling up and hurting them. 

He had to made him talk when he had the chance. 

Robbe had no idea why Sander did what he did, but if he trusted anyone in the fucked up world it was Sander and he knew he would have a good explanation for it.   
If he didn't, it means that everything was a lie.

And no matter how much Robbe doubted his lucky ness and Sander's feeling about him, just because it was too good to be true, he knew deep down that the boy loved him a lot, and he would never do anything to cause him any pain.

He believed in that.   
He had faint in that. 

If he believed anything, it was Sander and his feelings about him. 

He just had to find where he was, if he was okay, if he was alive.

Fuck. 

All he can think about when Britt told him, the day he decided to visit him in the hospital only to found out he left the place, that she hoped he wouldn't do anything stupid. 

After that he couldn't shake the thought of Sander doing something bad to hurt himself.

He had three fears. And all of them were about that boy he loved more than himself.

One was Sander leaving him, figuring out that Robbe wasn't the person he needed or wanted, figuring out that he wasn't as perfect as he imagined him to be, Sander getting tired of him, moving on, leaving him in the dark for the rest of his life. 

Second and third were connected to each other.   
Sander hurting himself and doing it because of Robbe.

He would hate himself forever if he caused Sander any pain. 

But he seemed to ignore the times when Sander hurt him. Only because he loved him a lot. 

It wasn't healthy.   
And they would talk about it.

Robbe doesn't care if Sander wants to discuss it or not, Robbe will make him.

They will sit down and talk about everything.   
Talk about Sander's issues, his inner demons, what can be done to erase them or make them stop hurting him for a while.   
And they will talk about how shitty Sander has been treating Robbe for the past few weeks. 

They will talk about it and they will get though everything. 

Only if Sander still wants Robbe of course. 

Robbe cringed at that thought, his hair stood up, got goosebumps all over his body. 

All those things would come, but only if and when he found Sander. 

He wasn't with him right now and he felt scared and hopeless. 

"Fuck it." He mumbled and started calling the only person he didn't want to call.

It rang four times before Michael answered. 

"Robbe?"  
"Let me save you some time and ask you why I'm calling you in the first place. Is Sander with y-you?"

He remembered vividly when Michael first contacted him, asking the same question.

Oh how the tables have turned. 

"Sander? U-um.."

"Spit it out!"

"No! He's not here. I-I haven't seen him all day."

"If he's with you right now and you're lying to me, help me god I will - "

"No! no! I swear I'm not with him, but I think I know who he might be with?"

"Who?"

Robbe knew who.

"My sister? Wait let me call her and I will tell you if they are together."  
He hang up before Robbe could open his mouth. 

Sister. 

How did he never noticed it before? 

All those times Sander talked about her, but he always said not so great things about her, what changed for him to go out and put his tongue down her throat. 

Michale texted him two minutes later, claiming that they weren't together at the moment. 

Robbe didn't know if he was relieved or more worried. 

Where would he go?

He read his messages again and again but nothing, until his mind went mad. Sander said that breathing was hurting him, one of the first times Robbe saw Sander in that situation they were together, in the hotel.

Robbe has never ridden a bike faster than that. 

As Robbe rounded the corner and headed along the street that would take him there, he had an odd feeling, as if he had forgotten something, or there was something that he just hadn’t noticed. 

Just about the time he started to be fully aware of the feeling, he began to hear music.   
Not from any one direction, but swelling slowly into being all around him.   
It was the ominous orchestral type of music, all minor chords and steadily driving violins with swelling wind instruments, and then a choir of voices started singing—or, really, more like chanting—in Latin.   
Robbe sighed heavily, hanging his head as he coasted a bit, and then lifted his head and said in the sort of stern voice one might use to chastise an unruly dog, “Knock it off! My mind is just playing tricks on me!”

The music stopped after his first sentence, as if cut off with a knife.   
Robbe shook his head and pedaled a little more.   
Softly, almost unnoticeable at first, the violins started to swell into their minor keys of warning.  
Huffing out a shorter, sharper growling sigh, he almost shouted, “I’m serious, stop it! No! Find someone else! I’m not participating! Go away!”

The music stopped again. This time, even after several more minutes, it remained silent. 

The only sound he could hear after that was a nice breeze ruffling the trees’ newly green branches and his hair. 

A dog barked excitedly in the distance, sounding as if it was probably chasing a ball or having some kind of fun.   
The tension that had been growing previously dissipated completely.

The night was beautiful.  
And deadly.  
Oh so deadly.

He felt something vibrating and he pushed the pedal with such a big force he almost fell. 

Hoping that it was Sander finally calling him back, he took it out but almost threw it in the streets when he saw Jens name. 

He was about to continue but decided to just let him know that he shouldn't be bothered right now.

He ignored other eight new messages he had and text him "I will call you when I can." 

Finally he rolled to a stop.

Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes and got ready to walk in.  
As ready as he could be.  
He got ready for everything, disappointment when he wouldn't be there, sadness and sorrow. 

Probably the one thing he wasn't ready for was actually finding him and seeing him here.

When he got there, there was a man at the register office. 

Robbe was panting, and was about to drop to the ground. 

He went there. 

"Hello. How can I help you?"

"H-hi. I'm sorry! I'm looking for my boyfriend. Uh. He must have booked the rooms here, can you check it for me?"

"I'm very sorry but I can't give you that kind of information."

"No wait! Please I really need to see him, you can even check it up on him, and ask him. Please! I'm begging you, tell me if he's here?" 

He didn't need to know which room he was in, he knew that already.

"I'm not sure boy! I could get fired for this."

"Please just make an exception for once."

Man was still rethinking the whole thing but after looking at Robbe's desperate face, he gave in and started looking for the name he gave him. 

Robbe almost did a victory dance right there.

"Yes. He's here and he's - "

Robbe didn't let him finish, he yelled out a "thank you" and ran to the stairs.

As he was getting closer to the door, he got more and more nervous. 

Robbe wasn't ready for what he would see when he walked in.   
He never would be.   
That memory will hunt him for the rest of his life. 

He opened the door.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter might be a triggering for some people and I recommend rereading the tags and make sure you are okay with everything I mentioned in there. 
> 
> Please always be safe, there are people who love you!

All Robbe could hear when he walked in was the water pouring down from the bathroom. 

The room was a complete mess, all the pillows and blankets were thrown all over the floor, some glasses shattered, and some weird looking things Robbe didn't pay them any attention now.

The was an empty bottles of vodka laying on the bed, and Robbe swallowed hard when he saw them from the corner of his eyes. 

He walked inside, instantly gettin crushed by the memories he spent in here in his past, all those loving stares and desperate breaths he took out of his heart and laid it down in here, kept it hidden in this cage, he called the room. 

Somehow they always managed to come back to this room.  
They were also suppose to get married here too, weren't they?

All those thoughts were so far gone by now.  
Robbe wasn't sure they would even survive this night, for him to start thinking about the future, especially about the day they would tie the knot.

How did they even get here?

This room was definitely cursed, it was haunted for both of them. 

It held so many horrible memories and so many good ones at the same time, Robbe didn't even know how that was possible.

They moved on with almost everything bad in their lives, but the destiny wanted them to go back at the same place they started everything. 

Robbe didn't think that they would survive all those things all over again, and he was terrified. 

He was wounded.  
All of him.  
He was broken and his ego was as well. 

He wasn't living, he wasn't surviving.  
He just was.  
A body at this point. 

He was a body, in pain, and lost. Forced to take himself out of the world he'd created and face the reality he'd been avoiding for months.  
He finally reached numb.  
He relished in it.

He felt his phone vibrating but couldn't move a muscle to touch it, to make it stop, since he didn't want to hear anyone's voice.

He didn't want to deal with them, or the shit. 

Everything hurt, and he wanted the constant ache to stop. 

He attempted to move so he could check if the boy he loved and hated at the same time right now, was here, not safe and sound but at least breathing. 

He took a few steps and tried not to look at the things around him, went to the bathroom door, touched the handle, breathed in and breathed out slowly and carefully, wanting to slow down his heart beat and not managing it. 

He twisted the handle and closed his eyes as he opened it, debating still, not wanting to see what was happening in there. 

He didn't open them for almost a minute, endeavoring to get as ready as he could, for anything that the life would throw at him. 

He was always trying but somehow it was never enough. 

He was thrown on the ground every damn time.

Sander was definitely here. 

Sitting in the shower, water overflowing around him probably because he was blocking the drain. 

Fully clothed and alone.

So fucking alone. 

He was sitting against the wall, with his knees up, his hands resting on them, his head thrown back, water pouring down on his face and clothes, his hair completely wet on his forehead, eyes shut, blueish lips parted slightly, his face white as a ghost, unfocused, just sitting. 

Not moving a muscle. 

Robbe gasped, his eyes getting wide. 

What should he do now? 

He walked to him slowly, not caring about getting wet himself, shivering and letting out a little scream when he felt the freezing water, shocking him alive, sending the shivers down to his spine and his whole nerve system. 

He turned the water off, getting his jacket and hair wet in the process too. 

Crouching down in front of the boy, his whole knees getting in the water that has been collected together since it had nowhere to go, hesitantly taking his hands and caressing Sander's unwelcoming cheeks from the cold, seeing the tear stains being still visible even after the water pouring down his face.

His boy has never been this cold, not even when he was ignoring him, turning away from him, he was always warm, even when he didn't want to be touched, hugged, kissed, loved. 

"What happened to you?" Robbe whispered against his face, desperate, staring at him so intensely as if this action would make the answer magically appeared. 

He tried to wake him up, make him gain some conscious. 

The freezing boy wasn't reacting to any of it.

Robbe got a little panicked after a few moments.

"Sander, hey, Sander!" He raised his voice a little, delicately slapping his checks. 

Absolutely no reaction. 

Was he even breathing?

He tried to put his hands on his pulse, checking it, and got even more freaked out when he could barely hear any. 

He started shaking the boy's shoulder violently, screaming his name all over again. 

The boy in his arm was so limp and lifeless, when Robbe pushes him from the wall towards him, Sander's head got thrown back almost instantly, Robbe nearly didn't manage to catch it before it hit the wall. 

Sander wasn't reacting to any of the things around him. 

He was numb.  
Numb to everything. 

Robbe this time hit him in the face so hard to wake him up, the boy gasped and started rapidly coughing. 

Robbe breathed out a shaky breath he didn't know he was holding. 

He tried to catch Sander and hold him in the place but he wasn't able to as the boy was trembling so fast and hard, he couldn't get his grip on him.

  
"Sander, Are y-you alright now?" He whispered so quietly that he was hundred percent sure the boy didn't hear him at all. In spite of everything, he took his face in his hands, trying to get a better look at him and when he looked deeply in his eyes, which were still unfocused and wasn't sure what was going on, he realized.  
"The fuck, Sander! Are you high?" 

Saying that aloud, made the statement much more serious and real.

He was high, as high as somebody probably can get. 

And he knew it wasn't the weed. 

The fuck was he thinking?

He felt his eyes getting wet as he tried not to choke on his next words.

"What are you trying to do? Kill yourself?" 

Hearing that words made Sander widely open his bloodshot eyes.

He tried to move his head to look around but Robbe didn't let him, holding it tightly in one place to not stop looking at his face. 

Not giving him any chance to hide away. 

Sander started shaking his head.  
  
For a fleeting moment Robbe forgot that he made Sander come back to him and got even more nervous. 

What if he was about to die. 

What would happen if he wasn't able to find him?

Or didn't look for him in the first place?

Sander looked so far gone already when he found him. 

In silence, the voices in his head had gone, the throbbing of his heart silenced.  
His body felt like it wasn't his, he was a soul borrowing skin.  


"Why are you doing this? Huh? I thought you stopped. I thought you were clean."  
He felt as his mind and body started to get mad. 

Sander gained some power in his hands and pushed distracted Robbe's hands away from his face and blurted out a little whimper of:  
"G-g-o a-away!"

Robbe almost didn't hear him.

"W-what?"

Sander tired to look anywhere but at him.

"I-I said, go away! I d-don't need you here! Not anymore."

Robbe was too angry to hear "you weren't there when I needed you" in his words.

He got up and looked down at his still lifeless body. 

He swallowed hard, starting at his face intensely, his body going on fire, his legs shaking.

"Fuck you!" He didn't hold anything back. 

He felt Sander's tremble and shiver before he even saw it. 

He probably really thought that Robbe would go and leave him alone to die.

No, he wasn't going to hold back anything now. 

"Fuck you, Sander!  
Fuck you for doing this to me.  
Fuck you for doing this to you.  
And fuck you for doing this to us."

He felt his own tears trailing down on his face, stopping at his chin. 

He took a shaky breath.

He was doing that a lot lately. 

"Where did you get it?" 

His question was left unanswered, as he was expecting it.

He didn't give up.

"How much of this have you taken today? I-I thought you were done with this. Do we need to hire you a fucking home nurse and lock it up?"

He saw how Sander shut his eyes, breathing deeply and loudly. 

"Are you ever going to stop hurting yourself and others?  
Hurting me?  
Did I do something wrong Sander?"

Sander shook his head so gently that it was almost unnoticeable. 

"Then why are you punishing me? Why are you torturing me? Why are you doing this to me?  
Do you want me to disappear out of your life? Do you want that?  
You don't want me anymore, don't love me anymore and want to get rid of me? If that's the case, It would hurt much less if you had some balls to say it in my face and not doing all whatever this is to make me hate you! What to you want from me Sander?  
I'm trying my best, I'm there for you, I love you, I try to understand you as best as I can, I try to not notice all your lies since I know how much it upsets you when I ask about stuff you don't want or aren't comfortable enough to talk about, I try to wait for you to talk to me first, for you to open up, for you to ... fuck." 

He wanted to stop, swallow all his feeling and do his best at helping him right now but he couldn't, not until he finally let everything out.  
And he didn't stop.

He didn't stop for a while.

He started pacing and throwing his arms out.

"I don't know what I did to make you act like this. And you know what? Nothing that happened, would have, if you only opened your mouth and talked to me about it.  
I thought we're already moved on from that problem. Nothing you're gonna say will make me see you any less than you are, I love you. Which part of it you don't understand? That means that we take care of each other, that means that we're there for each other, there to talk about very dark little secret, every fear, every horrible inner demons that are creeping on you at night and not making you fall asleep, that means that we're there.

And you had done none of it in the last few weeks or maybe even months. 

I don't want a fucking therapist and psychiatrist to only listen to me, I want a fucking boyfriend, the love of my life to finally understand that I want to be with him, and I want to deal with everything he has to offer, bad or good, terrifying or exciting.  
I'm not gonna be running away when I hear them, no, instead I will be there, holding you in my arms, caressing your hair, helping you relax to finish talking about what's been bothering you. And you don't let me! And you know what, Sander? You don't have any right to forbid me that, prevent me from doing what I want, which is to fucking listen to you, you piece of shit, you who I can never stop thinking about, you who I love so deeply that I'm about to cross any boundaries that I have made, I'm ready to lose myself completely if that means I get to help you, I'm ready to not believe in everything I believed in, I'm ready to fucking lose the piece of myself, swallow everything just to see you happy, ready to do anything you want, ready to fucking kill myself if that means you will smile. And it's not healthy.  
Fuck no! It's anything but healthy. I lost the price of myself because of you, and I want to get it back.  
I'm not going to be such a obedient boy anymore, I want answers and I want the truth so that's what we're going to do now and that's how the whole thing will go down: I'm gonna take care of you, you will let me. You're gonna have some rest and after that we're you're back to as normal as it's possible, you will tell me everything.  
I would say something like "or I'm gonna walk away though that door right now." But we both know that's not the truth, I'm not giving up on us and I'm not letting you do that too.  
We're gonna work though everything together, and I'm not going to hold our whole relationship on my back alone anymore.  
Both of our backs needs to be swollen.  
So now, if you don't have any questions, let me do my job."

He was breathing so hard, he felt he was going to drop on the floor.  
Sander was silent.  
But Robbe didn't care, he didn't need any words. 

Robbe approached him again, squatting in front of him so he could look him in the eye.  
"This person, is not you.  
I know you're hurt, angry, in pain, probably a little depressed, all of this is normal. You are not alone though.  
No matter what you think, or feel about it, you are not alone. I think I mad that pretty clear already." After yelling his voice got pretty tired and fucked up and he said all of this a little more softly. And then sighed at him.  
Sander remained stone frozen blinking at him.  
"I'm still absolutely fucking mad at you but we're gonna discuss it later."

He got closer to him and noticed some things that he couldn't when he was in shock, trying to get the boy to wake up.  
"Fuck! Did you bathe in vodka?" His voice cracked but he corrected it.  
"Sander." He started over in a softer voice, noticing his yelling and reprimanding wasn't even phasing him at this point.  
"I know you don't believe in this but you're my soulmate and If something had happened to you, I would fall apart.  
I need you to take care of you. Not just for me, but for you. You've got to stay clear and focused.  
So many people love you, and need you to be all the things that you set out to be. This person, in front of me..." 

He couldn't do this right now.  
Not anymore.  
He was exhausted.

"Okay, we're gonna continued this later. Now, can you stand up?" Sander shook his head, and Robbe finally knew what to do, he took him in his arms and smiled sadly when he felt the boy wrapping his fingers around him, tightly afraid to let go and Robbe knew it wasn't because he was afraid of falling on the ground.

They walked out of the bathroom slowly, and Robbe laid him down on the bed. 

Robbe helped him take of his wet clothes that were clenched and glued to his body, mumbled a soft "arms up" and tucked him in the bed when he managed to take of his shoes and pants too. 

Not the first time he was laying there naked and probably won't be the last time either, since they were always coming back to this room.  
Maybe that's how it was suppose to happen anyways.

Robbe really wanted to believe that. 

He had no idea what to do now, how to take care of Sander's body.  
Would he get sick?  
Should he make him throw up?  
Did he throw up already?

He looked around the room one more time for a briefly seconds and when he looked back at the boy, he found out that he had fell asleep almost instantly and at the same time he put his head on the pillow.

Maybe he needed to leave him to sleep now. 

He was checking his pulse in every five minutes while he was cleaning the room up.

Robbe cleaned and opened the curtains to let the moon's white and sad light in. 

And when he finally had time to closely look around he found some very interesting and horrible things.

Like empty benzodiazepines capsules which he knew Sander used to help with manic episodes and withdrawal symptoms. He takes them pretty often so that's why he must have taken so much for it to "work" as he wanted it to.  
Probably trying to calm down his racing thoughts. 

He did a lot of research when he found out about his bipolar and knew what was happening, why and how. 

And he took ever more research when Sander told him about his drug addiction that got him in the rehab a few years ago.  
And he was scared, even if Sander was clean after that one time he hit so low in his life, that he would go back to his old self and hurt himself. He knew that people with mental illness are most likely to turn to drugs or alcohol out of an unconscious need to stabilize their moods. 

And they use sometimes pretty bad and addictive medicines for the treatment which can be used oppositely than what they are here for.  
And when they do they make the situation and this time the symptoms of bipolar disorder worse.

And Sander used it like that today. 

He also found some needles and he wasn't sure but probably methamphetamine. He could only guessed it since Sander told him that, it was the one that got him addicted. 

He fucking injected it. 

Robbe tried to not think about any of the horrible stuff racing though his mind as he tried to clean up everything as best as he could, and throw those shit out, drained them down the fucking toilet. 

About and hour into his frenzy he noticed Sander had barely moved, he just sat there, staring at him confused. 

Robbe walked over and squatted in front of him again, taking his hands in his.  
"Are you in there? Do I need to call an ambulance?"  
  
Sander shook his head no.  
  
Robbe knew why, it was as clear as the sky in august. 

If somebody found out about it they would sent him away, make him leave, take him away from Robbe and neither of them wanted that. 

He wondered when was his monthly "being clean" check and what he was going to do about it.

They would worry about it later together.

"Alright. Can you say something? Anything?"  
Robbe sounded hopeful and not angry even if he all he wanted to do was yell at him for being so careless and stupid again, he tired to control himself.  
He already did some yelling and let out some steam, he could wait for a while for Sander to get better and do it again after that.

Sander took a deep breath. "Robbe." He muttered.  
  
"What's up?" The brunet encouraged him to continue.  
  
"I'm going to throw up. Trash can." He pointed over at the basket in the corner of the room.  
  
Robbe blinked at him in surprise for a second and shoved the basket in his lap just as he lost the contents of his stomach.  
He wretched for a while after that, heaving up nothing. 

Robbe stayed still, his hand in Sander's hair but other than that, he wasn't sure how to really comfort him.  
He thought of things he'd do naturally but he wasn't sure what Sander would do in response. 

For the first time he felt like he didn't know him at all. 

He was actually unsure of what to do.  
  
Sander just seemed so fragile, he didn't want to make it worse. He just patted his back as best he could.  
Whispering encouragement words to him in his ear.  
"There you go baby, you're gonna be just fine. That's great. You need to get it out, everything. Just get it out."  
He spoke softly but still a little stern.  
He didn't mask his concern though.  
  
Sander's breathing was ragged, he sniffled a lot in between heaving.  
His eyes were watering, Robbe was pretty sure he was crying but he wasn't even going to mention it. 

He was sure he was hurting, and not just physically.  
He needed to get so much out of him.  
  
"Can you hold this? Or do you think you're done for now?" Robbe asked quietly letting him take hold of the basket.  
He stood up, his legs had gone to sleep, so standing felt weird. He shook his legs out, and walked towards the bathroom. 

Sander hardly even glanced at him.  
  
When Robbe returned he had a cool wash cloth and some water. 

He rubbed his face with the cloth and the back of his neck. After a while Sander started to shake.  
He was sweating, irritated. 

Honestly seemed like withdrawal but that wasn't likely considering.  
He put the water to his mouth and had him drink it.  
"Do you want me to help you to the bathroom or anything?" Sander just nodded his head no.  
  
"Nah, come on. You need to at least try, and brush your teeth. I'll help you. I promise."  
Robbe tried to sound reassuring and not give any hint about how it was killing him to see the person he loved in this state.  
  
"Fine." Sander breathed out a a little annoyed and pitifully.

Robbe decided to ignore that and helped him to his feet, helping him steady. 

"Should of prepared better huh!" Sander chuckled to himself mostly. 

He led him to the bathroom, handing him a new toothbrush and toothpaste he found in the cabinet turned the water on for him.  
"Here, do this and I'll be right back okay." 

While he left the room, he hurriedly tried to get back to getting rid of the needles that Sander used before Robbe noticed that he woke up.

He tried not to gag at them when he finally threw them out.

Then wandered back to the bathroom. "Going okay?"  
  
Sander was somehow still brushing his teeth. "Mmhmmm" He garbled over the toothbrush in his mouth, before spitting in the sink.

He then took a soap in his hands and started to wash Sander's face with it.  
He explained what he was doing and why he was doing it.  
How he was doing it.  
He knew Sander was so fucked up he'd have to re-explain it all again tomorrow but it felt like the right thing to do.  
Sometimes he'd respond normally, other times he'd just stare at him. 

Robbe wasn't sure if he was riding out the liquor at this point or the pills, or the drug. 

Dammit he intended to find out. 

He'd be there when Sander would finally come back to him, and he'd get the answers he needed.  
  
Robbe hadn't actually planned out how to get him clean, seeing as how it took him fifteen minutes to brush his teeth, and he can't even stand up. 

There was no seat in the shower, nor a tub to fill.  
  
He undressed, and folded his clothes up on the counter. Turning on the water he got in letting himself adjust accordingly.  
"Alright, you help me out here." He hoisted him up and helped him into the shower, and propped him up. He took the shower head and sprayed him all over. "Water feel okay?"  
  
"Mmmhmm." Sander mumbled. He took a deep breath and sighed, resting his head against the wall. "R-robbe, I'm so-orry."  
  
"Don't worry about that right now. How are you feeling?"  
  
"Like s-shit."

"Wasn't expecting anything else." Sander actually chucked at this and Robbe felt a little proud, a small smile appearing on his face. 

"Yeah, guess you wouldn't want just anyone scrubbing you down huh?"  
  
"You know I only want you."  
  
Robbe really wasn't sure about that but decided not to comment on it and say anything.

"Well, I'm honored to have this privilege."  
  
Sander snickered as did Robbe. 

Sander mumbled something Robbe couldn't even make out. Closing his eyes as his head rested back on the wall.  
Robbe started working the soap into the sponge. "You awake?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"So what do you think you want for dinner?"  
  
Robbe was trying to keep him taking.  
He really didn't need him to fall asleep or even worse right now. 

He started with his arm, grabbing his hand, starting with his wrist he lathered the soap up his arm to his shoulder and back down, making sure to get all of his long arm, he traced the sponge along his collar bone, cleaning his neck and working his way over his other arm. The water cascaded down over him gently, just enough to keep him warm but not enough to get the soap off yet. He worked the sponge over his chest, down his stomach, stopping at his hips, he traced back up, getting his left side, and back down, back up, slowly getting his right side. He moved around to help get his back, he pressed himself against him to help him stabilize.  
  
Robbe felt the boy relaxing against his body.

The fog in Sander's head finally starting to erase a bit. 

The water felt good, the shower it's self felt good. 

And of course Robbe's hands on his skin felt good.  
Everything just felt good.  
He just let himself enjoy it. 

Robbe had him almost in a hug, his arms under his own, helping him to not fall over while he cleaned his back.  
He let his fingers work over his back, pressing into the tissue, kneading his muscles. He unhooked one arm, so he could focus on his neck with it and the other hand kept tracing deep patterns into his flesh.  
Sander sighed almost a moan. "Feel good?" Robbe asked casually.  
  
"Y-yeah". 

Robbe kept working his hands over him, helping him lean back against the wall again.  
Those hands began to trail back down his arms, working those muscles as well.  
He let his hands knead over his chest, rubbing circles into his pecks and rub gently over his stomach.  
He did it slowly, letting the soap be the massage oil, he worked it into his skin, as his fingers trailed over him, he decided to massage his hands a bit before, dropping to his knees, and picking the sponge back up.  
  
"Robbe."  
  
"What?" He asked as he began lathering soap again.  
  
"I always knew when we would come back in here you'd be on your knees." Sander started sarcastically trying to make light of what was happening. 

Robbe rolled his eyes.  
He knew this tone.  
This was the one of Sander's tone and voice when he finally clears his head and tries to make the situation less awkward by saying some jokes or inappropriate things, trying to change the subject, trying to make it seem like nothing important or horrible was happening.

Robbe was too familiar with it and he got along with and let Sander took over and win every time he did it.  
  
"Yeah, yeah. I'm sure this is your dream come true. Now you can tell everyone Robbe gets on his knees for me as if they already don't know." He laughed, working the sponge over his right leg first. 

He started and worked up to his knee, he trailed the sponge over his outer thigh and ran it back down the back of his leg, slowly pushing it back up to go over the rest of his leg.  
He moved to the other leg, starting at his ankle he lathered his shin and calf slowly, watching the soap bubbles popping against his skin as the hairs on his legs mixed with them.  
He made his way to his thigh and again did the same thing on this leg too.  
He moved the sponge over his hips and across the space between them. 

Then He trailed his hands up his sides over his ribs as he slowly stood back up.  
"Hmmm, well that's disappointing." Sander mumbled quietly.  
  
"Hmmm? What?" Robbe asked confused.  
"You know what."

He decided to not make any comments about that too. 

  
He sprayed the water into his hair, and then grabbed some shampoo.  
  
Robbe started working his fingers into circles on his scalp. Rubbing hard, working the shampoo into a thick lather. He used his nails, scratching his scalp lightly but just perfectly. 

His hair was still so soft, Robbe never wanted to let go.  
Sander hummed in bliss at the sensation.  
There was no denying it felt great. 

Then he washed it and when he thought that he was completely done he asked.

"You ready to get out? You feel okay? You've been standing for a while." 

Robbe couldn't help but not let go of him, scared that if he did he would just crash on the floor.

Not just because he was tired.

  
"Yeah, I'm good. I'm a lot less fuzzy, I drank way to much, took some extra meds and I-I ..  
did some pretty bad things."  
Sander was groggy at best but lucid. 

He didn't want to say that he got high, that he overdosed for the first time in years after been clean for so long, even if he knew that Robbe already figured that out.

Robbe could feel it.  
Sander was embarrassed and disappointed in his self.

He'd come down a lot from his drunken stoned stupor though it hadn't completely worn off. Robbe grabbed a towel, and wrapped it around his waist, stepping out of the shower.  
  
"You good? Need me to help dry you off or you got it?" He handed him a towel to start with.  
  
Sander grinned his bratty grin and raised his brow.  
  
"I think I need help."  
  
Robbe rolled his eyes at him, a little smile clearly could be seen on his face, but nodded in agreement. 

He finished what he was doing and then helped him get out of the shower. 

They were both avoiding the subject right now and trying to make jokes so Robbe would do that.  
"I'm glad you're not dead weight anymore at least.  
It was a bitch getting you in here."  
  
"I'm sure." Sander groaned.  
But then he got so serious.  
"I-I didn't mean to take too many." Robbe tired to stop him, wanting to say "we will discuss it later" but Sander didn't let him.  
"No, let me say it, I couldn't make it stop hurting.  
Everything I did made it worse, the meds weren't helping, because I'm a fucking addict and I can't control it.  
I didn't mean too. I actually got a little worried that I may have finally done it.  
I thought I'd die. Only because the pain finally went away.  
All of it.  
Just numbness." His voice trailed off as it cracked a little. He shook it off. 

Both of them knew he was lying, he meant to do it, he did it and he knew what and while he was doing it.

Robbe helped him lean against the counter before he crouched in front of him, toweling off his legs.  
  
Just like before he did it slowly, letting his fingers occasionally graze his skin as he worked up his body.

Then he helped him out of the bathroom into the living room. "You never answered me about dinner."

"You probably mean breakfast."  
  
His underwear which Robbe put close to the hearted with rest of his clothes were pretty dry right now and he helped him to get in it. 

He put on his clothes too and laid Sander down on the bed again.

"You cleaned up." The boy whispered after a while.

Sander meant to say "you saw."

"Yeah, I did." 

Robbe meant to say "yes, I saw."

"When are you going to talk about it?"

When are you going to make me talk about it?

"Not yet."

Not until you're okay.

"Okay." Sander mumbled and laid down again on the bed, trying to get as comfortable as he could, looked up at Robbe standing in front of him.

Robbe felt like giving in, it wouldn't hurt any of them.

He took off his shirt and pants, slowly crawl in the bed with him, took him in his arms and kissed his forehead.

He felt it drip on his chest, before he heard it.

Sander's whimpers and cryings while he tried to stay as silent and as quiet as he could.

Robbe didn't make a sound or said anything, he only tighten his grip on him. 

Before they got in the bed, Robbe turned off the lights. 

And the moonlight was shining through an open window. 

Sad and lonely. 

At least the couple in the room weren't alone.  
Not anymore.

They had each other. 

They were close but still so far away. 

Like a moonlight. 

Cold, bright, promising, terrifying. 

Somewhere on the under universe, they are also laying together, but instead of feeling like this, they are laughing. 

Sander is telling Robbe one of his dumb jokes and Robbe is laughing not because it's funny but because of the face Sander makes when he tells them.  
There are no place of tears, of pain. 

Only sound that was hearable was laughter. 

Robbe loved that universe and wished to be there.

He wishes that none of the things that happened here was real. 

No pain, no tears, no heart brake, nothing.

But they are here, together and they will come out stronger than ever after this, Robbe is sure.

And maybe that's how everything was suppose to happen in this universe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking about eventually writing the whole thing in Sander's pov too!  
> Would you like to see it?
> 
> Anyways, share your thoughts with me about the chapter and about literally anything you want! 
> 
> Seeing comments really makes me write chapters much more faster not gonna lie!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ummmm, hi!   
> I'm so sorry for how long this chapter took me to write, I explained it on my tumblr but I will mention it here too. When I write this story which is mostly based on my feelings and experiences, I have to relive all those emotions which are pretty hard and painful things to do so right after the last chapter, I just had to take a break. 
> 
> Anyways, this chapter is pretty long and I'm very proud of. I'm so curious about what you all have to say about it and also I promise the next chapters will come soon since my goal is to finish this story in this month.  
> (We will see how that goes.)
> 
> Don't forget to check tags since this chapter will probably be triggering and always be safe and remember that you are loved.

The thing that woke Robbe up was some very loud barging.   
His eyes opened by itself and he looked around confused, first thing that he saw - a boy sleeping, what seemed like, peacefully.   
Then he looked around and finally realized the door was making that sound, or more specifically, a person behind the door. 

He got up and put his clothes on and walked over, opening it and seeing the man from yesterday who gave him a "free" pass and an opportunity to walk up the stairs. 

"U-uh. Sorry to interrupt you, but I just need to check that everything is okay."

Robbe's still tired brain didn't manage to understand the question and went wild with thought that this person would call a police or an ambulance.

"W-what?"

He was close to start panicking before the man said that he was only here so he could check that the person who booked the room was okay with Robbe being there. 

"Oh, okay. He's - he's sleeping right now. Can you maybe come back later?"

"I already waited a lot. I hope you can understand, it's my job that I'm worrying about."

Yes, Robbe could definitely understand that, it wasn't that the worker cared about their well being, but his job.

In the end, everybody only cared about theirselves.

Almost everyone. 

"Okay, uh, can you give us a moment? I will wake him up."

"Alright."

Robbe thanked him and gently closed the door. He let out an exhausted sigh and looked at Sander who was still laying on the bed, barely moved since he left him.  
Robbe could clearly see that the boy was in a very deep sleep. 

Which would be a good thing only if he didn't have to wake him up.

He sat down next to his head and started softly shaking his body, while chanting his name like a prayer.

The boy grunted and turned his back to him, which made the brunet weakly smile. He put his hands on his shoulders and tried to lean forward to see his face.

"Hey. I know you want nothing more than sleeping right now but I need you to wake up."

The word "need" seemed to have some kind of weird effect on the boy and he mumbled something under his breath.

"What was that?" 

Sander laid on his back and slowly opened his eyes and looked up to Robbe.

"H-hi."

"Hi." 

They stared at each other silently for a moment until Robbe remembered that there was somebody waiting for them within the ten meters.

"I need you to listen to me very carefully."   
Robbe said way too seriously and he could see all the emotions that went on Sander's face.

He was pretty sure that the only thought running though his mind right now was "it's already starting. We've barely woken up and he already started talking."

There was a clear panic, sadness, fear and anxiousness. 

Robbe ignored them and tried to explain the situation until the boy would start freaking out.

"Are you hearing me?"

Sander barely nodded his head. 

"When I came here yesterday, the man at the register office wouldn't let me in but I managed to convince him but now he wants to check if you're okay with me being here. So can you just - "

"What?"

Robbe closed his eyes and started again.

"There is a man here who wants to - "

"I'm not deaf." 

Robbe just glared at him who sat up and looked at him right in the eyes. 

"You just need to get up and tell him that you're okay with me being here, unless you aren't."

He whispered the last part but he knew Sander still heard it, he could see it on his face.

When Sander was still debating and sitting still, he raised his voice a little.

"He's waiting, Sander. And if we just ignore him, I don't think that will make the situation any better."

He was about to start expressing how annoying Sander was behaving until the boy pushed the blankets off of his body and started walking towards the door.

"Sander!"   
He looked around and looked at Robbe with a raised eyebrow, as if asking "what do you want from me now? I'm doing exactly what you told me to do."

"Maybe you shouldn't go and see him while you're in only your underwear?"

He had a good point much to Sander's annoyance.   
Robbe picked his trousers and T-shirt and Sander literally snatched them from his hands and quickly put them on while trying to steady his body and he'd almost tripped and fell down on the floor only if the chair wasn't next to him to clutch. 

He rolled his eyes and walked out of the door and Robbe went after him but stoped when Sander aggressively closed it behind him and right in front of Robbe's nose. 

What was his problem anyways?

What we're they suppose to do now?

Robbe was so determined yesterday night but right now he was having a second thought about his "we're gonna work though everything" tactic. 

Would they get over this?  
Could they?

Was there a chance that they could go back to the place they once were? 

It seemed so unreal and impossible. 

Robbe felt like running, just jumping out of the window and never coming back. 

Which floor were they staying?

He sat down on the bed and started at the wall in front of him intensely. 

What the fuck is he suppose to do now?

Firstly, he's completely mad and upset, not just because of the last night but also because of the thing he saw that he doesn't even want to say it out loud but his mind is filled with such a filthy and terrifying memories from that night. 

All he wants to know is why, and then he will probably run away, as fast as he can, until his legs start aching, until his knees start shaking, until his head will burst out from his skull and his heart, his heart is already ripped out, what more could happen to it? 

He always asks that question and somehow the world makes him see that his heart could get more damaged.   
For how long?

Isn't all of it enough? 

What does the universe want from him now?

Was his life too easy? 

Was his pain not enough? 

Somebody is definitely laughing at him right now, somebody from the sky or from the ground.

It doesn't matter anyways. 

What does matter is that he's living in this stupid world and situation he can't get himself out of. 

What matters is that the boy will come back any second now and Robbe will get all the answers he needs. 

Does he want to know them? 

Probably not. But it has to happen. 

And what will he do after he knows? 

Should he leave?   
Leave Sander behind?

Make sure he's okay and healthy and just leave? 

Is that what the fucking universe or some sick puppet master want from him? 

There are too many questions and too many feelings. 

Unanswered. 

He has no idea how the things will work out but that's nothing new. Nobody knows anything in the end. 

Even if he doesn't know the person who was sleeping beside him last night, he still loves him to death.   
And he will always. 

He's ready to forgive, but he needs time and he can't fucking think when Sander is with him. 

"What does that mean?" He asked himself.   
Does that mean he's going to break up with him? 

Taking a time off? 

He doesn't want that at all.   
He isn't sure what he wants.   
But Robbe knows that he can't look at Sander same like before. 

Growing up, thinking like you were a piece of shit, having people abandon you, having nobody by your side when you need them, feeling like a burden, feeling like useless, being alone does that to you.   
He wants to understand it. Understand the reasons. 

When the things were too perfect, when he was too happy, he had a feeling, a horrible, almost deadly feeling that something would go horribly wrong. But after some time, he got used to being happy, he got used to feeling safe, that boy, who was standing out of the room, very close to him physically and very far away emotionally, made sure that Robbe would never feel lonely, made sure that he was loved and adored and Robbe got too fucking used to it.  
And when he pulled his guards down, destroyed his huge brick walls towering everything and everybody who wanted to get close to him, made sure that Sander knew what he was doing to him, and just was very happy, that's when the hell happened.  
The moral of the story is always the same : you shouldn't be too happy, never. That's doesn't work out. You don't deserve the happiness. 

But now he was still stronger than ever, and he knew, it was anything but his fault.

Knew, but didn't want to admit. 

Didn't want to leave this relationship alone, to be honest. 

Sounds toxic and so fucking pathetic but it's what it was.

He still believes that they are soulmates, deep in that fucked up mind, still hopes that everything will work out itself. 

In the end the hope is the only thing we have left, right?

Hope that something will change, will be alright. 

Hope that all the bad days are over, but when we realize that no, this is our life right now, we still don't lose hope, not for a very long time. 

But when we do lose them, it's the end of the world, we became numb, emotionless. 

Nothing cares and nothing ever will, and it's not just a faze as some people makes us believe, no it's a result, result of wanting to be happy like others, result of waiting and waiting hopeless, for something that will never happen. 

But we probably wouldn't talk about "others" since nobody knows what the person is going through behind the door, even closest people around you, they might be texting you nonstop but crying at the other side of the phone line. 

In conclusion, if somebody doesn't want to tell you, you will probably never find out. And the worst thing is that people expect to be heard without saying words, but they don't realize that even if we don't want to believe, our world turns around us, our minds, our dearly and ugly thoughts, our useless bodies. 

Nobody listens. 

And nobody will if we won't speak up. 

And we, desperately wanting and waiting for somebody to notice that we haven't been ourselves for months now, that we're falling apart by their feet, that we're slipping away, never speak. 

What should Robbe do now? 

He doesn't have a fucking plan. Doesn't have anything. 

Doesn't have his self. 

And he still believes. 

After everything he deep down, in the little broken corner of his heart, he still believes that he will just have to wake up and everything will be alright. 

Sometimes even if we loss a hope, we still have it. No matter how confusing that sounds. 

And it helps that he believes in alternative and parallel universes, because he's hundred percent sure that he's very happy somewhere. 

Maybe not here. But somewhere very far away. 

Where his pain doesn't exist and where his heart only beats to feel great and positive. 

To just be happy in general. 

If he loses that too, he will just die. All his thought, all his soul will just drop dead on the ground. 

But he wants to know why he isn't living there? Why is he stuck in this reality? Why couldn't they put him in a happy place? 

Will he ever get there? Is there a some kind of way to go and be there? He wants to know. 

Unfortunately, he never will. 

And he's so tired, so fucking exhausted.

Exhausted from trying to maintain and keep all his emotions, exhausted from putting a smiley face every time, exhausted from ignoring his personal needs and feelings. 

He felt a tear rolling down his cheek and quickly wiped it off. 

He just wants to scream, scream so loudly that the world he is living will explode and put everybody down with it, so loudly that everything will just disappear. 

So loudly that he will just disappear. 

His eyes went to the open window and three birds flying around in the sky.

Just flying. Maybe even playing a game? 

Or maybe they weren't being playful and they were running away? From this horrible place? 

Maybe Robbe and they weren't that different from each other after all. 

In the end everything is illusion and everything is the same thing. 

Oh god, what he would give to have an ability to fly. 

When people would ask them "what superpowers would he chose to have?" He would always say "mind reading" which would be a hell lot of helpful from time to time but now, he wants to change his answer. 

He'd give anything to just fly away right now.

Fly very far away, where nobody would find him, nobody would hurt his heart. 

What a dream come true. 

The door opened and his thoughts stopped working, the room finally got so quiet and awkward and sad. 

His mind completely shut down. 

He felt the bed's movement and the boy sat down next to him, their knees almost touching. 

Almost. 

Robbe shivered, and for the first time in his life, he didn't shiver because of the excitement, nervousness when he was with Sander.   
No, he shivered because of the consequences all this would have.

He shivered because he had absolutely no idea what the fucking world had settled for him. 

"What did he say?" Robbe asked finally, after six minutes of both of them being silent. 

He couldn't handle the upcoming conversation but he couldn't handle the silence more. 

Sander didn't answer him. 

Robbe could hear the curtain, how it moved against the window and the wind, slow, steady but ready to attack if the wind got aggressive. 

"I'm sorry." He heard Sander whisper and wanted to throw up after that. 

"Don't you get it? I don't want you to be sorry, I want you to be honest." He couldn't stop himself before saying that. 

He didn't need to be gentle and understanding right now. 

But it still felt weird saying the first things that was on his mind without the filter, not being afraid of hurting anyone's feelings. 

Sander gulped and Robbe felt his gaze on his face but didn't look back at him, couldn't. 

"What do you want to know?" 

Good question. 

"Everything. From the beginning. I think I at least deserve that." 

Robbe wouldn't knew but the first thing that Sander thought was "you deserve everything." 

"O-okay." He whispered. "I just want you to know and never doubt when I tell you, I love you. I love you so freaking much and I have never wanted to hurt you." 

At that, Robbe finally decided to look him in the eyes. "I know." 

Sander swallowed and Robbe sat more far away from him to look at his whole face but also to create some distance between them, Sander noticed. 

"I wished you were there for once." 

"What?" 

"That's what he said, Cole. On his last note. That's what he said to me before h-he - " 

It was going to be so hard and painful.   
He gave him a little nod. 

"I guess after that, I started isolating myself. I never had friends, scared that I wouldn't be enough from them and terrified that I couldn't help them. I haven't told you how he did - how he did what he did. He overdosed. And kind of left me that, "his job" to continue, so I did. After his death, I had a collapse, two months later.   
My parents found out, sent me to rehab." 

Sander has told Robbe about this, about the time he spent in that place. Trying to get over the fact that he had a bipolar, that everything would change after that, people around him would change their opinions about him, and also add this to death of his best friend was pretty rough. 

When he told him that, he thought that Sander was the strongest person he knew, and he still believes that. 

"After I got out, I stopped for a while but would start them again every time I had an episode, which was a lot. But I finally stopped for real. Well - until last night." Sander's expressions where clearly saying and showing how heavy this topic was for him.   
Obviously. 

Robbe was more interested in the story of why he had his fucking tongue down that bitch's throat but he guessed they would get to that. 

His mind started screaming at him, all the thoughts he tried to control about that party until this moment just came rushing and out of his head, spinning, controlling him and making him unfocused. 

He thought that he would never have to deal with getting cheated on and would have never imagine it happening again. But he still hoped that Sander would never do that to him, again.   
That it wasn't him that he saw, it was all a dream and only problem they had was his addiction getting back. 

Oh how wrong he was. 

He felt like Britt and that thought made him sick down to his stomach. 

He wanted to ask so many things but at the same time, didn't want to interrupt him. 

He decided to stay quiet. 

"I thought you left me and I got scared and I couldn't control myself." Seeing the look on Robbe's face made his eyes go wide and alert. "I'm not saying that it's your fault. No, it's all mine and I know that. I only wanted to love you but I don't think I know a proper way to do it." 

It was so hard to keep his month shut but Robbe was determined. 

"And I'm truly so sorry for everything that I did which hurt you. I never wanted that I hope you know that. I'd do anything to go back in time and undo all those but this cruel life doesn't work that way. And I'm so scared, terrified that you would leave me alone, which I know is selfish and egoistic but I can't help it. I know I have no right to tell you this and make you upset or guilty which you shouldn't be, just please don't give up on me yet, that's all I'm saying. My biggest fear was to lose you and we're standing on a thin rope right now which I'm cutting and   
making both of us fall down. And I - god, I - " 

He rubbed his face and looked so devastated that for a second Robbe wanted to completely threw this conversation out of the room, put it behind them, hug him and reassure him that everything would be okay. 

For a second he was sure, he'd do it. 

Sander had his hands over his eyes or else he would see how Robbe almost put his fingers on his, almost opened his mouth. 

That's exactly what he was doing before, he couldn't go back to that time, no matter how peaceful it seemed like.

Even if he wishes that they would by doing anything than this, he still wouldn't do it. He's not going to make the same mistake again, but somehow he always does. 

That's the only thing he's blaming himself now, not speaking up soon, bottling everything up, pretending that the shit was fine when it wasn't, maybe they wouldn't be here if he shared some words before. 

But there is absolutely no way to find out if that would work on not, he just had to guess and hope. 

Such a horrible and disgusting word : hope. 

"I'm sorry, I - " they boy was looking at him and probably was also looking in his mind, in his thoughts which he could read so easily on his face even when Robbe tried so hard to hide them, for example right now.   
He was sure Sander know each thought that went in his head. 

"No, it's okay. You can take as many breaks as you wa- need."

He put his whole empathy in one look and he knew Sander would see.   
"Alright." He sighed and looked around, trying to hide his eyes, which wasn't a new thing for Robbe. 

Not only Sander got to know him, and yes, he knows him better than Robbe knows Sander but that didn't mean that Robbe wasn't used to Sander's actions and habits. 

He had seen far too many of side glances and avoidance of the eyes far too much past few weeks unfortunately.

"Okay, um, where was I?" 

In the room, with me. 

"On the part that you were clean before last night." His emotionless and monotone voice scared Robbe, he guessed he tried too hard. 

At that Sander looked at him right in his eyes. 

Oh, god, he was so fucking beautiful even now, looking like this, feeling like this, he was still the most beautiful thing Robbe has ever seen. 

An angel. A broke angel probably. 

He almost laughed when he imagined telling Sander that, Sander would look deadly serious and probably say "are you saying that I'm the devil?" 

He was that too. 

An angel for Robbe's heart and the devil for his mind. 

Such a sappy thing to say but it was the truth. 

"I guess it's the part where I'm saying how I met Michael?"   
It was a rhetorical question, humorless joke. 

When Robbe realized that he was seriously waiting for an answer, he slowly nodded his head. 

It was better to say as few words as he possibly could. 

He was sure his voice would betrayal him. 

The silence was overpowering the whole room until Sander was ready to start again. 

Ready to go another round. 

Robbe dared and looked up at him, but decided that it was too much and looked from the window, the birds were still flying around, so that meant that they weren't running away if they were still here. 

He wanted more than ever to be a bird right now too, now that he was sure they were just playing and having fun, just flying. 

Then something back from his mind told him that maybe they weren't playing but looking for something. 

Maybe somebody was missing. 

And they were looking for them like Robbe was looking for Sander, then he didn't want to be them, couldn't handle that. 

He probably never would be able to handle another search party, his heart would just stop. 

"You already know I met him in the university, he's in almost all of my classes and he was new and needed friends." Robbe turned his head when he heard his voice, looked at him just to find out that he wasn't looking at him and he decided that it was safe now to stare at his face but he was ready to turn his eyes away if the boy would decided to shoot a glance at his way. 

'So, you came to his rescue.' Robbe was fighting the urge to roll his eyes. 'Our hero, always there to help others and fuck everything else up.'

"And one thing led to another and I guess we became friends and then - "

Robbe didn't realize that he started talking and made Sander stop in the middle of a sentence. 

"I thought you were more than friends." 

But he's glad he spoke up. It wasn't time to feel guilty about saying stuff and asking questions now. 

"What?" 

"You heard me."

"Yeah I did, it's just I - why would you think that?"   
The confusion was already sitting on his face which made Robbe angrier.

What does he mean by that? Was Robbe imagining things? All those late replays? A freaking drawing? Sander hiding their relationship? Only seeing him once a week if he was lucky? All those missed calls? 

What was all that about if they were only friends? 

He knew that Sander was trying to "help" him or whatever but still, it didn't make sense. Not the way he made it seem like. 

"Why wouldn't I? You weren't there. You never were and then I had to meet him as your friend? And you gave me the most dumb reason? Why would you even hang out with somebody who didn't respect who you were? And you have to hide your identity from them? I thought you knew better than that." 

He wouldn't have said the last part but it was already too late to go back now.

"Because he needed me." He said it like it was obvious which made Robbe'a blood boil.

"No, Sander, no. He didn't need you. It was you who needed a new subject you could work on, it was you who decided that you need to take care of him now, only because he was remanding you of your lost friend and you thought that if you could "help" him that would make your guilt go away. And no, that doesn't work like that. You can't include yourself in somebody else's life just because you feel guilty. You won't resolve your past fucked up decisions like that. I don't know if it was your fault or not but it doesn't matter anyways, you need to move on. The guilt will always be there but you can't try to make it better by solving somebody else's problems for them when you're fucking up your whole life and relationships. It's not right, not for them, not for me and especially not for you." 

Robbe knew that making your past go was one of the hardest thing in life and he also knew Sander, or some of him, and he knew it would be harder for him but the person can't live like that forever. 

Someday you got to just fucking let go and go on, move on or whatever it is. And you will feel guilty, sad and terrified but standing in one place won't make the situation any better, no, it will make it worse.

Sander just had that one crazy idea stuck up in his brain that the universe or god sent that boy for him to make up his past mistakes and it was absurd. 

Even Michael tried to tell him to deal with his own problems but he just wouldn't listen. 

Stuck an idea in his brain.  
Obsession. 

Wasn't people making Robbe believe that he was an obsession too? 

"No that's not what I was doing, I was - "

"No, Sander, that was exactly what you were doing. They shared some similarities and your fucked up mind decided that now you had to take care of him. That's crazy and that's - "

Robbe couldn't control himself when Sander started shaking his head and said all this, now rising his voice and throwing his hands around uncontrollably but he stopped when he saw that look on Sander's face. 

A look somebody makes when they don't believe what the other person is saying. 

And then he realized what he said, he just called Sander a fucked up person and crazy. 

He didn't mean it exactly like that but it still came out the same.

That's exactly why he always prefers to stay calm, to not hurt anyone's feelings. 

"I didn't mean it like that and you know it." It felt crazier apologizing now but he had to, he had to make Sander understand that he wasn't thinking like that deep down. 

"No, no you're right. Aa always you're right and I'm wrong and I understood that and I'm sorry and I know it's - "

Robbe wasn't listening after that.   
It was bad, the conversation wasn't suppose to go like that. 

That's exactly why Robbe tried to not say anything. He was scared he would say that. 

Does he think about that deep down? 

He has no idea but Sander is probably sure that Robbe think about him like a crazy person and mental.

It was too late to make it right now.   
He already said it and no matter what he will say next, it was still true.   
What Sander did was pretty mental and obsessive and he needs to know that one way or another. 

And if the only way for him to finally understand that is to hurt him, Robbe will do it. 

"Please I don't want to talk about that right now. Can we just continue?" 

He also shouldn't have said that. 

Why was his mouth working against him?

Probably because he was holding his self back for so long that now it wasn't asking him for the permission.

"No, we need to. I want to know everything you think, every question you have and you're right about it, it was a crazy thing for me to do and to think that I could - " when Robbe started shaking his head and parting his lips to say something he added " no let me finish please. I know what I did was wrong and impulsive but I just couldn't help it that time. You're right. I wanted to make my past mistakes right somehow and it's not possible, the past is already the past and I'm so sorry that I couldn't understand that soon enough. It's just, it's hard for me, Robbe, I'm not going to lie anymore. But I'm just saying this to be honest and not for a pity, I want you to know that. Not only I get to be a reason for my friend to kill himself, because I didn't give him enough attention and support but then I have to live with this horrible illness which is hard alone and every time my mind goes to a very dark place, all I think about is how I let him down and how much of a failure I am to continue living happily when he's not there and when Michael appeared, those thoughts stopped or more specifically changed. Now I had somebody I couldn't disappoint and I tried so hard to make my thoughts go away that I got lost in them, didn't realize I was doing the exactly the same thing but with you. It was too late when I saw this and I don't expect you to be understanding or okay with this, I just want you to know that I made mistakes, pretty fucked up ones but I was only trying to do something good and make all this thoughts disappear and in the end I went in too deep, in the place where I couldn't even understand what I was doing, if it was wrong or right, I was like in a faze where I couldn't do anything other that what I was told to do, I was stuck and I couldn't get out but the place I couldn't get out from was my head and I felt useless and then I did the thing I know the best : I fucked up my whole treatment and recovery." 

Robbe kind of knows the feeling he is describing but he has never felt that this strong. 

"I was scared of myself, of what I could do, of how ready I was to do literally everything somebody told me that would make the situation better. And I did it which was the thing that got us to this place and I knew I couldn't maintain a happy relationship and I didn't deserve it but I thought that maybe this one time I could do it and I could be finally happy."

In the end people aren't that different from one another. 

We all want the same thing : to be accepted, happy and loved. 

And of course, to be understood. 

Wasn't Robbe's biggest fear that too?   
Not deserving and scared to be loved and happy? 

"Aren't you going to say something?"   
Sander whispered after a while. 

"No." 

'I can't, I can't think clearly when you're around me' he wanted to add but decided against it. 

"Okay, I was saying how we got close and I saw his family situation and as you already know I just tried to help as much as I could I guess. It was ironic to be honest, helping somebody and telling them things my psychiatrist told me while I was doing absolutely the opposite of what I was telling him. I kind of met his family and his s-sister and she - " he stopped again and that's when Robbe realized what was happening and what he was trying to say without actually saying it. 

A sister.   
That girl was Michael's sister. 

Robbe hasn't thought about who she was since he was mad and upset first, then he had to look for him and was worried and there wasn't a place nor time to ask him about her until now. 

Such a irony. 

Karma was laughing at him so hard right now. 

While he was worrying about a boy and killing himself with thoughts about him, he never would have imagined that he had to worry about his sister too. 

"What happened with her?" 

"You saw, didn't you?"

He already knew an answer about this, of course he saw. 

"I know you didn't want me to but I did." 

"It sounds so cliche but it really wasn't what it seemed like and I will tell you what happened. I should have, I should have told you all this when it happened, and you have no idea how much I regret that, I thought that I'd bother you and I know I wouldn't, but no matter how many time you said that, I will still need time to get use to talking about my problems out loud. I was always the only one dealing with them and I know they never get me to the right places but it's still weird when I can say them out loud and my mind is making me anxious that I will get judged about them. I know I shouldn't be, and I can freely talk about some things that's been bother me but this is the hardest thing for me alone to talk and to share it with somebody was a very big deal but I'd give anything to change and tell you about this a while ago, we wouldn't be here if I did."

"You're right, we wouldn't be here but it's not only your fault, I think I should have said something and made you talk, maybe that way - "

Sander interrupted him.

"No, nothing here is your fault, you understand me? I'd shut down more if you asked me about it and I'm so glad you didn't back there because it would only make this worse. It's my fault since I was so grateful that you were giving me time to speak up myself and I spent it, I didn't use it. I should have said all of this. I'm sorry I - "

"For god's sake, stop saying you're sorry. That doesn't change anything." Now he really did roll his eyes. 

And he didn't look or else he would see Sanders hurtful face and a little light, which he got after they kind of started understanding each other, in his eyes disappeared. 

He knew he'd saw this and didn't look for that reason. 

"Please, continue." 

"Karla, she - she was horrible to Michael - "   
Robbe kind of loved the way Sander was saying "Michael" instead of "Mickey." "Their parents were divorcing and she blamed everything on him. She was a perfect daughter in their eyes but she was always putting him through hell, even when she was just not in the mood and had nothing to hold agains his brother, she still did and said some very hurtful and horrible things about him. Which obviously made Michael feel so horrible and as I told you, he had a past about self hard and I just wanted to make sure he would be okay and I would go to him when those things happened. It got a lot worse and happened often and often.   
But then I realized that when I was there and she was there too, I couldn't see any signs of her bullying him emotionally with her words, at first I thought that she wasn't doing it because he had a guest over, but then Michael told me that she was acting "nice" because she liked me. Which was flattering but obviously even if I didn't love you and wasn't in a relationship, I'd never be with somebody like her, I think I already have an experience of that, and he would ask me to go there more often because the only time he was calm in his own home was when he was completely alone, or with me since Karla would only act generously nice to him when I was around. I kind of felt like I was being used but I guess I only cared about that he was feeling better so I kept saying yes and yes when he'd ask me to come over or even stay at his place. But when I wasn't there, let's just say that things would get very ugly. So I had to be there, in my mind, I had to do it or else, I don't know, I guessed he would kill himself or hurt himself, I don't know. And when I realized that it was already too much and I just didn't want to be there and tried to stay away for a little bit, he would call me and beg me to go there when he had to be at home and I couldn't say no. I couldn't possibly say no since I knew the consequences my action would have and I guess I just went along with it every damn time, I shouldn't have but I was so scared, so scared of messing up that I just did everything he asked me to do. Then things got way more serious and out of my hand, he wouldn't be there sometimes and sometimes he'd leave me with his sister for what reason, I don't know.   
Even if he knew that she would make me uncomfortable, so I had to be social with her too and it was one of the hardest thing since the only reason why my friend had problems was because of her. After a while she started flirting and touching me the way I really didn't like to be touched." Robbe visibly cringed at that but chose not to comment. "By that time, Michael knew about us but he wouldn't allow me to say I was in a relationship for I guess obvious reasons. He knew what he was doing but still continued to do so. There was this one time when he asked me to come and sent me an address only to found out that she was the only one in there and he kept texting me that he'd get there as soon as he could, which he never did and I got so upset and mad that I ignored him and didn't talk to him for a while which ended in a very bad situation and I - I got to the place where I thought that if I wanted to literally keep him alive, I just had to do anything he asked until he got better or something changed. And that became my main goal for next few weeks." 

Even if Sander wasn't giving Robbe all the details, which to be honest, wasn't necessary, he still felt weird now that the wholes in his mind about what Sander was doing in the main time, was filling in. And he was right mostly, since he always knew he'd be with Michael. But he still felt like there was something deeper than Sander made it seem like, going on. 

He wondered how much that boy manipulated and used Sander's kindness for his advantage. 

In the end, Sander wouldn't hurt anyone intentionally.   
(Maybe a few people but still.) 

He wondered what kind of things his brain made him think for him to get to that place. How dark his thoughts were?   
He was sure, there were pretty darker than his own's. 

He hopes he never experiences that kind of emotions.   
When you can't even trust yourself, not to say something about others. 

"And then Karla found out. I told her one of the times when Michael made me go there and he wasn't coming. He kept saying stuff like "when she hangs out with you, she doesn't treat me that bad." And he always made it seemed like, I had to be there or else she would murder him in his sleep, which was a lot of pressure. She tried to, I don't know, make a move on me? She tried to kiss me but I stopped her and told her that I definitely wasn't interested, which I thought that she took in well, but apparently she didn't and Michael went furious with me. He wasn't answering me and for the first time in a while, I left him be." 

He was getting closer and closer to the present and Robbe felt more nervous than ever. 

"Until Karla contacted me personally, right before the party and after my appointment, I met up with her, and we talked a lot. I told her about the things Michael talked to me about and made her understand and see the whole story, and she didn't seem that bad person then. She promised that she'd make sure to look after him and talk to him, and I felt so relived, like somebody took a huge weigh that was pressing me down on the floor, off of my shoulders. I told her that I was in a hurry and I was going to a party and I have no idea why I said yes when she asked me if she could go with me, I guessed the things went well and it was a least I could do and I wish I didn't. Long story short, we went there and right before we came out of the car, she stopped me and starting taking to me about some things. I was pretty surprised and couldn't get what she was talking to me about but then it hit me and I got more confused since it was her brother we were talking about, half or not, it was.   
She started talking nonsense about how glad she was to meet me and then she said some stuff I really don't want to think about and she said so many things and my mind went completely shut and - "

"And you just kissed her? Like that? What kind of fucking logic is that Sander? I don't understand. Why?"

"What?"

"I know you know that I saw it." 

He couldn't believe what he was hearing. After all this Sander dared to ignore and denied that?   
He was one second away from getting up and running from this, from this conversation and from this relationship. 

If Sander dared to say one more excuse or a lie, he would just say goodbye and walk away, he was sure. 

"No! No. It wasn't like that at all. You didn't - "

Robbe got up so suddenly that his vision got blurry and black for a few second.   
Sander did the same, his eyes wide, confusion, devastation and nervousness sitting on his face. "W-what are you doing? Where are you going?" 

"Away." 

"Huh?"

"Away from you, away from this." He kept looking for something in the room, making an excuse for himself to stay a little longer to see what Sander had to say more but he actually didn't have to say anything that Robbe didn't already knew. 

"But why?"

"What the fuck do you mean why?" 

Sander's still confused and panicked face just made Robbe completely stop and he realized too late that when he opened his mouth, he was yelling and screaming. 

"You even dare to ask me that? I spent weeks, Sander, trying to understand why you were acting the way you were, thinking I wasn't enough, thinking that you were out there fucking somebody else and when you would get bored with them, you would come back to me and I couldn't say anything just because I was afraid that your feeling would get hurt and I didn't want to push you and now that you still did the same, you even have the nerve to ask me why I'm leaving? I love you. I love you so damn much and that the only reason I'm still standing here but you did nothing than treating me like a garbage and when you're treated that way for so long, you start to believe that you really are that and I feel horrible, Sander! You make me feel horrible. I feel like shit because even after everything you put me through I still love you and I'm still ready to forgive you anything but it's enough. No. I can't physically, - not to even ask emotionally - forgive you for cheating on me and I'm so sorry but now I - "

"What the fuck? Slow down for a second, Robbe what? I've never cheated on you,I have never fucked somebody else while I was with you." He spit that word with so much hate that Robbe almost believed him.

He started laughing.   
"For fuck's sake, Sander! I fucking saw you kissing her."

He saw Sander trying to come closer to him and Robbe took a few steps back. 

"I know you did and I'm trying to say that you saw it wrong."

"I'm gonna kill you now. I don't care, I'm just going. Save your freaking excuses for yourself." He went to the door but before he was able to touch the handle he was thrown on the door with his back, Sander standing in front of him and his strong hand keeping him in place, not letting him leave. His back hurt like hell but didn't want to show it.

"I'm telling you, Robbe! Listen to me. It wasn't a first time she tried to kiss me and I pushed her off every damn time but I was too late when you saw us. She said the things like how grateful she was that his brother had a friend like me and I went to hug her and she just kissed me all of a sudden and I pushed her away. You didn't saw that? I'd never do that to you and you hurt me a lot when you said all this."

It was too good to be true, Robbe's mind was spinning around the whole place. 

"A lot of people saw us Robbe. I can prove it. But you telling me that you thought I'd do something like that it - " he sighed and put his forehead on Robbe's, closes his eyes. 

Robbe was quiet for a second, trying and failing to process all this. 

"What else was I suppose to think?" He whispered after a while, still not completely believing him. 

"I guess the world is very hard when you only have perspective of your own view. It would help me a lot to understand you better if I could see it from your eyes." 

Robbe definitely agrees with that statement. 

"I wish I had talk to you about this before we got here."

Robbe wishes he did the same thing too. 

He still isn't sure what to think and what to trust but things make a little bit sense now. 

"I know it must be a lot to take it all in and I'm more than ready to answer any of your questions and give you all the time you need but please never, ever think that I would even consider being with somebody else, that thought is so absurd for me and I feel so sick that you thought that but I'm trying to understand why you did it and it's making me feel more upset that I made you come to that fake and horrible conclusion. I'm so sorry to that."

Their faces were still touching but Sander let Robbe go after a while and just looked at him in the eyes.   
"I pray on the path you walk on, I have never felt this way about anybody else and I'd never, ever do that to you and I want you to know that and if you can trust me about anything in this whole fucking world, it's that." 

Robbe took a shaky breath and watched as Sander walked away and sat down on the end again, and he joined him shortly after. 

"We have a lot to work on I guess. Still." 

"Okay, anything you want. Just tell me anything." Sander's hopeful eyes was giving his heart a whole new definition and meaning to beat. 

Oh, that boy. 

That boy will be the death of him, he's sure, one way or another, now or later. 

But he was always ready to take that risk, he's still ready.

"So, what now?" 

"I honestly have no idea." 

"I think we should just take things slow. First, when will you have to send your blood test to see if you're clean? Which you aren't." 

"I'm a few days." 

"That's a problem."

"Yeah." 

There was a lot to think about, a lot to process.   
A lot of things to handle.

Robbe didn't want to admit but future didn't seem so bad right now.

He looked out from the window and saw that there wasn't any birds flying around anymore. 

Maybe they found who they were looking for, maybe they found a solution. 

Robbe felt so tired, there were so many things they still needed to talk about but he was exhausted. 

From all those emotions, he felt like taking a three weeks straight nap. 

He didn't hear when his phone started ringing but Sander did and poked him a little. Robbe have him a "Huh?" face which Sander answers with "the phone." 

Ohh. 

He found it and saw that it was Sander's mom. His eyes going wide for a second. 

He showed it to Sander and the boy just told him to pick it up.  
That's exactly what Robbe did.   
"H-helloo?" His voice still betrayed him.   
"Oh thank god, Robbe! Please tell me my boy is with you. I called his - "  
"Yes, yes! He's with me and he's fine." Robbe gave Sander a side glance.

As fine as he physically can be.   
He heard his mom sighed with a very big relief.  
"Can I talk to him please?" 

"She wants to talk to you." Robbe whispered to him.  
"Just put her on the speaker." Sander whispered back.

Robbe wanted no time and Sander finally said a word to her.

"Hi, mom!"   
"Oh, god! I'm gonna kill you when I get my hands on you. Your cousin called me and told me every thing. Are you out of your damn mind? What were you thinking? Don't you want to get better? Why would you do it again, Sander, why? I called your doctor and he told me that you have to go back to the rehab and I - " the last sentence made Sander jump from the bed, he took the phone away from Robbe's hand and started pacing.

"You can't be serious, no! I'm not going back there. There is absolutely no way - "

"You should have thought about that before you - Just come home now please! I'm already so tired and just come here." And she hang up before her son could say anything. 

"Fuck." Robbe winced when Sander yelled out and kicked his leg to a chair next to him, hearing some cracks when it fell down on the floor. 

He slowly walked up to him and put his arms around his shoulder. 

He didn't need to say "everything will be alright." Or "it will be fine." Since it wouldn't and both of them knew that. 

He stayed there until Sander's rapid breaths calmed down and he broke down in his arms again, and Robbe has never felt more useless in his whole life. 

He tried not to think about the fact that they would take him away from him.   
But that was probably for the best. 

They stayed there until Sander finally decided that it was time for him to go home.

When they went downstairs, the man at the register office smiled at them and said "I hoped you had a great stay. Come back soon." 

What an irony.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I can't believe that I only have one last chapter left to this story.  
> We're all have come so far and I'm always thankful for all of you who supports me and reads my story!  
> I hope you all are having a great day/night!

Robbe never left his side when his parents talked to him, and when it was already official that they would send him away. 

Robbe didn't leave his side when his mom cried and started yelling at him for slipping up again. 

He didn't leave his side that day and night. He called the boys and his mother and said that Sander needed him and he didn't know when he would get back. 

He didn't leave his side when the next morning his parents drove him to the same Rehabilitation center he has been years ago. 

But when he did leave his side was when the doctors and psychologists came and told Sander that it was time to go and say goodbye. 

They didn't kiss, nor they hugged each other. 

Sander just looked at him sadly and nodded his head.  
Robbe still, to this day, doesn't know why he did that.  
What that nod meant. 

And Robbe watched how he took his bag which was filled with his clothes, his sketchbooks and pencils and walked away from him. 

Left his phone behind, since it wasn't allowed. 

They said that he had to be there for at least three weeks, and they'll see what happens next. 

Sander looked back at him one last time before he disappeared though the corridor. 

Robbe couldn't see the emotions in his eyes clearly, he had no idea what Sander said to him with that one longing look. 

"See you soon?"  
"I will miss you?"  
"I love you?"  
"I'm sorry?"

He doesn't know that but he's sure, he will never forget that specific look on his face. 

How he wished he could hear his eyes. 

His parents offered him a ride back home a few times but Robbe declined, said he wanted to clear his head and walk. 

They gave him one last glance and left. Sander's mom hugged him and whispered in his ear that he could call her anytime he wanted and she would contact him when they would allow others to visit her son, and Robbe thanked her, hugged her back. 

Robbe watched them go away. 

And he walked.

He walked for two hours and twenty three minutes. 

* * * 

"How long is he going to stay there?" Jens was the only one who dared to speak up first after Robbe finished talking. 

Jens called him when he got home, (or more specifically, he has been calling nonstop but Robbe only saw the notifications after he plugged his phone to charge) made Robbe promise that he would meet up with them and here they were, at Robbe's place. 

His mom asked him millions of questions which Robbe couldn't really answer so he told her that the boys were coming over and he would talk to her later, which he was already dreading to do.

"I honestly have no idea. They said that he has to be there at least three weeks and then they will see how the things will turn out and will probably add a few weeks too, I think." 

Robbe didn't fully told them everything since even if how clouded and unsure he was about his feelings, saying something about Sander's addiction wasn't his job to do, at all and Sander wouldn't probably want a lot of people to find out about it but he did mention some stuff, he had to, or else he would go insane with keeping all of this by himself. 

His head is a mess, his thoughts are uncontrollable, racing one another as if they were having a very intense marathon. 

All he's sure of is that he needs time, a lot of time to process all that happened and try to find the solution. 

No matter how much he wants nothing more than being with Sander right now, he's happy that they are separated. 

Robbe was needing some time alone for himself for a very long time and now that he's finally having it, he feels bad about it.

But Robbe knows, his self must come first because he has been trying to take care of everybody else and look where it has gotten him to. 

Now was the time he needed to be alone, work on his ming and his feelings. 

He tries not to think.  
Not to think about him or about anything really. 

He tries not to picture what Sander must be feeling or going though, what he's doing, if he's alright, if he's crying, if he feels like their relationship ended because of him.  
Robbe wants nothing more than reassuring him and caressing his face, but that has to wait.

He tries and he does it pretty successfully too, until another sleepless night will come and he just can't stop his thoughts, his mind is in disarray.

And he just breaks down and blames his fate from all this and blames Michael too, wants to just choke him to death. (He usually never feels something a person would describe as "hate" for anybody but this boy, ugh he just wants to do some very bad things to him.)  
Maybe Michael isn't a "culprit" but Robbe has to have somebody he can blame everything on. 

Of course he blames himself as much as he blames Sander too but now really wasn't time to think about all this so only person he has to get angry at is Michael and his fucked up family. 

He also wonders if Sander still draws him, even after everything.  
Is Robbe still the only thing he thinks about?  
Is Robbe still his muse? 

Does he still write "I'm sorry" on the drawing of Robbe's face?

He probably does. 

Robbe wants to have some kind of gift and talent so much too, just to confess and express his love to the boy, write him a poem or a song.

He'd wishes nothing more than dedicating his whole life to make Sander understand how special he is to him.

He would sell his soul for that.

"That's tough man." Yes, Robbe was one hundred percent agreeing Moyo at that.  
It really was tough. 

"Can we talk about something else? Like what you guys have been up to?"  
They were sitting on his bed, sandwiches between them on the plates and some cheap bear cans that Robbe decided not to drink. 

Aaron wasn't there with them. On that cursed party, Amber texted him that apparently they were going on a road trip and she dragged him along with her.

Robbe didn't want to admit but it was probably for the best that Aaron wasn't here.  
He doesn't know why.

"Okay. Um, Do you remember that girl from the pa - ?" Jens didn't finish and looked at Robbe to see his reaction. 

"Yeah, I do. I was there when you were eating her face off by the way." Robbe teased, it was a good opportunity to to change the topic and he gladly took it.

"Yeah and we're - I mean - we're kind of - " Jens couldn't perform one full sentence and Robbe was finding it very amusing.

"They're dating." Moyo answered for him and gave Jens "what's wrong with you" look. 

That's great news. At least something good happened while he was having a battle with himself all this days.

"So? How is the things going?" 

Jens smiled a little and Robbe could see that it was genuine in his eyes, it made him happy for his friend.

"It's going fine I think, I'm meeting up with her tomorrow."

"When are you going to introduce us?" 

Jens looked around awkwardly and said, that it was too early for that yet.

Which Robbe agreed. 

But if the person is right for you, something even seconds is a lot. 

Sometimes you know the person for years and you still don't love them but sometimes you just need to look at them, and you're obsessed, hooked and your heart already gets stolen.

There isn't wrong or right time. 

There is only fate.

Or at least that what Robbe believes. 

"What about you? Do you have anything to say?" Now Robbe turned to Moyo and gave him a little smirk. 

"Not really, no." Moyo shrugged his shoulders. 

"You're sure?" Robbe didn't give him any chance to say anything when he added : "I'm sure there must be something."

"Well, there is this one girl who I might like and Noor who I'm talking like all the time so I don't really know." 

"Wait, so you're dating my ex?"  
Robbe faked his surprise since he knew about this, he teased him about this.  
"We're not dating - and excuse me? You're dating Jens's ex's ex. I think you don't have any right to protest." 

Robbe couldn't help but laugh at this, for the first time in two days. 

The universe has a weird way of working.

* * *

Robbe's mom constantly checks up on him, and more constantly on Sander, she asks how he's doing and when will she able to see him, which Robbe has no answer to.

He told her about Sander, the whole truth since he had to tell somebody and she listened, and cried.

She cried so much in the end, that Robbe was the one who comforted her and not the other way around like how he thought it would be. 

She didn't ask him any further questions about that, only about Sander's well being. 

And he was very grateful for that. 

And the days has passed and before he even knew, two weeks passed by too. 

And on the fourteenth of day since he had last seen Sander, a number called. 

He was laying on his bed, reading a book, trying to pass time. 

The weather was very nice that day, it was cloudy but without the rain, a little chilly but also pleasant. It was somehow reassuring Robbe that everything would be okay, no matter how much he didn't believe that at all. 

Robbe guessed that very wrong since not even three minutes passed and his phone started ringing. 

His mom was at home so she wouldn't be calling him, he just talked to his friends too so there was no way they would be calling him again any time soon, and he hasn't heard anything from Sander, not that he expected to. 

It really wasn't surprising, since Sander didn't have his phone with him, but every time he looked at his notification and didn't saw his name in there, he would still get a little bit disappointed.

He really didn't want to pick up and get up from his place on the bed, he was way too comfortable to do so.

And he let it ring, even if the sound was very much annoying him. 

And when it stopped ringing, he breathed out and went back to his book. 

But his peace didn't last long since the phone started ringing like two minutes later.

He grunted and lazily made his way over his desk where he last left his phone, asking himself why didn't he put it on silence.

He didn't know who to expect or what, but he definitely wasn't expecting Michael. 

Fucking hell, what did he want from him now?

If Robbe picked up, he wouldn't be able to control himself but the part who wanted to know what he had to say was yelling at him to give the situation a chance. 

He was unsure and by the time he made up his mind, the phone stopped ringing once again. 

He sighed, a little relived but his relief didn't last for long when it started ringing again and he wanted two seconds before he answered. 

In the future, he's glad he did.

Before he had time to say the line he decided to say, which was cold, monotone "what do you want?" Michael hit him with "Hey Robbe, is Sander with you?" once again. 

"I don't think he really wants to talk to you right now." 

How did he ever dare to call, Robbe didn't know.

"Is he, or is he not?" He could literally hear the other boy's annoyance, which he didn't have any right to be, if Robbe's being honest.

"He is not." Robbe answered with the same tone and asked himself what was he still doing on the phone with him. 

He heard Michael let out a breath and started slowly :  
"Look, Robbe! Can I see you?" 

That shocked Robbe too much to the level he didn't want to admit. 

"W-what?" He wasn't believing his ears. 

"Please, Robbe! I need to talk to you. Just this one last time." 

It took way more than one plead from Michael but in the end, Robbe gave in, not because he was interested in what he had so say, he just wanted to make sure that this boy would never make his and his lover's life miserable anymore, he had to give him a piece of his mind. 

So the next morning he got ready and went to the same cafe Michael asked him to meet last time too. He had a feeling of deja vu but he remembered the exact date and time he was there last time with that boy vividly. 

When he walked in, Robbe still felt intimidated by his presence.  
He looked dead drop gorgeous and Robbe wanted nothing more than stealing his beauty since Michael didn't deserve it.

He almost laughed at that thought, since when did he decide who deserved what.

A blonde boy walked to his table quietly and sat down, murmured a pathetic "hello." 

Robbe was angry, mostly at him since he didn't have anyone else to blame but now, sitting in front of him, he realized that Michael is just a human too.  
A very beautiful human indeed. 

It wasn't a secret why he was so jealous of him. 

Everyone would be. 

If anyone asked him to describe the word "perfect" before, he would show them Michael. 

Sander wasn't perfect. He was so damaged and flawed but he was just Sander. 

He was Robbe's Sander. 

And Michael wasn't perfect too, maybe his looks and appearance was, but his mind and inner self? Definitely not. 

If he was completely flawless, they wouldn't be here right now.

"How are you?" Michael asked softly, which made Robbe roll his eyes.

"Don't "how are you" me. Say what you want to say and leave. I still have no idea why all this couldn't happen over the phone." His tone was cold, merciless. 

As his heart was, in a barrier, trying not to crack or show any weaknesses, which he had a lot.

Michael looked down and didn't say anything for a while.

Robbe almost felt sorry for him.

"If you're going to stay silent, I think we're done here. You're just wasting my time." Robbe said harshly and was about to stand up when Michael finally let a sound out of his mouth.

"I'm sorry." When Robbe parted his lips to answer him, he continued, "No, let me finish first. I'm sorry for everything that I have done that made your and Sander's relationship crash down, I swear I didn't mean to. But I still knew that I was doing it and didn't stop. I asked myself and wondered why I didn't, but the only answer I got was that I needed help too, and I didn't think things though. I was so lost, messed up, I still am, and only cared about getting better that I ignored everything else happening around me. I noticed Sander's silent pleading eyes and how he was slipping away, but didn't comment on it, didn't do anything since I was selfish and you have no idea how sorry I am for that. I don't know what's going on with him, but I just want you to tell him that I didn't mean it to happen the way it did. I made a mistake and I learnt from it, I'm just so sorry that in the process I hurt him, a person I've never wanted to cause any pain. I care about him too, just like you do, maybe not the exact same way, but I care.  
No matter what, he's still my best friend and the only person who stood with me when I wasn't myself and when I was feeling down and I will be thankful for that my whole life, if only I could do the same for him.  
However, I still managed to hurt him, and I'm regretting it every damn second.  
And I'm so sorry for my sister, she's bad news. And I knew that before I introduced those two together, before I made Sander do things he didn't want to do, before I made him uncomfortable to be around her and me. It wasn't right and I knew he was in a committed, healthy relationship but I still did whatt I did. I didn't think about him, or about you, I only cared about myself and no matter how much I want to turn back time and make different choices then, I can't and it's killing me.  
Don't get me wrong, Robbe. I'm not asking for forgiveness or understatement, I just need you and him to know that I didn't mean to and I'm beyond words sorry. Just please tell me how he's doing." 

Robbe sighed and threw his head back. 

Deep down he knew all this because from the things Sander was telling him about this boy, he didn't seem like a bad person.  
Before, he didn't want to admit that to his self and just believed that Sander was being lied to, that thought calmed Robbe down.

He didn't want to admit that Michael was as much of a human as both of them were. 

He even found that Robbe and he was very much alike, not physically obviously but in the heart.  
But he didn't want to say it out loud, since he wanted to believe that Robbe would never act like the way he did but in the end, they were pretty much the same person, only Robbe already grew up from his mistakes.

When he walked in, he was ready to fight, maybe even yell but now, he feels so tired.

Tired of everything.

He couldn't sleep well last night, or the night before that, or the night before that. 

He hasn't slept well for god knows how long. 

He felt like a dead person but still so much alive to feel the pain. 

It was so unfair. 

Everything was unfair. 

And he even felt more upset when he realized that he had nobody to blame. What happened was nobody's fault. 

People are people.  
People are selfish and they only think about theirselves and nobody is wrong to do so. 

Maybe everybody expect Sander since he was special.

Special from every living soul. 

He was a pure kindness, and even if his actions very mostly wrong, his motives were only trying to do something good.

The world didn't deserve somebody like him. 

Nobody deserved Sander. 

The universe should spin around him, that would be at least it can do to honor this boy. 

Robbe's boy.

Unfortunately, Robbe could understand what Michael was saying.  
It hasn't be that long since he hurt his best friend too, for his own selfish reasons and destroyed their relationship. 

So much time has passed after that and even if he was forgiven, he still regrets it to this day. 

Maybe that was the day he stopped being selfish, and started taking care of everybody else while he forgot that he, himself needed to be taken care of. 

Was Michael and Robbe that similar? 

Robbe doesn't know but he knows that he definitely didn't mean everything that happened with his best friend and his girlfriend, for it to happen like it did, but he didn't stop back then, when he had a chance to stop and neither did Michael. 

"I don't know how he's doing." Robbe admitted after a few minutes. 

Michael's confused and panicked face already told him what the boy was going to say next and he was right.

"You guys didn't break up, did you? Please say you didn't." 

Robbe almost smiled at that desperate tone.

"We didn't. He's getting help now." 

'A help he needs.' He added in his mind but didn't say it out loud.

A help the fucking universe decided that he couldn't live without. 

Who was choosing all this?

Who was choosing who will be a fucked up person and who will not?

Who was choosing who must have a mental illness and who mustn't?

"Have you talked to him?"

'I wish I had.'

"No." 

"Will he be okay?"

'I hope.'

"I don't know."

"What do you think, will he be able to ever forgive me?" 

"I'm sure he will."

"Are you lying?"

'I wish I was.'

"No."

Michael was quiet for a while and then he looked at Robbe right in the eyes, smiled sadly and said : "I think we would have been great friends, if we meet each other at the different circumstances and if the things didn't went the way it did."

Sander would be so happy to hear that.  
All he ever wanted, was for them to get along.

Robbe loved his friends' and Sander's playful relationship and he knew, Sander only wanted for it to be same, or almost the same for Robbe and Michael. 

In the parallel universe Robbe and Michael are still in the exact same cafe, but in there, they are drinking coffee and eating a chocolate cake, and they are joking, talking about literally anything. 

Maybe they are waiting for Sander to finish his only class he has without Michael.

Maybe they are going to the theatre after that, or maybe they are even going to have a double date. 

That's not important.

What's important is that Sander will join them soon and he will smile when he sees them having fun together and he will be thankful that the two of the most special and important person in his life are getting along so well.

Sometimes he will joke that Michael is stealing his boyfriend when they decide to hang out without him. 

Then Michael will say that, he in fact, is definitely stealing Robbe from him, which will make Sander pout, showing his puppy eyes, and Robbe will kiss him, laughing and Michael will make disgusting voices while trying to not show his genuine smile towards them. 

They will also have an inside joke about the time when Robbe was jealous of Michael and a blonde boy will always make them remember it and Robbe will get embarrassed and put his head on Sander's neck, trying to hide. 

And they will tease Michael when he will have a very big crush on his and Sander's classmate, and of course they will help him.

Robbe is constantly saying that Michael needs to get laid, which Sander agrees to, and they drag him along, with Robbe's friends to the parties. 

And their relationship is perfect, epic. 

Robbe loves it there and he's glad he gets to have it somewhere if not here.

They would definitely be great friends, Robbe is sure and when Michale suggested it, he smiled too.  
It was funny, how much he agreed.

Only if Robbe lived in other universe, where everything was too damn easy, it was too good to be true. 

Only if the things didn't have to be complicated.

Robbe gets lost in "only if" situations because there is a lot.

* * * 

He came back home exhausted. His mom was there and when she asked him where he was and what he did, he broke down shamelessly in her arms and she took him in, caressing his shoulders, saying sweet things in his ears while Robbe was managing to say a few words between his breaths and he told her.  
He told her how he couldn't blame that boy and how sorry he felt for him, for Sander and for his self too.  
He told her how wrong everything was and how he wished for once in his god damn life, the things would get easier to handle. He told her how he misses Sander and just wants to hold him in his arms and how he's so tired and so sad. How he's not angry at all and how he's so ready to leave all of this behind, in his past. 

And his mom didn't try to feed him some bullshit lies. She told him that bad things just seem to happen to good people and it's what it is. 

And he cried more after hearing that and asked if the things would get better. 

At that, his mom made him look up to her eyes. 

"Oh, honey! It will. But before it gets better you must know that it gets worse. However in the end, it will get better and you will be very glad and relived and all this torture will be so worth it."

And Robbe nodded his head and asked. 

"You promise?"  
She smiled, took his picky, tangled it with hers and whispered : "I promise, my sweet boy." 

Robbe believed her.

* * *

He was panicking while trying to find some clothes to wear and of course he didn't like any of the six outfits he put on previously.

After being silent for days, Sander's mom finally called him to tell that she's been allowed to visit Sander and asked if Robbe wanted to come to. 

He desperately wanted to come and see him but he wasn't ready to face him, wasn't ready to breakdown again. 

And now he was trying to get ready. 

He already screamed out loud two times from the emotions and he was glad his mom wasn't at home since she would have thought that he was getting murdered by the sounds he was making. 

And when he finally made his way over to meet her, he got way more nervous. 

She saw him as soon as he appeared and hugged him so tightly.  
"Robbe, dear, how are you? I'm so sorry that I didn't call you before. I talked to Sander and he really wants to see you."  
At the exact same second she said his name, Robbe shivered, his legs started shaking.

Robbe knew that there would be two ways the whole thing could go before he even came here. One : he'd see his boyfriend today and two : he wouldn't be strong enough and he'd chicken out in the last second. 

"I can't." He whispered and saw how all the emotions from the woman's face vanished. 

"What do you mean you can't?" 

Robbe really couldn't do it, not now, and not for a while at least.  
Now that he knew Sander was waiting for him, he felt ever more upset and at the same time, the urge of not going got way stronger.

He knew this would happen, he could feel it right after he got the call. 

So, that's why he came prepared. 

"I'm just not ready to see him yet. I hope you understand." He saw she nodded her head sadly and didn't say anything to change his mind, she saw the obvious discomfort sitting on the boy's face.

Robbe wished he was stronger, but who was he trying to lie? He was weak and couldn't even handle seeing his face.

Robbe took something out of his pocket, it was an envelope with a handwritten letter inside.

She looked at it confusingly when he handed it. 

"It's for him."

She smiled softly and said that she would definitely give it to him and they parted their ways after she gave him another hug and promised to call him back to tell him how the things were going.

He didn't look back, but he was sure Sander's mom looked back at him a few times, just to check if he'd suddenly change his mind.  
He didn't. 

And Robbe didn't regret not turning back at all, but the only thing he was worried about was what Sander would think when his mom'd came in the room alone, without him by her side. 

What kind of face would he make when he'd realize that Robbe didn't come to see him after weeks of being separated.  
What would he think? 

Robbe only hopes that for now his letter is enough, but deep down, he knows, it isn't and he can't do anything about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, share your thoughts with me!!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys! I wanted to make a statement kind of thing and I decided to put it before you read the chapter. First of all, thank you all so much for supporting me and joining me in this amazing journey, I wouldn't be able to do the things I did without you by my side and reading your comments always made my day better no matter how horrible it was going.  
> This story is dark, because real life isn't not a happy place, this is a story about people and their imperfectness, about love, about acceptance, about putting yourself first and about taking care of each other.  
> This story is sad because life is sad and unfair but if we have the right people around us, we will be able to push everything bad out of the window and try to be as happy as we can.  
> And it's okay to not be alright for time to time. I hope you all will solve all your problems and if my story even helped you a little bit, I'll be so grateful for that.  
> Again, thank you all and I hope I will see you guys soon! -E

"Dear Sander. I hope you're doing well and I'm so sorry that I didn't come to see you. I hope you know that it's not because I didn't want to, I just couldn't. I think being by myself right now is the healthiest thing I can do and I need to do it. I felt horrible but then I realized that sometimes I need to put myself first too and that's why I didn't come with your mother. I'm not saying that you should understand but just try. Try to understand my reasons, for me.  
I talked to Michael by the way and he apologized for everything he did and told me to tell you that he didn't mean anything and he feels horrible. I don't know how your relationship will go in the future and I can't tell you what you should do, the choice is yours to make. To be honest, we talked and realized that we'd be great friends if the things that happened, weren't real. It's very ironic and funny to think about that.  
The days are going well, if you don't count my crying sessions every night before I fall asleep from the exhaustion. I think you're doing much worse and I don't even want to think about what you must be going though right now and again, I'm very sorry I'm not with you when you need me the most. I need you and I miss you so much. When I think about why I didn't just come to visit you, I get confused, but then I keep remembering that I need to take care of myself and love myself before I can do the same with you, and no matter how cliché it sounds, I think that's the only way to keep the healthy relationships.  
I'm so sorry, I don't think I'm making sense, I'm touching all those different subject and in the end, nobody will figure out what I was trying to say.  
But you're different, Sander, aren't you?  
You understand me the most and see right though me, well almost always.  
I think that you knew deep down, what was going on with me too but you were so deep in your own head that you couldn't see. I'm so sorry I doubted you and I know you will shake your head at this and say that it was your fault but it wasn't anybody's fault. We just misunderstood each other. And I'm not blaming myself anymore, and you shouldn't blame yourself too.  
I thought exactly the same things anybody in my place, without the knowledge of what was going on with you, would think.  
All I want is to get all this behind us and maybe start a new chapter in your life?  
I'm guessing you thought only the worse when you find out that I sent you a letter, you probably thought that it was a break up call, that I didn't have guts to tell you all this in person and you're mostly right.  
I definitely can't see your face right now, since I wouldn't be able to say all this.  
I was thinking a lot about the situation and what will be after this?  
Are we strong enough to stay together after this?  
Will we be able to get through this?  
And the answer to them was "I don't know."  
And I don't want you to think that I'm staying with you for pity or something like that, no, I don't.  
I decided to live in the moment but now I had to think ahead too.  
And I love you too much to let you go, just because you have a baggage, just because you're not perfect. And I don't think you made a mistake, I think the world is just too cruel to let us be happy for more than a few moments, and I'm not perfect too, I have a lot of stuff to work on and you make me a better person, even if I still need a lot to progress with myself.  
And I think we're perfect too, together.  
Fucked up as we are because Sander, we're real and we're infinite.  
And fuck, I love you so much and I never want something bad to happen to you and I'd give anything to make you feel better, to take your pain away but unfortunately, I can't.  
I want you to be better and I want me to be better too and for my sake, that's why I decided to not see you now, not because I don't want you, not because I'm breaking up with you, I just need some time to be by myself, and I hope you'll respect that.  
I'll see you soon, I promise.  
And after we will get out of this situation, we'll be stronger than ever.  
And I can't promise you that we won't have any new problems in the future, I'm sure we will, but I'm also sure that if we stay together, we can stay strong and we can rule the world.  
I have been listening to your advanced Bowie playlist all this days and obviously they remind me of you, as if I needed another reminder but I can't make myself to stop listening to it. Also I think I'm quite ready to try another level and take an exam. We definitely need to schedule this.  
I rewrote this a lot of times but I still think I'm all over the place and I'm not making any sense. I'm not going to lie, I'm nervous. I don't know how you manage to always make me nervous and make my heart beat stronger, even if you're not around me.  
I think you just have that effect, effect that I can't ignore and I don't want to.  
I choose a few movies we need to watch together for our next movie date, I want to hear your opinion about two of them and the others are just things I think you'd like.  
You have a very impeccable taste, as if you don't know it already. Such a show off.  
God, there are so many things I want to tell you but at the same time I also have no idea what to say.  
I hope you're doing better and I want you to know I miss you so much, I just want to feel your arms around me again, or feel your breath, anything.  
I just need to know you're here with me.  
My heart hurts and you're not here to heal it or make it better, but I can't be selfish right now.  
I know your heart hurts too.  
Maybe we will be able to heal them together.  
The time will go so fast and you will be able to "press your space face close to mine, love."  
(I told you, I was getting better at this lyrics. And I promise I didn't google it this time.)

I'd give anything to hold your hand right now. 

To the one I love, this letter is goes out for you."

Before Robbe was settled and decided that this was the last version of his letter, he reread it so many times, he knew it by heart. Even now, he could remember each word, each paragraph. And still, it wasn't perfect and he wished, he added more of what he wanted to say but when he was writing it, the words just wasn't coming to him.  
Probably because he was anxious.  
But that shouldn't have been a problem, since he was always anxious and got quite used to the feeling. 

It's been an hour since he came back home and his phone was as silent as ever.  
He has no idea what he's waiting for. 

No, that's a lie.  
He knows. 

He begged Sander's mom to call him as soon as she would visit him and tell him how he was doing. 

She should have giving him his letter by now.  
Did he open it right in front of his mom?  
Did he tell her anything about it? 

Oh god, how Robbe wished he could be invisible to sneak in Sander's room and watch him silently, without Sander's knowledge. (He somehow always changed his choices of super powers.)

Now, he was upset about his self and was mad that he didn't go. 

He almost jumped out of his skin when his phone started ringing but of course, he couldn't get lucky and it wasn't the person he wanted to hear from the most.  
It was Milan and after a three rings he picked up.  
"Hey, how are you?" Robbe was always so surprised about how Milan managed to change everything by speaking so softly all the time, so nicely, like he was reassuring the person he was talking to, that it would all pass and it would all be okay eventually.  
Robbe almost always believed him.  
"Do you want me to lie or - ?" He heard the boy from the other side of the phone, sighed.  
"How is he?" The fact that almost everybody knew about it was making him nervous but he was glad that he didn't have to explain all of the shit he has going on right now, all over again and again to them. He told boys and they told Zoe and then the news spread out, but he didn't care about it as much as he thought he'd.  
"Milan. I fucked up. I fucked up everything again." His voice cracked, and he could hear and see Milan sitting up in his mind after hearing this.  
"What happened, Robbe? I'm sure you didn't do anything wrong."  
"I thought that too but I didn't go to see and he - he was waiting for me and - I - god, I - " he tried to take a big breath and continue but he couldn't. He stopped for a minute and he was so relived that Milan gave him sone time to speak up by himself.  
That boy always know what to do or say.  
"Milan, I thought that I needed time to be by myself and I couldn't see him, just yet and I - fuck - I explained it to him and wrote it down and I - gave it to his mom and - she must have giving it to him by now and - I - what he must be thinking? God, maybe I hurt him more by choosing myself and I should have gone to see him, no matter how hard it would be and I - he must hate me now, I left him - I promised I would never do that and I keep leaving him alone to deal with his self and I - fuck -" he put his phone away for a while and tugged at his hair, took another big breath and trying to calm down, after a minute or two he picked his phone and said the boy's name.  
"I'm here, Robbe. I'm listening. I need you to say everything you have to say before I will answer you, okay? No matter how much time you're going to spend doing it. I'm here. Do you want me to come over? I'll be there immediately."  
Robbe started shaking his head and then he realized, Milan couldn't see so he spoke up.  
"No, no. I prefer talking like this." He heard Milan whispering "okay" very softly like he was afraid Robbe would break any moment now.  
And it was the truth.  
Robbe would definitely break anytime, right now.  
"I'm such an idiot. After all this time, I still left him. I - "  
"Robbe, I knew I just told you I wanted you to say all of this and I want to but you're panicking and you're hurting yourself. Listen to me very closely, alright?" Robbe nodded and even if Milan couldn't see, he didn't wait for an answer, he just started talking:  
"What you did was right, no matter how much you regret it. You only feel this way because you're nervous and because you miss him and that's totally okay. That's how it's suppose to be. But you didn't do anything wrong. I'm sure Sander will understand and it's even great that you explained it to him by yourself. I absolutely get why you're feeling like this, you want to see him and you think you lost your chance? Robbe, that boy loves you so much that he'd give you the moon and the starts if he could. Yes, he made some mistakes and yes, you made some mistakes too but that doesn't mean the life is over. I think both of you need to take some time away from each other and when you will be reunited, it will be more than amazing. Sander is fine, he might not feel great at the moment but he's in good hands, I'm sure he misses you like hell but the time will come, the right time, and you will visit him, when you're ready and he will respect that, he will open his arms for you and both of you will be home.  
I'm sure you know this by now, that you can get homesick for people too, and Robbe, you're so damn lucky that you have him, that you can reach him because I don't want to make you feel more down but imagine if you couldn't go to him, if he wasn't there with you, not just emotionally, physically too.  
And you should be so grateful that you can be with him.  
But that's not the best thing for you right now. I think you should give it some time and when you feel like it, you will go and see him in person. And he will be so happy to see you.  
You just need to wait, for you, and then all the waiting will be worth it when you'll see the look on his face when he sees you there.  
Robbe, you need to put yourself first, because if you won't, you will just crash down so hard, you will never get up. And I'm hundred percent sure, Sander definitely doesn't want that to happen and he'd do anything to make you happy, and waiting a few weeks for him wouldn't be that hard if he knows you're working on yourself and you're happy. You understand me? You didn't do anything wrong. No, it's quite the opposite and I'm so proud of you."  
When Milan finished, Robbe realized that he was crying, quietly, while trying to listen his every word. 

He was silent for a few minutes and then he sighed and smiled.  
"God, I'm so glad I have you by my side."  
"Well, when I first told you that you'd feel grateful for meeting me, that's what I was talking about." Robbe felt Milan trying to cheer the mood and he was doing a great job.  
"Thank you so much for that. I think I just had a very bad panic attack. I knew I did the right thing but when I realized that I didn't go to see him, it just hit me. The place I wanted to be to be out from, just started pushing me inside again and I felt the void creeping up behind my back. Trying to push me down."  
"I'm glad you're realizing this and trying to not let it bring you down. It's okay if you have a breakdown, but you just need to get up on your feet. Promise me you will always try to do that? And promise me, you'll call me anytime you need."  
Robbe looked up to the ceiling, smiled and said: "I promise. I'd give you my pinky if you were here." And after that, the conversation was brief. Robbe asked him about his personal life and Milan talked, talked for hours and Robbe was glad, since he definitely did an amazing job, taking Robbe's mind off of things. 

And in the end, Robbe felt relived and fine, as fine as he could be at the moment. 

He did the right thing and no matter how hard it was for him to finally put his self first, he did it.  
He had a breakdown but he still did it.  
And he felt so fucking proud of his self. 

That's one step closer to being with Sander again. 

If there was something for him, that'd get him motivated to start working on his mental health and his self, in general, it was seeing Sander's face again. 

And Robbe couldn't wait until he was proud enough for his accomplishments to see Sander again. 

He couldn't wait to tell Sander about it.

* * *

It was way past noon when Robbe got a call from Sander's mom. And she sounded happy which made Robbe relived too.  
It was all of a blur, Robbe doesn't even remember what he said, the only thing that was going inside his head was a few sentences she said to him. 

"He's fine. The doctors said that the things are going well."

"He asked me to bring him Leo and now he's with him, and he wanted me to tell you, not to worry about him, that he would take a great care of him."

"He read the letter. He didn't make any comments about it with me, he just told me to tell you that he misses you and he agrees on whatever you told him in that letter."

"He seems physically fine and from now on, he will have visiting hours everyday if you want to use them." 

And she also gave him the address and told him when the visiting hours starts and ends and the number of the room which he was staying at.  
Robbe was more than grateful. 

His mom came in his room right after he put his phone down.  
She opened the door slowly, as if she was afraid of the reaction boy would give her if she came without looking inside yet. Robbe looked at her and nodded his head, a silent permission to enter and his mom took place on his bed, right in front of him. 

Robbe didn't let her ask the question, he already knew what she wanted and said:  
"It was Sander's mom."  
She gave him "and?" look and when Robbe smiled, her face brightened up.  
"She said everything's fine."  
She threw her arms around him and hugged him tightly.  
"Oh honey, I knew it would all be okay, didn't I tell you? I'm so happy."  
Robbe knew she was genuine and embraced her. 

Maybe it was time for things to go well in this universe too.  
Robbe only wished it was the truth.

* * *

A few weeks have passed by.  
And Robbe was doing fine. He was on a holiday with his friends for a few days and had so much fun, he couldn't believe all of that was real. It was such a refreshing and gave him another strength. He started visiting psychologist and was making a lot of progress which made him happier and happier each day. Somehow his world was starting to calm down and he was very thankful.  
He also started working out a few times a week, grow his hair out a little bit and one time even went as far as getting his ears pierced, which he always wanted to do that. His mom hasn't had any episodes and she started working on full time job and Robbe couldn't be more proud of her.  
His relationship with his dad got way better. They met up a few times and talked, and Robbe realized, he was ready to forgive him his mistakes and when he told his physiologist that, she said that it was a move from his deep inner self which was telling Robbe that he finally could accept other people's mistakes and help them to get better.  
He was constantly talking to Sander's mom, almost every day and was getting news and updates on how he was doing. And every time he'd heard that he was doing better, he'd get enormous smile on his face. 

He still felt bad each day that has passed that he still hasn't visited him but he finally got used to the fact that he needed his own help first. 

And he got it.  
He hasn't been this calm ever since he was twelve years old.

One night he started thinking about it and even questioned his self, if this calmness was coming from being alone, being without him and his one half was agreeing while other was screaming loudly that Sander had nothing to do with any of this. 

And before he decided that he was finally ready to see him and handle anything the life would throw at him, he had a very long talk with Milan and the boy reassured him that if Robbe thought he was ready, he was, so he finally made up his mind and now he was standing in front of the art shop, which he knew Sander loved the most. (Sander has taken Robbe to buy his art supplies here with him in the past.)  
Robbe knew which sketchbook he preferred the most and which pencils he should get for him, after that one time when Sander gave him two hours long lecture about which was the better and why, Robbe was sure, he'd even chose the right pencil in his sleep. 

He knew he didn't have to get him anything, but he wanted to.  
That's at least he could do, so there he was, about to walk in when he heard somebody calling his name and he quickly turned around. 

The girl from the party, whose name was Marie, he believed, smiled at him when she got closer.  
"Hey. How are you? I haven't seen you nor Sander around."

She looked absolutely stunning, Robbe could give her that, and she was holding a new, clear canvas in her hand, for what reason, he had absolutely no idea.

"Hello. I'm fine, how are you?"

Marie noticed how Robbe not so silently skipped her other question and only decided to answer her first one.

"I'm alright too. What are you doing here?" At Robbe confused face, she turned and pointed her head towards the shop and Robbe let out a little "oh."

"I'm buying some sketchbooks for Sander."  
Saying his name didn't upset him anymore.  
Actually he said the whole sentence with so much confidence even he got surprised.

At that, Marie seemed relieved and smiled at him again.  
"Do you need any help?"  
She smiled at him, as if challenging him and Robbe thought and wondered if every artistic people were like that.

"Nope. Trust me, I'm pretty sure about my choices. I learnt which one to buy hard way." The girl laughed at that and Robbe felt proud for making her laugh until she got all serious again and started.  
"I hope you and Sander are alright. And any complications you two had, you will work on them and defeat them."

She knew.  
Of course she knew.

Robbe wasn't sure what she knew and how much information she had, probably not much, but enough to say that. 

"Thanks. I hope so too."

There wasn't any point in lying so he said the first thing that came into his mind. 

"It was good to see you, Robbe. And I'm still down for that double date." She winked at him, smiled and said goodbye. 

Robbe watched her go and realized that, in fact, he was also definitely down for that date.  
Sometime in the future, when everything would be back to normal. 

But who is he kidding, since when is his life normal?

He chuckled and went to the store, still watching the girl from the open window, walking down the street with a canvas in her hand. She remind him of Sander a lot, maybe because they had similar personalities of what he could see, or maybe because both of them were artists.  
Or even the way they walked.  
He doesn't know. 

He took his time and in the end bought more things that were necessary. 

He chose some things that Sander would like or enjoyed trying.  
And he also bought some color pencils, even if Sander rarely used them. 

Robbe decided that it was time to bring some colors in that boy's life and art, so he took them without a second thought. 

* * *

Robbe started doing this thing, where he writes his day's summary every night.  
He mostly writes them for Sander, to kind of explain everything he missed or how Jens calls it, for every gossip he wasn't there to spill tea on.  
He'll give it to him when the time will come.  
He says all about his therapies and his friends and his progress.  
It's such a small but sweet gesture and sometimes it even feels like his boyfriend is right there, next to him and he's just texting him, waiting for a response. 

His mom has this new habit when she comes in and kisses his head every night like he was a little kid, and he won't admit how much he really appreciates and loves it. 

He's thinking about what his mom told him this morning right before he left, with his diary and Sander's sketchbooks in his bag, hanging on his shoulders.

"You'll finally start to breath at the exact moment you see him." 

If she had said this a year ago, he wouldn't have any idea what it meant, but right now, he knew. 

He dealt with so many horrible thing to finally understand what it meant. 

Finally being able to breath. 

His heart was shaking, beating so fast, Robbe was sure that some kind of magical thing would happen and it would fall out of his rib cage and skin.  
His hand was up, against the door but he couldn't bring his self to knock. 

He kept remembering when Sander texted him "the previous hotel was better" more than a year ago.  
And he was afraid, if this "hotel" was somehow worse, which probably was. 

The nurses told him that he was alone and they wouldn't disturb him all day, until the visiting hours would end and Robbe didn't know if that fact made him happier or more miserable.

Finally he decided to screw the knocking, ordered his whole body and confidence to move his bones and he opened the door. 

The first came the shock, not because the room was empty, no, it was full, but because he couldn't see Sander anywhere, until he looked at the bed and instead of his white fluffy locks, there was a boy with short brown hair, laying on the bed, on his back, his eyes closed. 

His both hands behind his head on the pillow, dressed with a gray sweatpants and the black T-shirt. 

Robbe took a shallow breath and carefully, trying not to make any noise, stepped forward.  
He took off his jacket and put it with his bag on the table, near him.

There was a chair right next to the bed Sander was laying on and he moved towards it, still trying to calm his breathing down and sat down. 

And he stared.  
Stared without taking his eyes off of his body and face, stared at his new hair and how different and gorgeous he looked with it. 

It was a different Sander but somehow, still his.

He looked at his skin and how much he missed touching it.

Now that he just got here, he knew, he never wanted to go away and oh god, how much he missed him and wanted to lock him up in his arms and never, ever let go. 

He only hoped that Sander wouldn't be against it. 

And then he started breathing, exactly the way his mother told him, he would.  
The conversation he had with Milan came rushing to the surface and he realized, that boy was right about everything he said. It was all the truth. 

It was so worth it, all the waiting and all the pain to see his face, peacefully at this moment. 

Robbe smiled and he felt a tear rolling down his cheek but for the first time in months, it wasn't because he was upset, no, totally opposite, it was because he was extremely happy to see him and he even consider his self crazy to manage to live all those weeks without seeing that face every damn day. 

He was so lost in his thought and admirations that he almost didn't hear the words that left Sander's month, almost didn't see his lips moving. 

"I guess nobody taught you how to knock."

At first Robbe thought that he imagined it, since the boy still had his eyes closed but after a minute when he didn't get any response from the startled Robbe, he finally opened his green, astonishing and amazing eyes, turned his head sideways to look at Robbe directly on his face. 

Robbe took a shaky breath and swallowed, he didn't know if any of this was still reality.  
He hasn't hear his voice for so long, it wouldn't be a surprise if his mind started playing horrible tricks on him. 

They started at each other silently, then Sander turned his head away from him and started staring at the ceiling. 

That was the moment when Robbe finally spoke up and whispered his name so quietly he was afraid that the boy didn't hear him, but of course, he did. 

But Sander paid him no attention and Robbe's heart started shattering by each passing second. 

He was upset, he was very upset and he probably didn't even want to see Robbe's face ever again. 

Robbe left him alone, it was all Robbe's fault. 

All the progress he made with his mindset just came crashing down on the floor, all the walls from the top, just broke down.

"Sander." He tried again but got no response. 

He felt like throwing up, got such a sickening feeling down his stomach that for a moment he was sure, he'd vomit. 

"Sander, please."

He didn't know what he was begging for, a response probably, but also so much more, forgiveness, understanding. Even if he said that he didn't need all of this, he lied.  
He needed them, he craved them, since without those things he couldn't continue living. 

The boy looked at him again and blinked two times and when he opened his mouth, Robbe almost had a heart attack from panicking. 

"Did the manager let you in?"  
He asked and before Robbe could think and processed what he said, he smiled. 

He fucking smiled and Robbe realized how much he missed that and how much he was sure he couldn't breath without seeing him smile. 

He was still in the shock when Sander raised one of his eyebrows up in a teasing manner and at Robbe's still petrified face, he added while laughing. "Come." 

Robbe's brain officially shut down which made the other boy laugh more.  
"Come here." And when he opened his arms, Robbe automatically, without realizing, like a reflex crashed down on him and basically laid down on top of him.  
When he felt tight and warm hands around his back, his mind started working itself again, and he clutched the boy's T-shirt so tightly and hard that his knuckles turned white. He felt the chest under him shaking from laughing and no matter how much he wanted to see that, he couldn't move, he couldn't move a muscle to pull his head out of Sander's neck and look at his face.  
He decided to risk it and put his nose right at his skin and he smelled him, first time in more than a month and he smelled amazing. The smell was addicting and Robbe wouldn't mind even dying from this. 

How did he manage to live without this feelings.  
All the emotions he so hard tried to hide, came rushing and overpowered him but he wasn't mad about it.  
He loved the feeling so much and the memory when Sander said that keeping the moment with them would only happen if they died with it, made absolutely sense, it didn't before but now, it was the first thing he could think of. 

He went numb and even if Sander was talking to him nonstop all this time, whispering some thing in his ear while his hands were tugging and disappearing in his hair, he couldn't hear nor understand a thing. 

Some kind of force moved his head from the crook of Sander's neck and he realized that the boy made him look up to him and his hearing finally cleared out and he head him.  
"You're ruining my shirt." And Robbe didn't even realized his checks were damp with tears, he sat up and took Sander with him, having his face on his level, touched both of his cheeks with his hands, put his forehead on his and closed his eyes, whispered "are you real?"

"I don't know, it was me who was fucked up from the drugs and hallucinations, I should be asking you that."  
Robbe didn't have any strength to make him stop talking about it. 

He'd take and hear anything he said. 

They stayed like this for minutes, just breathing each other, touching, feeling. 

After a while Robbe pulled away just a few centimeters away and he looked dead serious and didn't even realized what he did until Sander opened his eyes abruptly and winced.  
"What was that for?" He asked when he felt Robbe hitting him pretty strongly on his chest.

"You almost gave me a heart attack. You were awake when I came in? I was sitting at lest 15 minutes before you spoke up and you were fully conscious the whole time?" He was talking fast and when he finished, he didn't even have a breath left. 

"I might have been." That bastard cheekily smiled at him and his eyes lit up. 

"You asshole. You have no idea what kind of things and scenarios went in my head when you - " he didn't finish just hugged him and again and whispered "don't ever do that again, I got so scared." Which Sander chuckled at and replied with "consider that my revenge." 

Robbe deserved that. 

He was pretty sure he still wasn't thinking straight and he feared that he'd wake up suddenly and all of this would be gone but it felt too real to be fake, the arms around him getting tighter and tighter like they were afraid the person they were holding would disappear into a thin air, felt too real. 

And felt too good to be true but it was. 

"God, I missed you so damn much you have no idea." Robbe couldn't answer, he nodded and hugged him more firmly, he was sure he was blocked the way for Sander to breath normally but the boy didn't seem to complain.

"Don't you ever leave me alone, you hear me?"  
Robbe knew it was him, who left Sander alone but he felt boy nodding against his body.  
Maybe thought that Robbe meant the day he went to the hotel right after the party and Robbe meant that too as well. 

"It's your fault. Everything." He pulled away, took his face in his hands again and looked deep into his eyes which got scared at his words.  
"You did this to me. You made me fall so deeply in love that I can't breath." He took a big breath and got even closer to his face.  
"God, fuck you Sander. You did this. Fuck you for making me fall in love with you and no matter how many things we've been though, I'd still let you do everything you did again, in every universe. I never wanted this, to be dependent on somebody, to give somebody the power to do anything they wanted on me, to give them power to break me but god, the way I'm feeling right now, I'd walk thought hell for it to never stop. And you - you - " he closed his eyes and he felt Sander touching his nose softly with his.  
"You're my everything and you have no idea how hard it was for me to stay away and I'm so sorry if I hurt you or made you upset - I just - I love you so much and I'd never imagine - "

And he got stopped when he felt soft lips touching his and he got lost in the feeling. 

So many days have passed since he felt this and he got completely embraced by the emotion.  
His mind and body completely lighted up, he felt his soul cleaning up, his desire getting stronger and stronger and he couldn't get enough.  
He has been craving this for so long, now that he finally tasted it again, he couldn't give his self to stop and he didn't have to. 

It was finally his again and it would be for the rest of his life.

He'd be completely happy if he died at this moment, when he finally got everything he wanted. Finally got it back and it was finally his, only his and it would be, forever.

He felt a little pull at his hair and he moaned into his lover's mouth, opening his lips more but the action wasn't returned. He opened his eyes when he was pulled away from Sander's face and his scared look still gave him and his thought away: 'what happened? Did I do something wrong? Why did you stop?' And no matter how much he tried to mask his desperation and disappointment, Sander still saw and giggled at him. 

"I just need to take a breath."  
That sentence made Robbe realize that he was intensely gasping and managed to nod his head. 

"There is so many things I want to tell you -" 

"Let me talk now, please?" Sander interrupted him and when Robbe tried to disagree, he put his hand over his mouth. 

"Stop, I need to tell you something first." Worry explode Robbe's body but he tried to ignore it, with Sander's hand still on his face, he gave him a little nod.  
"I'm sorry." Robbe started shaking his head but Sander put his other hand in his hair and pulled them harsh to put it in one place and kept his hand there, on his nape.

"No, just shut up for a minute, will you?" he didn't wait for a reaction and continued: "I treated you horribly, I knew I said all of this in the past but I still need to tell you. I was so lost in my own head with the thought of doing everything to make the situation right that I ignored you and I treated you like shit. Which was my biggest fear and I hope you know that. And I'm and I will truly be sorry for that my whole life. That's exactly what I was talking about when I told you, I'd hurt you and you'd hate me, because this is so wrong, this, us. But at the same time I have never felt anything more right than this, ever.  
So if we're wrong, we're wrong but I'm okay with that if you are too, because Robbe, you are my everything and I'd kill myself before letting you get hurt ever again and I'm so sorry I hurt you, that I made you cry, that I made your life horrible. It's me and I can't do anything about it, other than trying to be better and again, I can't promise you that I'll succeed but I can promise you, that I'll never, ever do the same mistakes again. I can promise you to be as truthful as I can be. The fear that if I opened up, you'd hate me got so strong that while trying to avoid that, I still did exactly that. And I'm truly sorry. I don't know what you're going to say about us and what you want but no matter what, I'll respect your choice." 

Robbe knew Sander wanted to say a lot more but he shut his mouth and released his grip on him which he used to push his hand away and took it in his hands, clenched it like letting it go, would mean letting him go and he'd never forgive his self if he'd let that happen."

"I love you." He started while looking in Sander's scared eyes. 

"You, whole you. You with your sassy comebacks, you with your skills, you with your taste, you with your heart and soul and you with everything you got. And I love you because you're you, and you're mine. Mine to love and the only person to decide who I should love or hate is me. Yes, you hurt me, but I'm sure I hurt you too, a tons of times. And yes, you're not perfect and yes, you did some pretty bad shit but you're still you. And no matter what, you will always be you.  
When I agreed to accept you the first time a year ago, I signed up for the total package, filled with your mistakes and your accomplishments. And just because you have habits you need to destroy doesn't mean I will leave you alone to deal with them. We're lovers, we're family, you understand that? So please, let's close that horrible chapter of our lives and start a new one? You're better, I'm better. We're both gonna do better and it's a new beginning." 

When Robbe felt that Sander still was full of doubt, wasn't following and understanding what Robbe was saying, he tried another method, one he knew would do the trick. 

"Imagine this, we're infinite, remember?" He smiled when Sander nodded and let out a quiet "yeah."

"Okay so, in the past, we were living in a different universe, you know how we got to try everything in the whole universes? So now, that we changed and started to get better, we left."  
Sander's eyes started shining in recognization. 

"Now, we're in another universe where we're completely different persons. And trust me, this universe will be the best. It will be only filled with love and happiness and sometimes we will be both stubborn and we will have some fight and if something really horrible happens, who says that we have to stay here? We can leave. We can go in another universe. We will be traveling though time, and we will be fine. Okay?" 

When Sander didn't answer him, he asked him again.  
Still no response.

"Alright, do you want to hear what will happen in the universe we're about to travel to?" 

Yes, Sander wanted to know.

"You remember how you said you always wanted a dog?" Before he could say anything Sander turned his head, and when Robbe followed his gaze, he saw Leo, sleeping on the floor next to the bed and he smiled.

"Sander, we're gonna take Leo with us too. We're gonna get a dog and we will be able to destroy the stereotypes of dogs and cat not getting along with each other, since with us being their parents, they will.  
And Sander, we're gonna move in together. I'm not saying that it will be the best thing for you since I'll be a very bad and annoying roommate for you, I won't tolerate your clothes being everywhere on the floor, I will make you wash the dishes as soon as you eat, and I won't let you eat junk food but you don't have any choice, you got to accept me exactly the way I am and I'm gonna get in university close to our apartment, I'm gonna drag you to my parties since I don't think I will have my friends there with me and you won't get to say no to me.  
And you're gonna paint all our walls with whatever design you want, I know they will be perfect and we will get to go apartment shopping." 

"Sander, future holds so much for us. No matter how difficult it might seem right now. If we got each other, we can do anything we want, we can become kings of the world."

He was caressing his checks trying to reassure him and he succeed. 

"I got to ask you one more question."

"Ask me." Sander murmured agains his face and Robbe felt his soft breath touching his skin and he almost kissed him right there but first he needed to end this conversation.

"Are you ready, baby? Are you ready to leave this fucked up universe and come with me to a different one? I can't promise you that it won't get fucked up too, but we can try. And when it will get too hard to live in, we will move out again. How does that sound? Let's just start over now, more healthy, more honestly, more lovingly." 

And Sander kissed him then, trying to swallow him whole, passionately and still carefully, like he was still afraid all of this would be a dream.

"It sounds wonderful." He whispered. 

"Will you take me with you?" His still anxious voice, begging for reassuring asked and Robbe made him lie down on the bed, cuddled him and put his head on his chest, his hand working on his scalp, disappearing in his brown locks, his smell filling him up and making his world blur.

The whole room was spinning around them, making them fall somewhere in the world, maybe it was their universe moving, breaking and destroying this one and creating another, new universe around them to live. 

Sander was still afraid and Robbe was too. 

He'd always be afraid but having him in his arms, was the power that would help him get over anything and he couldn't let him go, ever. 

So, in the silence, with soft wind making yellow curtains in this room dancing, sunlight creeping up from the window and birds singing near them on the threes, with Sander's chest moving up and down on his body, Robbe was sure, sure that the answer he was about to give was the only truth he believed in this fucked up world. 

Yes, he'd take Sander to another universe with him and he'd keep taking him. 

"Always." He whispered and he knew, Sander believed him. 

They stayed like this until the nurse came in and it was time for Robbe to go home, and he promised he'd come back tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that. 

He'd keep coming back until Sander would be free to go away with him. 

Go away and ran away to another universe. 

Robbe didn't want to leave, but he had to. He even pull a pathetic joke about how he'd sneak in for the night and Sander laughed.  
So maybe it wasn't that bad of a joke.

And before he went away, he showed Sander the sketchbook which the boy approved and got happy that Robbe remembered which one he liked the best. And Robbe got pretty roasted and embarrassed when he showed him his diary. Sander kissed his red nose and checks and said that it's be a perfect way to spend his nights while Robbe couldn't be there with him.  
And he told him how much he likes his now grown out hair and how hot he finds Robbe's earring. Which again, made the brunet blush.

And Robbe left, sad but extremely relived and happy at the same time. 

And that was the last time he left Sander alone.


End file.
